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Divorce between Coworkers

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  • August 28, 2013 at 6:54 am #41335
    Sarah
    Participant

    I am in the process of reading Kristin Neff’s book, Self-Compassion, for the third time in about six weeks. I’ve found it immensely helpful, in that it promotes a gentleness I would not normally be giving myself.

    I have a story to tell, and I feel that I will only tell it if I share it with someone else, even though the exercise itself is more for me. In essence, I’d like to be able to answer my own letter.

    Two months ago, I went through a divorce. That sounds so dramatic to say, as if it should be accompanied by a sting of music. I’m absolutely in the process of blaming myself for what happened, feeling like I am the cause of so many people’s suffering, feeling I failed, feeling angry at myself for not wanting to try harder for longer.

    There are, of course, complications: My husband, John, never hit me or abused substances. It is evident to everyone, even me, that he is a decent man. This makes me feel like my unhappiness in our relationship is not a legitimate enough reason to have initiated things.

    There are reasons, but they seem so small.

    Add to this, we work together – and by work together, I mean we sit two cubicles away and share the same director. We know all of the same people, we go to the same meetings. The work environment is so stressful right now because I don’t know who knows our news – I have been selective in telling people, and in asking them to respect my wishes not to tell others, as I would like to do so myself – and I’ve already been hearing very hurtful gossip swirling around the office. In fact, my manager asked me point-blank whether John had engaged in an affair with his direct report. He had not, but the accusation stung me as workplace gossip coming from a place of authority… if my manager’s job is to make my work life easier, that certainly did not fit the bill.

    We have a two year old daughter who is adjusting very well. In fact, she almost seems happier with the attentiveness and sees all her varying locations as an adventure. She’s wonderful and smart and affectionate and I can’t bear to think I hurt her in any way.

    During our separation I got closer to a very sweet man in another state (I am in Indiana, he is in Pennsylvania). We’ve been friends for about a year but it became obvious there was a blush of romance between us as my marriage was falling apart. My husband read my personal e-mails without my permission and discovered our flirting before the final papers were signed. He confronted me. In his eyes, I had an affair. I don’t know who he’s told (which leaves me fearful at work) or what his version of this story sounds like. I find it hard to believe the end of a marriage is only signified by a piece of paper, especially when we had already been in mediation and the writing was on the wall, but I do feel like a bad person. This closeness between another man and I was not the cause of our break-up, it was a result.

    It is so incredibly hard to offer myself compassion and kindness right now. My parents (who live two blocks away and take care of my daughter during the day) are shocked and hurting – while the problems were longstanding between John and I, they never knew and still don’t, fully – and I feel any help they are offering me in this time is out of sheer obligation. I feel judgment all around me, especially at work. I feel like people can look through me and see what a terrible wife, friend, mother and daughter I am. There are times when my intention is to be kind, and there are other times when I sincerely wish to punish myself. I want to eviscerate myself for causing so much pain to so many family members and friends.

    I would love to receive this note from someone other than myself and offer them care. It’s my hope I’ll be able to read it in this way after I post it. If any of my loved ones approached me with this sadness and guilt, reaching out so tentatively, I know I would be tender to them. Thank you all so much.

    August 28, 2013 at 11:34 am #41348
    Matt
    Participant

    Sarah,

    So, how’d it go? What would you tell her?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 28, 2013 at 11:49 am #41350
    Sarah
    Participant

    I haven’t been able to be that kind yet.

    I know it is better for my daughter to see her Mommy active and affectionate, versus spending 14 hours each night asleep on the couch. I know that it’s better claiming truth versus hiding behind a smile. I know there are people who love me.

    But the self-compassion – it’s hard, and I’d like to remember I’m not this awful being, this force of pain…

    I could use some perspective if anyone can offer any.

    August 28, 2013 at 2:24 pm #41353
    Matt
    Participant

    Sarah,

    I’m very sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. Divorces are difficult, and unfortunately many people feel the need to take sides. Even if the people themselves don’t, sometimes the two people feel like others will, which can quickly shut down the ability to feel safe.

    Would you be willing to share the reasons? You said they were “small” but I think there is something in them that rests at the heart of why you’re feeling ashamed. I can’t promise what I will have to say will help, but I can promise no judgment. People always take action for a reason, and yours are important… even if you consider them small. It is clear from your words that you are a caring person. So what happened? Why did you throw in the towel? Something must have been either present or missing that was emotionally painful.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 28, 2013 at 2:54 pm #41354
    Sarah
    Participant

    Well, to put things simply, he is a bad friend. I don’t mean to be cold saying so. When I would turn to him for support, comfort or advice, he could not provide. A lot of times I’d feel like I was screaming inside, in need of a friend, to be met with silence. There was a lot of neglect – emotionally, but sometimes literally/physically. And when I started to notice the same pattern in the way he treated our daughter, it made me fiercely protective of her.

    I have a very clear image in my mind of her clinging to his legs, howling to be picked up, and he didn’t even hear her voice. He remained glued to his Twitter feed, ignoring her entirely. I remember thinking, “He treats me like that, but he can’t treat her like that.” It was defining.

    I have a distinct trigger of not feeling important to those around me – of feeling voiceless and small. And that feeling echoed back to me in our interactions. It just wasn’t healthy.

    He would see me crying and not ask after me or offer help – in fact, he felt my lack of happiness was my own failing and was quick to say as much. He has trouble prioritizing people in his life, often choosing non-mandatory work functions over the needs of his friends. He can speak coarsely, oblivious to the affects of his words, and finds feelings entirely exhausting, even maddening (including his own).

    And, in fact, as we exited mediation, I asked him out of curiosity, “As a partner, what did you want for my life?” He admitted – and I hope I’m capturing this word for word – “I don’t think of that. Really, I don’t think of you.” It was like he realized it all at once.

    This all seems so small in the face of people met with abuse and addiction. I just knew that when I needed someone, it could not be him. I wanted to matter.

    August 28, 2013 at 3:45 pm #41357
    Barbara
    Participant

    Sarah,

    I can really almost feel the pain you described, and it really made me feel for what you are going through. I too have those triggers – and they spark memories of not being nurtured as a child – like your little girl – clinging on, yet not being heard, nurtured, or comforted. That image struck me like a bolt of lightening. I am no therapist, but maybe you have that same past as a trigger too.

    It seems your ex husband had some emotional blocks to intimacy, and perhaps his own pain, and the difficulties of your mutual discomfort caused you both to experience mutual pain. It seems you were both suffering, yet it seems that your husband seemed kind of detatched or blinkered to where the lack of intimacy would lead – ultimately seperation. He seemed shocked and appaled that you began tentative flirting with another – yet unable to step up to the plate along the way.

    I won’t attempt to give you advice, or to try to point out what exactly went wrong, as I will leave that to someone more experienced on the forum – but I will say, you have to stop punishing yourself. You are obviously a perceptive, intelligent woman, emotionally very alive and awake, whereas your husband was perhaps not as tuned into his emotional self. Neither of you are bad or evil, nor wanted any of this to end this way, and neither of you would have gone into a marriage wanting to separate.

    Try to forgive yourself, him, and the circumstances. Your daughter is safe and loved, and you will eventually feel great again. Until then, try to stay strong – go for nice walks with your daughter, try your best to treat yourslef to a bath or massage – I know these seem trivial, but they will help. Meditation and connecting to friends – all those usual survival tips !

    Take care, you will get through it, and Love and light,
    Namaste,
    Barbs

    August 28, 2013 at 4:05 pm #41359
    Matt
    Participant

    Sarah,

    Its no small wonder you needed out of that relationship. You were experiencing a very twisted form of abuse, neglect, which in both intimacy and parenting is often much more damaging than physical or sexual forms of violence. With more apparent forms of abuse, there is a specific action that can be pinpointed as the moment of assault. With neglect, there is a sense that we “just don’t matter” or “just aren’t important” to our partner, and eventually ourselves.

    That you so clearly saw it is beautiful, and speaks highly of your wisdom and empathy! You were crying on the couch and he ignored it? He said he never thinks about you? That’s neither normal, healthy for an intimacy, or anything that has to do with you. How could you relate to the back of a head? To a vacant heart? There’s nothing workable there!

    It brings to heart the Buddhist description of a “hungry ghost”. The picture painted is a being with a tiny mouth and a big belly. They bounce from thing to thing, eating what they can, but the mouth is so small and the belly so big, each bite just makes them more hungry. Your ex-husband reminds me of that, where he went from cookie to cookie (or twitter post to porn movie to news feed and on and on) without being open to what was actually around him, so he seeks new stimuli again and again. What a state!

    So he sees you on the couch, says “seen that one before, boring. What’s new?” Until he confronts his addiction, there’s little that can be done. Eventually they become desensitized and become ceaselessly bored, and once they get bored of being bored, they can escape.

    But how could you wait around for that? He didn’t even think about your happiness, which is fundamental for intimacy. Without that, there is no relationship. Not your fault. You’re not the one that ended it, his neglect did a loooong time ago. You poured into him over and over with nothing in return. That you held on so long is remarkable, and a testament to your dedication.

    And your stubbornness. 🙂 However, it troubles me that you would say “you can do that to me, but not to our daughter.” You owe it to your heart and your daughter not to let people do that to either one of you! Perhaps some of the feeling of “I don’t matter” is still churning beneath the surface, perhaps just from being married to him for so long, or even further back. Sometimes we relive relationships that are similar to childhood/adolescence until we overcome the issue.

    What a blessing our children are! Sometimes when we don’t love ourselves very much, but love our kids, they inspire us to grow. Your “mama bear” didn’t roar to protect yourself, but did for her. Now that she’s awake, its a good time to turn her inward. Said differently, you know what showing compassion to your daughter looks like, and she is worthy of that compassion. Not because she is pretty, or because she can walk, or because of anything she does… but just because. Because she does. And so do you.

    Its easy to think we don’t deserve it because we did this or that, like getting a divorce or flirting before papers were signed, or because others tell us we’re shitty people. If a person came up to your daughter and told her she was unlovable because she’s not potty trained yet… ummm… what might you say to that person? Would you crumple and agree? So why do you when the punch is aimed at you? You deserve to be loved and find happiness, and if someone at the office doesn’t think so, that’s their baggage. Let mamma bear come out and tell them to go stick a pin in their eye and mind their business. Or, how about “I was in love with him, and he was in love with twitter.” You owe no explanation, and can’t control how people think, so why bother trying?

    I know you’re beautiful, you know you’re beautiful, your daughter, your friends… the people who look will know. Those who don’t, maybe someday you can help them open up when you’re healed from the ordeal, but until then, protect the tender shoots in your heart, they take time and space to grow.

    Speaking of growth, do you take time to self nurture? To protect your daughter’s precious heart, you know that taking care of her needs is essential. To protect your precious heart, taking care of your needs is also essential. Perhaps some soft music, a bubble bath, a walk in nature, sensual clothing, meditation… things that you do for you, just because. Just as you give hugs to your daughter regularly, its important to give “hugs” to yourself as well. Its not just for you, its for her. As you self nurture more regularly, your heart will naturally have more warmth and energy to give to her. You’re both deserving. Namaste, sister, in wish you love and light.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 29, 2013 at 12:11 pm #41398
    Sarah
    Participant

    Barbs and Matt, your words gave me the exact pause I needed. Knowing others feel the same pangs and know the same truths comforts me. I’d never considered applying my own “Mama Bear” instincts from my daughter to myself, but it’s a clever and helpful perspective. So thank you.

    I went to visit a priest today, looking for comfort and guidance. What I got was a lecture, essentially, saying that I should not be so concerned with my will (but God’s) and that I should look to take legal action to reverse my divorce.

    That wasn’t very helpful, needless to say, and played right into the abundance of guilt I was already feeling.

    What I really want to focus on recharging for my daughter. I want to bring good to the world however I can. I want to give myself the care I’ve been lacking for so long.

    Do any of you have suggestions of books, websites (or other experiences or advice) regarding self-care or beginner meditation?

    August 29, 2013 at 3:37 pm #41408
    Matt
    Participant

    Sarah,

    What I’ve found to be the most nurturing thing to do is listen for the spark of inspiration inside and follow it. For instance, I’ll feel tired and lay down on the couch. After awhile, a little voice says “it’d be nice to… (do the dishes, go meditate, take a bath, go for a walk, go smell some flowers). Immediately, there is also a voice that says “I don’t have the energy for that”. That voice is dumb. The energy of the action is in the action, not something we “spend” beforehand. What keeps the energy flowing is doing things that are good for us.

    For instance, nurturing activities, or actions we wish to do that are kind to ourselves, increase our emotional stability. The specifics depend on the person. I like how you’re exploring meditation, here’s one I find to be really awesome:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5M1hP4RfS-c

    If a guided meditation isn’t your style, or if your mind is too bouncy to follow along, consider searching YouTube for “ajahn jayasaro counting breaths”. Jayasaro offers a simple activity which can help increase the concentration of our mind. Also, consider checking out a local Buddhist temple. They often have instruction and can help with posture and technique, as well as provide a peaceful environment.

    Other self-care activities I enjoy are hot baths, writing on message boards, playing with my kids, soft music, cooking, drawing, exercising, walking in nature, watching heartwarming YouTube videos, and reading. For yourself, it depends on what warms your heart. Everything from painting your toenails to welding metal sculptures… what really matters is that as you do it, the body relaxes, the breath opens, and the mind settles. Too often we try to unwind by feeding our mind other stories, such as watching TV, and its better to let the stories already in there settle than trying to cover one with another. Just my opinion.

    Finally, don’t worry if you don’t just “have” self compassion. Love is action… and so as you give yourself the same tender attention you give your daughter, self love will be a result, not a cause. So be patient, it takes time to let the tender shoots of love grow strong within our heart. Like within any relationship, love is something that grows as we communicate and spend time together… so keep at it!

    With warmth,
    Matt

    August 29, 2013 at 5:28 pm #41414
    Barbara
    Participant

    Hi Sarah,

    Try not to worry too much about what the priest said, as he has not had your very personal experience ! He may be coming the standpoint of his dogma, and his teachings, and not quite seeing the relationship element ( I live in Catholic Ireland ) ! Your focus, as you said – is you and your daughter, and that is what counts now – the relationship has ended, and was not a good environment for you both. You are right to go with your path, and have some self – preservation.

    You have to do what feels right for you, and all the things Matt said about doing nurturing activities that make your heart smile.

    Time for you now 🙂

    Best wishes in your journey,
    Chat soon,
    🙂

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