I have been deeply in love with my soulmate. I devoted my life and heart to this relationship. Our relationship was magical. We fit together like strawberries and chocolate. We were a team. We were that couple many people would describe as in love, happy, connected, and having each there’s back through thick and thin. I knew this was my life, mate. I never thought we would spend our lives together happily and in love. I was aware that he had a past of paranoia induced by alcohol and drugs. He spent 25 years sober, developing many successful companies and becoming an honorable man. He was a kind, loving and caring man. I was a part of every aspect of his life for seven years. His actions and behaviors were always honorable. Nothing would prepare me for who he was deep down. One day I discovered he was tracking my car. We discussed his concerns; he expressed that he was concerned for me.  I fell for his story. Slowly over a year, he would display small suspicious behaviors. Then he started making connections between a man I met two times and barely remembered him and me.  I honestly have no connection too. Soon, my boyfriend bugged our home only to hear me packing for our coming holiday. He was able to think he listened to what he wanted honestly. He has sent me the recordings and everyone who will listen. No one can hear what he hears. His stories are pretty imaginative and disconnected from reality. It seems he has had a mental breakdown or a relapse with drugs.

Then…the zinger comes. He has been married…living a double life…cheating, and indulging in his old patterns. He writes me emails that show the breakdown in reality. As much as I have tried to convey my love or innocence, he turns more wicked each time I have reached out. It has been five months; he hasn’t been able to discover that he is deflecting what he has been doing to our relationship. We lived together; he traveled weekly, which allowed him the room to live two lives. The more I uncover his past, the more I’m provided insight into all his accusations. His first wife was his high school sweetheart, the love of his life. He never allowed his heart to love again—his stories about her and why he left her are the same “theories” he has made up about me. He is creating the same story between himself and me that he had shared with me about their marriage end. His wife cheating and using drugs behind his back is what he accuses me of now. My life doesn’t reflect dysfunction. I’m grateful to focus on my work and family to keep moving forward. My days are dark with the reality of our relationship being a lie. The loss of my best friend and my partner has paralyzed me at times. How do I move forward without closure? I wanted to talk face to face to say bye. But, sharing my emotions only makes him more paranoid and aggravated. Sharing my feelings isn’t going to help.

We were friends first, for years…fell in love slowly. He would describe our love for us as his true love.  I would tell us as my true love, as well. I had never felt the love and dedication I felt within our dynamic. I have become the enemy of a man I love so deeply. I once was the person he trusted the most. He knew me better than anyone. I thought I knew him too. I gave myself whole heartily. I showered him with love and expressed my love always. To find he was in it halfway…he had motives to be loving and kind. Now…I feel he used me and threw me out.

Does anyone…have suggestions on how to accept that my 7 years with this man were a lie?

Thank You,

Rider