Yes, I don’t imagine myself as having the one true answer, all I can do is offer my perspective and hope it’s useful. You’re the expert on your problem, there’s no argument there! 😀

I did want to come back because I want to clarify my initial advice. You said “My initial reaction is that trying to approach her with love and forgiveness gets me nowhere – been there, done that. It’s basically what I’ve been trying to do for years – win her approval by killing her with kindness,” but that’s not what I was getting at. I don’t think you can try to win her approval. I don’t think she’ll ever approve. That’s the part you need to let go of.

That’s certainly easier said than done, but it’s also the crux of the issue. If you didn’t give a hoot what she thinks of you, her criticism would fall on deaf ears. You’d be like, “That’s nice dear. I’m going to catch up with Janet now, see you in a bit.” You could just watch her being wrapped up in her own endless negativity and feel compassion for her, without letting it touch you. (Again, this is advanced practice, I recognise that.)

I have an uncle who is unrelentingly critical and negative about everything, and who will say outrageous, sometimes racist things just to see if he can get a rise out of someone. My family deals with this by ignoring him, and feeling kinda sorry for his poor wife. This works well enough for the weddings & funerals level of contact we have with him. Obviously, your situation is not the same, but maybe this is the kind of relationship you could aim for.

Also limit the amount of time you spend around her though, that seems sensible.