Distressed and regrets and turning 39

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    ive been in such distress since the start of this year. With everything that has been happening as well as all the other stuff that i let happen to me. From my other posts, id been in a relationship for 4 years with a man 3 years younger than me that although very nice to me and extremely loyal and devoted to me, has lead me into a complete emotional and physical burnout quite severe. He has schizophrenia and a drug problem. When i first met him i liked him because it was a tonic for me, i was terrified of men and he was a gentle and approachable and funny man that he too had mental health issues ( i have anxiety disorder and social phobia and he schizophrenia). But i quickly realised he was all there and delusional and cognitively impaired somewhat. He was a smoker and a drug person (i didnt know a thing about drugs). But i saw him a person and his vulnerabilities  and it was hard to just kick him away.

    My history since i was 18 was a hermit type of life with severe social phobia and agoraphobia. He has been in pyschosis 3 or more times this year and drug binges and ive kept my distance but the whole ups and downs of all of that over this year and the years before has taken a huge toll on my own health. I keep in touch with him still but i have my boundaries. But now i have the looming 39 age coming and my dream of having a child is so distressing. I dont have those real solid security financially and a healthy partner to provide and so on. I even live with my parents. Every time i watch the tv or go anywhere or see anyone with a child its like a deep grief hit in the guts of depression and feeling all those years in my 20s of missing out, and all those bare bones of an adult life i have and aging parents i live with who dont see any more than i can be. To top it off i have adrenal fatigue from all the stress of relationship ive been in and completely overweight quite bad, and its hard to get energy to do anything, doing something puts me out later energy-wise.

    Id been having panic attacks from it all, but above all a terrible terrible gut feeling of emotional doom looming what with infertility and age and so on. I think ive been so emotionally burnt out from ‘him’ over a continued period of 4 years every day and night that its brought me to a place of depression and slowness and loss of identity and loss of living through my values and self care. I just feel so exausted inside all the time that some days if i have no commitments ill just sit in bed all day and calm myself by coloring in therapy coloring books lol. Its like im just unable to do the smallest of things everyday, esp when something makes me anxious. Afterwards its like im an 80 year old. I am going to go back to a high raw whole fruits and vegetables diet to self care and try to heal myself. But the looming of 40 and no prospects and people around me going thru milestones just like what happened when i was in my 20s and i missed out. It really makes a wound up fall to the ground posion feeling in my gut that i can let out and indulge and feel it without narrative or put aside and not believe in it and fill my day with things that keep me busy and passionate. But it still lies there and the fact that i have anxiety and that sympathetic nervous system is strung up, its just quite hard of a mess atm to feel any bit genuinely happy or relaxed. Instead i feel heartbroken and hurt and really would love some advice on how i could start to turn that around and how i can see my future and so on. I really want to hope and plan and so on but im going against so much and it all seems so unfair.


    Dear Karene:

    Welcome back. You wrote that you are soon to be 39, and you are distressed about the thought of not having a child, a dream of yours. You are very tired, overweight and suffering from adrenal fatigue, that you feel that you missed out on life because of your social anxiety and agoraphobia, and because of your 4 year draining relationship with a schizophrenia, drug addicted man.

    You wrote: “I would love some advice on how I could start to turn that around and how I can see my future and so on”. My advice: make the best out of the life that is available  to you. The life that is available to you is being almost 39, overweight, fatigued, anxious, lonely and yet still hopeful, and still alive, in a pandemic world.

    What can you do to make a better use of what is available to you? You are able to think, better than your boyfriend is able (you wrote that he is “delusional and cognitively impaired”)- start by making a better use of your non-delusional, non-impaired cognitive abilities by making better choices for yourself.

    Regarding children- if I was at the right age,  I wouldn’t bring new life into a pandemic world. Even before the pandemic, I personally, didn’t think the world was good enough to bring new life into it. My position has always been that if I was in a position to raise a child, I will adopt a child who already exists, rather than bring a new one into a harsh, unjust world.


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