Hi everyone,

I’ve recently hit a major issue in my long term relationship and I am looking for some help and advice. I think just getting things written down will probably help too!

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. However, due to financial reasons and the way the UK housing market is we have never been able to live together and both live with our respective parents. It hasn’t been easy as I spend a lot of time travelling back and forth because I stay at his house on a regular basis. Unfortunately my parents are very traditional (my father mainly) and even though I am over 30 he will not allow my partner to stay over at our house. This has caused a lot of issues in itself and my partners relationship with my parents is frosty/non-existent because of this. He says he does not feel welcome at my parents house and that they disapprove of him etc so he has visited my house less and less as the years have passed by.

I should also note here that I have previously, and still do to an extent, suffered with anxiety and depression. Although I am pretty much ok at the moment and managing my mental health it seems that my partner is now depressed and lacking a lot of self esteem.

After a lot of work and time saving a reasonable deposit we finally had an offer for a mortgage and started looking at properties to buy. For me all I am looking for is a safe, warm and comfortable home for the two of us to live in. However, for my partner the most important thing is a decent size garage or garden that he can build a workshop in as he is a car and motorbike enthusiast. Whilst I love that he is passionate about his hobby/work and I really want to support him in that respect it is very hard to find such a property that meets both our needs and is close to where both our families live. If we move further away then our income would be affected.

So, recently we saw a property that we thought might suit both of our needs. A small 3 bed property with a lot of outside space where my partner could build a workshop or garage at a price that we could buy outright with the money we have saved and no mortgage. The catch – it doesn’t actually have permission to be used as a dwelling and no building regulations etc.

Initially I went along with the idea. Thinking that this was IT and we were going to achieve all of our dreams. I completely ignored all of the red flags initially because he was so excited and happy and in a way it seemed perfect. My partner did not seem to see any of the potential issues as a problem and I didn’t even stop to think about it properly. We made an offer that was accepted and everything seemed great.

However, after a heart to heart with my parents I realised that there was a lot at risk. I would be putting in 2/3 of the money to purchase the property with no guarantees that we could live there either now or in the future. I was angry with my parents at first because I wanted their support but then I realised that they were only looking out for me and also have more experience than I do with these types of things. After thinking long and hard about it I decided that I would be able to go through with the purchase because the risks were so high.

I eventually plucked up the courage to tell my partner that I could not go through with it. It was not easy. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do to someone I love. It broke his heart. The look on his face was pure devastation and like I had just murdered someone or told him someone had died. I never want to see him look like that again and I feel so guilty that I have hurt him in such a way. I expected him to be angry with me and upset but it seemed to be a million times worse than that for him. He said that I had stolen his dream away and that he could not believe the person he cared about the most in this world could do this to him.

I asked him if he wanted some space and he said that would be for the best. For a couple of days I left him alone and then we met back up a few days later. He was (and is) still so hurt and angry. He did say he would rather I was honest but it still seems like this is a really big deal for him and he cannot see my point of view at all. I am trying to be patient and give it time for our relationship to get back on track. Even when he has said some horrible things (and blamed my parents for my decision etc) I have bit my tongue and not retaliated. I have accepted that my decision has caused him to feel this way and apologised that this has caused him such turmoil and suffering. He is still feeling a lot of anger and resentment which hurts a lot because up until now we have always been really close and supportive of each other. I love him with all of my heart so it makes me feel awful to see him like this.

I apologise for the essay! If you read this far than well done and thank you for bearing with me! I really do not know what else to do. I feel like this is my ‘fault’ although I know I made the right (sensible and boring) decision. I really hope our relationship can get through this but I am worried that it might not…

If anyone can offer any advise on how to deal with this, rebuild his trust in me, or has dealt with a major conflict in their relationship and survived I would really greatly appreciate it.

Thank you, xx