Do I talk to him about it??

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    Tiny Butterfly

    TB community,

    I was wondering if I could get a little clarity regarding some difficulty I’m feeling from you, as you have all been so helpful in the past. My ex and myself broke up nearing 4 months ago. The break has since allowed me to work on myself and heal but I’m now faced with some challenging emotions that are creeping up yet again.

    After the split my ex wanted to remain friends and after a handful of interactions (walks in nature which we would do often together) I decided the break up was too raw and that I could not be his friend right now. After a month of no contact we bump into each other at a store, and having been shocked to see him I completely froze and didn’t know what to do. He waved and said hello whereas I just kept walking (completely panicking inside). Having reflected a few days later on what had happened I suddenly felt bad for ignoring him and messaged to apologize. He seemed annoyed at the time that id ignored him but accepted my apology and we got to chit chatting about what one and other had been up to.

    Following this conversation I felt like I was ready and able to be his friend and able to approach him and our friendship from a place of compassion (which throughout our relationship I was unable to due to constant arguments). After a few more walks and attending a woodland festival together, we decided that for his birthday the following week we would get together and hang out, as he had nothing planned. Can I just put in here that when we spend time with one and other there isn’t anything physical (even in our relationship we were only ever intimate in the bedroom) no holding hands or anything like that. We hug when we leave one and other but that’s it. For his birthday I surprised him with a present, which he was really grateful for and from then I felt a shift in the dynamics between us as before then he felt a little distant. I can’t really say how he felt distant to me but its something I felt it from him.

    His birthday we went bowling (and for the first time play fighting and joking around). I felt on that day we really connected like we hadn’t before and felt we were both opening up to one and other in a way we hadn’t been able to in our relationship. Following this that week we would message more often and even spoke about going away together for an evening in a yurt (which we both have always wanted to do). It’s from here where I start to feel anxious, irritable and moody within myself again. I start to feel like we were together in a relationship again (and because neither of us has actually asked what’s going on) I’ve started becoming unhappy in myself. One evening he sensed this from me while we were messaging and asked me what was wrong but I told him nothing. I’m fearful of putting myself out there with him, as I’m unsure of what’s going on.

    I’ve been reflecting on this the past few days and I feel as though things are moving fast between us, the interacting with each other, the planning to go away together etc. One side of me is grasping and wanting so badly to talk with him about it and to know what’s going on, and there’s the other reflective side of me that isn’t sure what she wants. We’re getting on great but all of a sudden I’m faced with a roller coaster of emotions that are so overwhelming. A huge part of me just doesn’t want to rock the boat but the emotions at times become so unbearable that I have to put my phone in another room and take a step back from it all. I just feel so confused.


    Wow, you’re seeing more of him as a friend than I do with my actual friends! LOL

    Can you be “busy” enough so that you only see him (as a friend) once a month?

    Talk on the phone only once a week?

    Text only once a day? (a one line text, no conversations)

    As he feels lonely he will seek company. And as/if he misses you, he will start the conversation.

    The trick on how to do this is to claim busy-ness and at the same time plan an outing with him a few weeks in advance. I think you need to do this for your own sanity!

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
    Tiny Butterfly

    Thank you Inky for your words of wisdom, I will most definitely work on less contact/interaction with him for my own sanity and use the tips you’ve mentioned above 🙂


    Hey…You are going through a pool of emotions right now. Give yourself sometime, you can meet him and spend sometime out with him, make sure you dont get attached but instead just have a healthy chat and conversations with him. If he is the one you will get the clue. Don’t feel guilty or sad, he was your boyfriend before and you or he has done nothing wrong by breaking up so just go with the flow. Life will unfold at the right time. Till then if you feel happy with him be with him there is nothing wrong in that.

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