Dear Minnie:

“I’m also upset that if I do go back to this guy, my family & friends will be disappointed in me. I know this is my relationship, but I just feel sad that all their support all these 3 months is wasted…  I guess my close cousin and my 2 best friends opinions matters to me. My mum is supportive on whatever I decide”-

– reads to me that your mother’s support of you is unconditional, that is, it is not conditioned on your decision to go  back to your ex or not (“supportive on whatever I decide”), while your close cousin’s and two best friends’ support of you may be conditional, that is, conditioned on your future decision. If you decide to leave your ex behind, they will still be close and best, but if you decide to resume the relationship, your cousin will no longer be close to you and your friends will no longer be your best friends.

Reads to me that one source of your fear regarding resuming the relationship is that it will mean that your cousin and two friends will get angry, accusing you of wasting their time, that “all their support all these 3 months is wasted”, and as a result, they will withdraw from you.

You wrote regarding family and friends, including the close cousin and two best friends that you mentioned: “They don’t want me to get hurt by my ex again. They feel I can do better and can truly find someone that will make me happy. They belief that if someone loves you, they would not want to break up with you in any way to hurt you. That I do agree… they think I can really do without him”-

– I hope that your close cousin’s and two best friends’ belief that “if someone loves you, they would not want to break up with you in any way to hurt you” extends to themselves as well, meaning, that if they love you, they will not want to withdraw from you because they don’t like a personal decision that you will be making.

And, if your cousin and two friends withdraw from you because of your personal decision, I hope that you consider that you indeed “can really do without” them.

They invested 3 months in supporting you, but their investment is not wasted if you go back to your ex, because there will be times that they will need your support too, and you will then return the favor. I hope they understand that.

“I’m financially better than him as well as my career, so they think I can really do without him. I don’t care about these things”- your cousin and two friends value money and career more than you do, in the context of an intimate relationship. To be authentic to yourself, be guided by your values, by what matters to you most.

“Personally I really want to get back with him… I do want to try again”- you really, authentically want to get back with him. This is what you want to do.

“I do want to try again, I will go through our issues as I don’t want history to repeat again”- good plan. I  add this suggestion: at this point in time and forward, as you think about it and make your decision- do not consult your close cousin and two best friends. What they told you so far, you heard and will consider. Don’t try to convince them to change their minds and .. give you permission to go back to your ex. Any more of their input will make your decision-making complicated: less about you and resuming your personal relationship with this man, and more about your cousin & two best friends, and their possible withdrawal from your life.

anita