Dear Eli:

I  just re-read your previous posts so to get all the information I need and I came across two things I need to ask you about because I didn’t understand those enough. Can you take your time and explain the following as clearly as you can:

1. You wrote: “if I leave him my mother will blame me all the times oh you were with him for 5 years now how will you support your self maybe you want back to my home”-

do you mean that your mother wants you to stay with him for financial reasons, that she  thinks you will not have enough money to survive without him, that you should stay with him for financial support… and does she want you to live with her, in her home?

Or does she want you to end the relationship with him, telling you that he is using you?

What is her position, opinions about your relationship with this married man?

2. You wrote: “I had fight with him I told him you just use me and play with me and waste my life with fake hope… he said oh I wanted to have lover but you want be more… maybe you saw some guys.. they just want take you to bed no thing else and then he said some bad words”-

Did he say that he wanted to have a lover and not more, or that you wanted that and then changed your mind and wanted more than a lover? Also, when he suggested that other guys will only want to take you to bed and nothing else, what did he mean by “nothing else”? Also, what bad words did he use?

anita

Dear Eli:

Regarding your  mother: she doesn’t want you to be  a burden on her. Fine. But she should not follow you as she has done and be a burden to you. It really is none  of her business whether you stay in the relationship with this man or not. Having no contact with this selfish woman is best  for you.

“I want my freedom and my privacy“- this  is a very strong need that  you have. Probably because of the suffocating presence  of your mother in your life, the lack of freedom and  privacy with her.

“I want my partner love me care about me support me as well and do  the best  for me”, and at the same time, a man who will allow you to say what is on your mind without limits, not argue with you, not pressure you to talk when you don’t feel like it, and give you the freedom and privacy that you need so much, “I prefer some times be alone do every thing I like say every thing I want  without limit.. I don’t like to explain and convince people and some times I am not in the mood for talking”.

You like to travel, which gives you perhaps that sense  of freedom that you highly value and you don’t want to be too responsible for others, again, it is that sense of freedom that you need so much, “I don’t like to  accept responsibility I prefer to control my own life only“.

Now specifically, regarding this man: the benefit as I see it is that he is married and has three  children, and therefore is not a man who is eager to get married and have children. So you don’t have the responsibility for children or for a husband. He is with you sometimes but you get a lot of the freedom and privacy that you need.

The problem is that you do “missed him so much” and  you are distressed  about him having a wife who is not you. Clearly, you need a man who  is single and who is able and willing to respect your strong need for freedom and privacy, of time alone.

Regarding his plan: “he told  me after 5 years he  will say her has me in his life  and is she don’t want she can  go”- meaning when his younger kid is ten and older is 17, then he will tell his wife not that  he  wants a divorce, but that she must accept that he has a lover, and  only if she refuses to accept it, then she can leave him. Did I understand  correctly?

anita

Dear Eli:

So his plan is to leave it up to her, to stay or leave. But you told him recently when you had a fight with him, “I told him you just use me and play with me and waste my life  with fake hope when kids grow up you will leave her“-

I don’t understand then, is the plan that she leaves him if she chooses to leave him, or is his plan that he  will leave her in five years?

anita

Dear  Eli:

I think that his plan needs to  be very clear to you.  Let  me  see if I understand  his plan:

in five years, the end of 2023 or the beginning of 2024, he will tell his wife that he has a lover and wants to live with you. At that time, if she says: okay, then he moves in with  you and goes to check on his kids who  will be  living with her in the house where they now live.

If she says it is not okay, then he  tells her: I am moving in with my lover anyway. You have a choice: to leave the  house or   stay  in the house, to get a divorce of  not  get a divorce, but regardless,  I am moving in with my lover.

Did I  understand correctly?

* And  by the way, why is  the plan in five years, not before and not after?

anita

Dear Eli:

There are a few things for you to figure out and resolve: the harmful to you relationship with your mother, so that you can have a sense of freedom, freedom from her being in your life.

Then there  is the employment/ money issue: you wrote that you quit your job so you could travel. You mentioned looking for a job next. Does it mean that currently you are dependent on this man for all living expenses?

Looking for employment  is an  excellent next move, I strongly believe.

Regarding this man, you tried to break up before but failed to remain separated from him. He stated a plan that we discussed here.  Why don’t you talk  with him calmly about his plan, get more details. If you are going to rely on someone else’s plan for your life, better  find out the details. For example: is there any chance at all that his wife will say in five years that it is okay with her that he has a lover?

And if it is not okay with her in five years, what is she likely to do, argue, fight… look for you to confront you… turn to his parents or his family members so that they pressure him to not proceed with his plan to move in with you? And if she does any of these things, how will he respond?

Prepare questions to ask him, ask him calmly,  listen to his answers. Share them here if you want. See if his plan makes basic sense or not.

In less than an hour I will  be away from the computer and  will resume   communication with you more at length if you want tomorrow morning.

You mentioned being dumb in your most recent post.  I don’t think you lack intelligence. I think you struggle with  emotions, needing  love and freedom at the same  time, and not having enough of either one. I think you need freedom from your mother, from any part of her in your life. I  think you need freedom from any and  all dishonesty in your life, any and all  lies and  pretenses.  You need honesty, and trust, to trust someone worthy of your trust.

anita