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Does anyone else feel this way?

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  • #80513
    Lisa
    Participant

    I’ve suffered since my teens with on & off depression. When i was 19 i suffered with anorexia. At this point i was severely ill, close to death. I had no job as i was unable to work and i pushed everyone away from me i felt so low. I’m now 27 and i’ve come along way since. I’ve got qualifications/a career, a new car & a partner and lots of new friends and i’m recovered from the ED. You would think life would be great now but no matter what i still don’t feel 100 percent. I’m having so many bad days. I don;t want to be around people, i’m constantly tired and drained & i worry all the time. I’m currently on antidepressants and ive been on these years with no check up on me taking them. I feel like i’m going backwards in progress. I know i should go to the doctors but i’ve been there and done that and i don’t feel they understand or offer the help. I’m scared i;m going to relapse and loose everything 🙁

    #80515
    Saiisha
    Participant

    Hello Lisa, if you know you should go to the doctors, you probably should? In addition, I’d like to suggest an idea if you want to try it. The one thing we do more of when we’re depressed is to obsess over ourselves at the exclusion of everything / everyone else. Any practice that can change the focus from you to something / someone else would be ideal to take the focus off of you. This is an idea I read in a book called “29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life” by Cami Walker. Here’s an excerpt from Amazon:

    “At age thirty-five, Cami Walker was burdened by an intensified struggle with multiple sclerosis, a chronic neurological disease that left her debilitated and depressed. Then she received an uncommon “prescription” from South African healer Mbali Creazzo: Give away 29 gifts in 29 days. 29 Gifts is the insightful story of the author’s life change as she embraces and reflects on the naturally reciprocal process of giving. Many of Walker’s gifts were simple—a phone call, spare change, a Kleenex. Yet the acts were transformative. By Day 29, not only had Walker’s health and happiness improved, but she had created a worldwide giving movement. 29 Gifts shows how a simple, daily practice of altruism can dramatically alter your outlook on the world.”

    Would you like to try it? If so, I hope it helps!
    Namaste, Saiisha

    #80516
    Lisa
    Participant

    Thank you for you advice 🙂 It sounds like a good thing to start. Maybe i do need to place my focuses elsewhere. A lot of my time is spent worrying.

    #80518
    Saiisha
    Participant

    Yes – worrying never gave us anything good in return 🙂
    And if you do want to focus on yourself, maybe focus on the parts that bring you joy, that make you come alive, that make you feel good inside!

    #80585
    Leyna Lee
    Participant

    Hi Lisa!
    I hope today has brought you light and happiness.
    I have struggled with similar emotions throughout my life; helplessness, anxiety and self-doubt are just a few of the emotions I would focus on that led me to some very real depression.
    Might I suggest starting a yoga practice? I know this may sound cliche or a huge feat to take on, but I wish someone would have suggested this to me years ago. After starting my own personal yoga practice 8 months ago, there is never a day that I don’t feel extreme hope and motivation for my future.
    I firmly believe that yoga, and the meditation that comes along with it, has saved my life.
    Sending you light and love.
    Leyna

    #80591
    anita
    Participant

    Dear lisa15:

    you wrote: “You would think life would be great now but no matter what i still don’t feel 100 percent”- I wouldn’t think that life would b great at 27 after you made lots of progress. Not at all. The problems that brought about the anorexia and that were brought about by the anorexia- these don’t go away completely making the way clear to a Happily-ever-after existence.

    On the other hand, you are catastrophizing right now- and understandably so- being afraid that all hell will break loose and you will go back to as bad as things were.

    I understand your fear. I was diagnosed at one point with anorexia as well. I too went to the doctors and was on anti depressant for 17 years for naught. No efforts to help me heal, only prescribing any pill I wanted at whatever dosage.

    My advice to you is to find effective ways to calm yourself, calm yourself throughout the day and night, breathing, meditating, comfort by a loving partner, whatever works. Accept where you are now, not comparing yourself to an ideal self in a happily-ever-after story that s.h.o.u.l.d be well and dandy and is not. Accept that you are experiencing difficulties right now. And at the same time acknowledge the healing and progress you have made, believing, that you can count on a good part of that healing and progress to stick through this difficult time.

    ANd then, see, if you can, a good psychotherapist, and over time maybe get off the anti depressants with the help of a good psychotherapist…?

    So there is a short term planning and a long term planning- as you know, you can’t count on “the doctors”- count on yourself and on a few others that are trustworthy in your life and do everything in your power to help yourself, one step, one little step at a time.

    anita

    #80674
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Lisa,

    First off, let’s redefine the notion of “relapse.” To have a relapse would be to be going backwards in your growth, which can’t happen. Instead, think of it this way. Growth is a spiral, rather than a straight line. You’ve made some excellent progress, which you won’t lose. You have been able to stop harming yourself. If you feel the inclination to use your old habits again, it just means that you have even more growing to do. Does that make sense?

    An eating disorder is an addiction. And addictions occur when the subconscious mind feels unsafe. Feeling unsafe can happen for a number of reasons–beating up on yourself, misunderstanding the intentions of those around you, etc. But what is basically happening is that a very primal part of your brain is detecting a threat. And when it detects that threat, it triggers the fight-or-flight response. This response is a desperate effort of the mind to find every possible threat, in order to keep you safe. It can be triggered by your mind’s understanding of external events, as well as self-destructive thoughts.

    So where does the eating disorder fit into all of this? More than anything, it’s a distraction. It’s an effort to control SOMETHING, since your internal environment feels out of control. You lose weight, you feel good about that. And feeling “good” is a substitute for feeling safe.

    Right now, with the changes in your life, your mind is feeling unsafe again. Limiting beliefs, thoughts, and insecurities are likely causing you to push others away and doubt yourself. You have just found a new layer that you need to undo. The inclinations that feel like “relapsing” are just your mind’s efforts to feel “good” since it can’t feel safe. That’s all.

    Focus on taking care of yourself and meeting your basic needs. As the other posters have already suggested, find ways to relax and calm that fight-or-flight response. And I would recommend that you consider skill-based therapy, such as Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. This would help you to learn new tools to help you redefine the doubts and limiting beliefs that you are experiencing. I use a variant of CBT with my clients, because it is very empowering.

    Hang in there! This too shall pass.

    Bethany
    http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

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