Hi everyone. It breaks my heart a little writing this. I guess I need some impartial advice.
I have been in a relationship for 18months now. This is the longest relationship I have ever had. He’s very caring, loving, respects me and takes care of me.

We both met at work last year. I hadn’t been in a relationship since I was 16 (now 23) as that relationship I had gotten into was with a toxic person who emotionally abused me. He was a lot older too.

I relocated abroad August last year. I maintained my relationship with my current boyfriend but unfortunately things didn’t work out and moved back home in Decemeber. I came down with depression and anxiety. I couldn’t tell anyone, I felt too ashamed to tell my friends I had come back. I became a shut-in essentially. I no longer could function normally and felt angry, upset, accusatory and everything else all the time. Of course a lot of this was with my boyfriend who could not handle it nor understand me very well. It has continued since then till today.

I had some suicidal bouts sadly triggered by our relationship and personal family matters. I started therapy, started anti-depressants (which made things considerably worse in some aspects) and found spirituality.

I started the relationship knowing he was a great long term partner. Just now im seeing all sorts of clashes. Religious and general habits-wise. I am not religious, however I do believe in some aspects of my religion e.g. no drinking/ sex before marriage in general be a good person. I’m pretty much tee-total and if anything to a layman I seem pretty boring.

His background is vastly different to mine. He wasn’t brought up with religion, but believes in God, drinks and obviously has a past.

I would like to have a future with him. Just for some things I need a compromise. If he can help me bring up future children with basics of my religion. Lessen drinking or stop it altogether and if he could, maybe accept my religion as something more for him.

We have been arguing a lot lately. I admit most of it is me. I get angry on tiny issues, my anxiety flares up at unprecedented points which then turns into attacks at him and I get vicious after ‘the point of no return.’ I guess sometimes I get upset that I am trying really hard to hold everything together. Myself, him, relationship and everything else. I get upset that ‘why do I have to do all the work? Why do I have to explain my anger? Why don’t you understand me?’

What’s hurting me the most right now is that he is trying. He is trying really hard but for better or worse reason always forgets where I am. We’ve been on a pseudo-break for a month now. It’s been tough for both of us. He had employment issues where he restricted himself from doing anything with me. It hurt our relationship incredibly because he wouldn’t even give me a day to him. That hurt a lot. And eventually he gave in to spend 2 weeks on holiday with his family. I felt pretty crushed by that.

His family save his mother knows about me, regardless I don’t see him anytime soon wanting to introduce me. Always says its not the right time or h doesn’t want her to get involved. From what I have heard about her, I really don’t like her. She’s got a mild OCD and is always telling him off for weird things- I guess she’s like me haha…

Last week things got rough. I decided to bite the bullet with my social anxiety and go for birthday drinks with him and his friends. I hadn’t seen his friends since I moved abroad, so this was a scary thing for me to do. Enter one particular friend who starts making very inappropriate comments to me about his past. I feel uncomfortable and leave feeling really hurt and attacked. I didn’t want to come in the first place but I wanted to test myself. First thing he does is defend his friend. I feel more hurt and essentially go home feeling furious at moments pass.

Yesterday after a long week of tears, anger and trying to reconcile things he did some really nice things for me. Asked me to the beach and got a nice hotel. Maybe its just me, but I wish I could say we worked out everything yesterday but it comprised of a few hours hanging with his brother and friends who wanted to go drinking/clubbing. Nonetheless I feel a tiny bit hurt by that. I really want to sort things out.

I… Don’t know what to do really. I have meditated time and time again wondering about what to do. Done some guided meditations hoping to ask my spirit guide to help me but nothing so far. He’s said now he is committed to change. He’s going to get some help and be the best he can be for himself and for me and everyone else. But I wonder, am I doing the right thing?

Emotionally I am feeling devastated at the idea of him or me leaving. I guess I just need some outside perspective.

Thank you for your time reading this. I apologise for writing so rigidly. I just don’t want to start bawling unnecessarily…