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Don't know how to change my life. I need help!

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 1 week, 4 days ago.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • #332757

    freya
    Participant

    I feel like my life has gotten so mundane, boring, and frustrating – lacking any pleasure or interesting aspects, and I don’t know how to change or where to even start. I’ll explain…

    My life before having a family was fun and spontaneous. I used to have a wide circle of friends, go out often, go to concerts and parties, travel a lot. I loved it! Then I met the love of my life, moved to the city he lives in (a French-speaking area), we got married, eventually wanted to start a family and bought a house in the suburbs. We had our first child (she’s almost 2 years old), and I’m currently pregnant with our second. I work in a stressful office job where we’re shortstaffed and I keep getting more and more work dumped on me, without any raise or promotion yet. However it pays the bills and the working conditions are okay.

    What makes it really hard is that neither of us have any family around to help with our child. So other than daycare, the rest of the time it’s all on us. I feel like my child is a bit too young to leave her alone with a random babysitter – if anything bad were to happen, she’s too young to explain it to us. I haven’t had a vacation or any time alone with my husband since 2017. Before I had kids, I regularly did sports like cycling, swimming, horseriding/show jumping, scuba diving etc.  I’ve had to stop all of these since I first became pregnant due to health issues (but hoping to eventually start some of them again after our second baby is born)

    My days usually look like this:

    • 6:15am – wake up (my kid usually wakes up crying at this time anyway). Husband has already left for work at this time.
    • Get kid dressed, teeth brushed, fed (this is always a struggle), myself dressed and ready for work
    • 7:45 am – drop her off at daycare, and then head to work (1 hour – 1h 20 min commute)
    • During work hours: squeeze in lunch between calls/meetings (no fixed time)
    • Around 4:30pm – head back home (1 hour – 1h 20 min commute)
    • Around 5:45pm – Arrive at home. Husband is already home with kid and is getting dinner started. Kid is super attached to me and as soon as I arrive, I don’t have a minute to myself (literally). Like she has a meltdown when I go pee.
    • Dinner, 30 min of playtime, one of us (usually me or else she has a huge meltdown) gives kid a bath, then get her into pj’s, do storytime, tuck her into bed (other person is cleaning up the kitchen). She usually tries to postpone her bedtime so by the time I get to leave her room it’s around 8:30pm.
    • By this time both my husband and I are dead tired and don’t have the energy to do much else than shower and crawl into bed. I might read a book or netflix a little bit before I pass out.

    Then repeat again everyday. Everyday is pretty much exactly the same with little to no variation. Weekends also start at 6am because that’s when my kid wakes up) and they’re packed with basic housework and chores: groceries, laundry (it never ends!), cleaning, cooking, prepping for the week ahead, taking care of our child etc plus making time to actually play with her because I do want to spend time with her. The only moment where I get a tiny bit of time to myself is during her 1 hour nap (but to be honest, I end up napping too because I’m so tired).

    So… I feel utterly exhausted and defeated, frustrated and bored. I need a break so so so badly. For the last several months I keep thinking that I hate my life, and that there must be more to life. I feel bad for even complaining about all of this, because I realise that there are other people who are much worse off. But I don’t know what to do or how to change anything. Open to any tips or advice!

    #332869

    mariana
    Participant

    Hi Freya, I know how you are feeling, and I know  the drastic change in your life after having kids.  Just know you are not alone. Having kids is hard, beeing a good parent is hard. But it gets better I promise. I think you already did the first step in changing your life, you realised that you need a change. Take time for yourself, think what you need and do that for yourself. start small, 15 min a day of your own time, and then 20, 30 and so on, as circumstances allow. If you look you will recognise a knowing look among parents with young children, we all feel the same, you are member of a tired, bored, exsausted parent club, and it is ok, it is a cool club. Kids change your rythm but not the way you live your life, you choose that… hope this helps. Been there…sorry for the spelling English is not my first language.

    #332935

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freya:

    I see that you received one reply that didn’t reflect under the Topics page, so you may not have noticed it yet. I would like to read your original post (and anything you add to it) when I return to the computer in about 16 hours from now.

    anita

    #332955

    jana
    Participant

    Freya let me give you tips on this…I’m mum of 2, stay at home mum. And I feel exactly the same, only I was stay at home mum of 10 years. I finished my law degree, got pregnant, had kids and I feel like my life as if ended 10y ago. What’s more I’m so not confident and anxious to go back to work although I want to. I can’t even begin to explain how dead I have been feeling the past decade. I literally have dreams of going to work. So do not become like me and here are some tips on what I would change, could I turn back the time.
    1, don’t become stay at home mum…ever. 2, don’t just become mum, and nothing else. 3, get that sitter and go out (make kids realise that that’s how things are, it will become a norm). 4, go on holidays without hubby and kids sometime (or a spa day trip). 5, ask for help when you need one. 6, keep in mind kids need you for few years…don’t miss those precious years, at age 8-10 they won’t be interested in chatting/playing/cuddling as much. Xx keep strong

    #333077

    anita
    Participant

    Dear freya:

    You are understandably exhausted, your husband too, I imagine, your two year old, reads like she is suffering from separation anxiety, and you are expecting a baby.

    I see only one solution: sell the house you bought in the suburbs and move to a smaller place that you and your husband can afford while you stay at home, being a stay-home mom.

    anita

    #333093

    Mark
    Participant

    Or at least get a smaller place that would be closer to work… 1 hr to 1:20 commute is unsustainable with your schedule and your responsibility’s… being the stay home mom will add tension to the finances and as Jana expressed… staying home brings it own set of complications… but if you could save an hour or teo each day from commuting… that could have a huge impact of the quality of your available time..

    Good Luck, and Let us know how it goes…

    Mark

     

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