Dear Lada:

I just finished reading all your posts. I didn’t read my posts to you, only yours. I will be giving you my best understanding of what is happening in you, and please read it attentively, as calmly as you can, and let me know if I understand correctly:

Your voice, the one who tells you “a billion times,” “WHAT FOR?” has a point. After all, it is wise. I didn’t understand it before. Now I know, it is, indeed your inner wisdom, as you called it and it is, indeed, your intuition.

From your very beginning, your mother was not an accepting, loving mother. She repeatedly disapproved of you, telling people what specifically she disapproved about you while you were listening. She criticized you negatively (disapproved of you, rejected you for who you were) repeatedly, directly to you and indirectly by talking about you disapprovingly to others.

For a while you looked up to your father as the “good parent”, distinguished from the bad parent, your mother. But then he left and you lost the hope of having one good parent, one loving, accepting, approving parent, that is.

Throughout your childhood, being disapproved, unloved and into your early twenties, you’ve been trying desperately to earn your mother’s love, from eating properly, not noisily, not showing your teeth when laughing to thousands of many other efforts to earn her approval and love. Five months ago you gave up. Finally, your wisdom came up with the truth: “Lada, it doesn’t matter what you do, you are not going to win. You are not going to be approved. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. There is no point in trying. And, Lada, your thinking is not good- it didn’t get you the approval you need, the love you need- it is no good. What is the point of thinking? What is the point of trying? There is no point.”

And this is where you are now, according to my best understanding.

In one of your last posts you wrote the voice told you:“come on Lada, you have to finally choose which way you wanna go, desperately holding on or leting go”- this is it. Your voice is indeed wise. It is indeed your intuition:

For as long as your hope for love and acceptance is in your mother giving these to you, there is no point. It doesn’t matter, truly, “which way you wanna go.”

Your voice is correct: it doesn’t matter what you think, if you think, what you do and what you don’t do- nothing matters in the quest for your mother’s approval and love.

You may not realize how desperately you have been holding on to the hope of earning your mother’s love. The thing is, you didn’t develop self acceptance. And so you are still dependent on your mother’s acceptance of you, waiting for it.

Your hope is indeed in “letting go” of that hope. The “spiritual death” you were talking about it the death of that hope. That kind of death needs to happen.

It is like trying to get water (love) out of a rock (your mother). No matter what you think and do and say and act like, you will not be able to get the water. It is not because your thinking and behavior is wrong, but because your mother is incapable of loving. And so, to get water, you have to leave the rock and look elsewhere. Then, looking elsewhere for love, your thinking and behaving will be useful.

Your thoughts? (Please do take your time, I worked hard to get this understanding and I would like you to seriously and honestly consider it).

anita

Dear Lada:

Tell me about the voice, will you? Describe the quality of the voice: how does it sound like? How long have you heard it (months, years?) Does the voice comment on what you do throughout the day, ongoing commentary? Can you remember all the things the voice said in the last hour and list what it said this last hour?

anita