I have had relationships with recovering alcoholics and active alcoholics. The focus you have, on your boyfriend, is a backwards, and dis-empowering approach. You are giving away your power, by trying to decide if your boyfriend drinks too much. So if half the people you asked, said “no he doesn’t drink too much” then all of the sudden you would be okay with this behavior, I think not. You need to find your truth. YOU have to decide — does he drink too much for you.

You have no control over other people, places or things. You are powerless over the alcoholic. The only thing you have control over is your self, your actions, your emotions, your boundaries. So the thing for you to decide is — is his lifestyle too much for you? You can’t change him. And I certainly wouldn’t recommend you try to be overly understanding, overly responsible, overly giving, overly accommodating, to get him to change. That is all still manipulation.

Your job is to now make decisions, based on what is in alignment with the highest good of your life, your truth. Then if he wants, he can come along. For instance, you might say, “I am not going to drink this weekend,” he may say he wants to, so you say “okay,” and you go do your separate things. He has a choice, if he wants to be hanging out with you, then he doesn’t drink. Now you have to let go of the outcome. This is where the work comes in. Your job is to find acceptance, that his path is his path. That he may not want to follow your boundaries. And his choices have nothing to do with you. Noting to do with YOU.

You decide how to live your life, if his lifestyle choices are in alignment with yours, then great. If not, then you move on. But I can tell you from experience, that alcoholics change when they want to. You might be served by doing some studying on codependency. You really have one priority, and that is finding out how YOU want to live your life, then setting healthy boundaries around that. Regardless of whether or not someone likes them, wants to follow them, will change. We do this work for ourselves. We love ourselves first, and healthy relationships grow from that. Not from trying to change, cajole, bargain, manipulate other people to live the way we want them too.

You are right where you are supposed to be. Take one day at a time. The answers will come. Keep seeking and you will find the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

To Megyn.. Thanks for the well presented information for Lost and Lovin it. You covered many aspects of the situation and where she is at this point. I especially liked your statements of ” not being overly understanding, overly giving, overly accommodating, etc, as these are very clearly aspects of a co-dependent relationships. And it is very easy to become this way when trying to convince yourself that the person is worth staying with. Sometimes in the search to be loved we don’t hounour ourselves first and enough. Hopefully Lost will find herself first and move to where she needs to be.

I was reading your post and thinking that your boyfriend sounded like a heavy social drinker (which is “normal” in some cultures). That was before I read that he had already negative consequences from his drinking (the DUI) and that he said that “life is boring that is why he drinks”. I think that in some cultures alcohol plays a big role in socialising and people always drink something when they meet. Also people consider normal having a drink or two at night. However, 4+ drinks (what do you mean exactly by drinks? standard drinks?) every time he drinks (which seems to be everyday) and getting sloppy drunk 1/2 times a week seems a bit too much. Apparently he does this on his own (you didnt mention that it happens in a social context) and apparently also to cope with negative feelings. You are seeing this as a difference in “lifestyle”, because you seem to want to spend your free time in a very different way. This would be of course a problem and already difficult to cope with. However, I think that your relationship shows more problematic elements. I think he has an unhealthy relationship to alcohol, you two are lacking intimacy (basic in a relationship under my point of view) and you are probably obsessing about him, unable to make a decision and making excuses for his behaviour (codependence). You can’t choose how he is acting and what he is doing. You can only take care of yourself so as some people suggested, you need to find out for yourself what to do. I would recommend you would get some external help (therapist?) and give this relationship a break until you find out what your feelings really are and what your decision is. Feel free to message me (I have been in a very similar situation lately…). I wish you all the best

Wow…Crazy how life goes. I was looking for answers about the same question, and here i am reading all these magnificent responses. I’ve went to my very first Al-Anon meeting earlier this week. At first, i stepped back, because i saw a lady i knew. But then, it was my place, she and i are in the same boat.
I was so tired…so so tired when i got there. The night before, I’ve watched my bf getting drunk again, counting the beers, sitting through a lot of yelling, madness, anger from him.
For months I’ve tried in all ways possible, to control his drinking. Tried it all. Tears, manipulation, lies. You name it. I’ve wasted countless hours sitting here beside him, just to watch if he was getting drunk again. Instead, i could have just taken care of myself.
The morning after, i took an important decision. It would be the last time i would sit here, trying to control him.

I didn’t realize how crazy i was becoming, i didn’t even know what co-dependency meant. This is my first relationship with an alcoholic. Myself, i don’t even drink socially, i never drink, and I’m 42 y.o. For some reason i cannot still grasp, I’ve always been saddened to see ppl having addictions, even with strangers! It affects me a great deal. Like i carry them all in my heart. Especially alcool. I am a cashier in a grocery store and i see the same ppl coming every morning at 8, hands shaking, getting beer. It hurts me still, and i make a great deal of effort to get detached from this.

I wasn’t aware of my bf’s addiction when i met him. I saw him having a beer or two like my dad, and that didn’t worry me. But i had a little surprise…
No, he’s not a bad person, he has an illness. I know it now.
No, our efforts to control other people’s drinking habits won’t succeed. Always a failure.
And the sooner we understand that we are powerless, the sooner we can heal too.
Yes he is mean with me when he’s drunk, he screams at me very often for reasons that escape my logic.
And yes, he’s always full of promises the day after, very apologetic. He truly feels the shame to have lost control again.

But i am stronger now, i saw my own issues too, i know i can regain the control over my own life and look away from his.
It won’t be easy, in fact it’s gonna be hell! Yesterday i was battling anxiety cause i was at work, and he was at his home. I could not see what he was doing ( if he was getting drunk again, when he said he wouldn’t) but i managed and didn’t call him.
I went straight at my place after, and he gave me a call. Yes he was drunk. Was my worry useful in any way? Not at all.
I may leave him, i may not. I feel so much better to know that i will be fine, no matter what….! Because I’ve got ME! I am not him, i am not living his life. I used to be in peace, i used to take care of me. Now i became co-dependent.

Whatever you do, don’t take any spontaneous decisions. Prepare yourself a while, repair yourself too.
Love won’t change him, no matter how much you give.
But love him anyway, whether you’re with him or without him. That’s gonna change YOU!
Blessings.