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Do I tell my boyfriend of 1yr that I know he slept with someone else?

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  • January 18, 2019 at 7:36 am #275291
    SCGB
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I are completely in love, we’ve found each other after both experiencing failed marriages. His wife cheated on him and my husband lied to me for years about wanting children. Our relationships ended around the same time, July 2017. 

    We met on Tinder, after many failed attempts of meeting someone, I like to think we found eatchother. We went on a date and it went really well so we ended up being intimate. He was my first since my marriage had ended. We’ve discussed since and he said he had been with one other, which was fine. We really hit it off and 5 days later we arranged to meet again, this time I cooked him dinner. It was the day after Boxing Day, he told me he was having an early night in preparation of seeing me. We had the best night and have had the best year together since. We waited a full 6 months before introducing each other’s children. We’ve now decided to move in together, I couldn’t be happier. I trust him completely. 

    However, I have just found out what I “believe” to be true…. his mum said to me recently that he was out with a friend on Boxing Day, the day before he met me. Lots of things fell into place and now I know he lied to me that day and I believe I know that that was the day he hooked up with someone else, the day before and if not the same day he was with me. In honesty that part makes me sick to my stomach… I don’t blame him, we were just getting to know each other and didn’t know where it would go, but he did lie to me that early on… and hasn’t fessed up since. Even though there has been multiple times where he could have. Honesty and Trust are so important to me, I want good foundations from the start and I don’t want this hanging over us, either by me thinking about it or him (maybe) regretting it or feel like he can’t be honest with me. Should I be worried? I don’t think so as it was early days. I am a strong person and I don’t have time for jealously. I need a healthy way to get over this as it’s keeping me awake at nights. My question is do I confront him to say that I know? So we can just acknowledge it and move on? Or do I keep it to myself and learn to live with it. The last thing I want is for me to bring it up in drink! I want him to know that it doesn’t change anything, I honestly know that he is 100% committed to me and I trust him implicitly but he needs to be honest if we’re going to stand the test of time. Also if i’m wrong, he could put my mind at rest. Not a mahoosive dilemma, but it is playing on my mind so I feel the need to address it to move on. What do you think guys? Suck it up or say? Thanks in advance. 

    January 18, 2019 at 7:53 am #275339
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear SCGB:

    Before I answer I need to know how did it come about that recently his mother told you that he went out with a friend on Boxing day a year ago, and what are those “Lots of things” that fell into place when she told you that he went out that Boxing day?

    anita

    January 18, 2019 at 10:15 am #275389
    Mark
    Participant

    SCGB,

    I believe in honest, direct communication.  You can approach him by saying that you need honesty and trust, that you know that he lied at that time and worried that you won’t be able to trust him.  That he slept with someone else at that time is not the issue.  That he lied about it is.

    Frankly I would not move in with someone else after one year especially with children.  I would get married before I do that but that’s me.  Do you expect to get married or would you be happy just living together without marriage?  If you do eventually want to get married then I would not move in with him with your children.

    Mark

    January 18, 2019 at 4:23 pm #275515
    SCGB
    Participant

    Thanks both.

    Anita, a lot to go into but it was a night out with a particular friend. I know as we’ve spoken about  this night, it’s just now that the timing of it fell into place. As I say I may be wrong, he said it was Christmas time. He’d just been hurt from a cheating wife, so he didn’t owe me anything at that time. We class our anniversary as being 22nd December, knowing that he may have been with someone after that has been a little hard to deal with. My husband did the same to me, I just wanted this to be a different start.

    Mark… I know it does seem fast and I’m not one to jump in usually but I know it’s right. He’s the man I was meant to be with, placid, kind, no games, great dad and comes from a good loving family. After both suffering from failed marriages, it’s not something I would look to do again, he feels the same. Maybe that will change in time. We both have split 50/50 custody of the children. We all get on, so I’m not worried about the moving in aspect. Our boys  will always come first.

    January 19, 2019 at 6:03 am #275551
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear SCGB:

    This is what you shared about your boyfriend/ the relationship with him: his wife cheated on him, and his marriage ended July 2017. The two of you met on Tinder, had your first date December 22, 2017 and were intimate on that first date. The second date happened the day after Boxing day, Dec 27, 2017, you cooked dinner for him. On the second date he told you the night before was an early night for him “in preparation of seeing (you)”.

    Six months after first date, summer 2018, the two of you introduced your respective children to each other, and by this point, it was the best year together, Dec 2017-Jan 2019 (current time). The two of you share 50/50 custody of the children with respective ex spouses and “We all get on… Our boys will always come first”.

    From what I understand he told you that sometime during Christmas 2017 he had sex with another woman (“he said it was Christmas time”). What you figured out most recently is that he went out Boxing Day 2017 and it may have been 12/27, five days after your first date with him where the two of you were intimate, that he had sex with another woman.

    *It is possible that his mother was wrong and it was not that particular Boxing Day that he went out, that it was not Dec 26, 2017. It is possible that it was not that day that he met another woman.

    In your original post you presented two choices: “put my mind at rest… (or) Suck it up”. My answer: bring it up to him. It bothers you and you have the right and the responsibility to do what it takes, as long as it is reasonable, to put your mind at rest best you can.

    Present it to him as simply as you can, without many words, in a straight forward way, not at all in an accusatory tone on one hand, but not apologetically either. Best if you can present it to him and then give him a moment, excuse yourself to the kitchen to make tea, maybe, saying to him something like: I’ll be back in a few minutes.

    When you offer him that moment, he may stop you and tell you what he will, or he may take that moment. His response (or possibly lack of) will be very telling. If he accuses you for bringing this up, that will be telling. Whatever his response, don’t react impulsively to it and instead take it in and process it later. Post here if you want my input on his response.

    I hope it goes well.

    anita

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