don't understand how to meet my needs for love alone

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This topic has 10 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by Kath.

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May 25, 2015 at 8:52 pm #77251
m m
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i’ve sort of realized recently, after denying it for a good bit of time, that i really really really need to feel loved. i have been desperately seeking a relationship, but i am feeling like it is not coming to me because i am not ready for it. i am not emotionally in the right place. if i were to get into a relationship, i feel as though i would be constantly worrying about it and fussing about how to keep it! so clearly i need to learn how to love myself and feel comfortable being without a relationship, before i can successfully have one. that way there will not be this overwhelming fear of abandonment. i have come to this conclusion on my own. a pretty obvious one.

lately i have been reading tons of articles on how to self-love, and how to not need a relationship so desperately. and they basically all say the same thing that i just said above. problem solved, huh!
i am having an EXTREMELY difficult time with the bigger, more difficult part of that – which, for whatever reason, does not seem to be discussed about in any way that is helpful – that being: how to get there. i cannot figure out how to get to that place of not feeling so insecure about a relationship. i am reading about self love a lot, and none of it is really clicking with me – i read these things and in my head i’m like “yeah, in theory that sounds like the solution, and that sounds like what would work, but….” it all sounds very phony and does not click with me. and i will try things i read and i’m just like ???this is not helping?????

actually, upon reading these things, i feel like i already implement self love pretty effectively, (by whatever self love entails). i stay true to myself and don’t fight for others approval. i take care of my body. i am not reckless, i am careful and responsible. i don’t negatively evaluate myself, unless it is warranted, and if there is an area of me that is bad and needs work, i am very forgiving with myself and try my hardest to work through it. because i love myself and i want to help myself become the best person i can be. i have a wonderful domestic life and many friends. i am very curious and spend a lot of time educating myself. i enjoy my job and live in a nice home. i meditate. i have fun. i have peaceful alone time. i know my boundaries and i set them.

some issues though, i suppose:
i don’t really know what i’m passionate about, and despite sort of trying some things, i can’t seem to get myself to delve into art or music or anything enriching like i would like to. there are definitely times where i am busy with school and work. it is said (and i experience this with others) that people who are ambitious and have a lot going on are more attractive. but its like – why are you more attractive when you don’t feel that you need a relationship? that need isn’t as fulfilling and exciting once it is fulfilled if you don’t need it as bad. why does it work that way. if i find something i’m passionate about, i know for fact that i wouldn’t so desperately want a relationship anymore. but then i wouldn’t want a relationship anymore. so what would it matter.
and the trouble i run into with that: how do you effectively get your mind off of something you want so badly? (so you can have it. since it works this way. so it seems.) and that being said, how can you be passionate when you feel lazy and uninterested
i definitely had a rough childhood and didn’t get the love i needed. but ok – so what do i do about that now, you know? i believe that is a factor for anybody. but i can’t turn back time or anything. i will perpetually have the presence of that loveless inner child. what do i do about it.

and i feel i do as much to attract love as one could… i am very loving with my friends and others, i am extremely kind with my words and i am always 100% there for people. i am a good listener and i give good advice. i give a lot of love. i do practical things and non-practical things to show myself love.

and honestly – i am pretty physically attractive. maybe that sounds narcissistic but i have decent self esteem, so what… i also don’t settle either. i can be subtly flirty with guys who i am interested in, but all that ever seems to happen is either A) they’re interested too, we will be into each other for a couple weeks and flirt, maybe even have sex, but then he will lose interest ….OR…. B) he is simply not interested. and i think this is all a result of me being/seeming TOO interested. over the years i have become more and more good at acting NOT interested, but i am still not quite there. i have a big heart and i am sort of grandiose sometimes, i think… but simply acting uninterested does not solve the deeper issues, you know
i fantasize about exes all of the time. if i’m not thinking about a new guy, i’m thinking about someone from the past. even when i am doing things for myself, i will catch myself thinking amorous thoughts about SOMEBODY… and its not even thoughts exclusively about being showered with adoration or anything, i (just as much, if not more) think about loving and adoring somebody else

TL;DR i am sabotaging my own desire for a relationship by desperately wanting a relationship. i am confused about how to actually actually realistically love myself so that i don’t feel such a desperate need to love/be loved another. i don’t understand where this desire stems from and i am having a really difficult time finding that answer. i am also having a really difficult time figuring out how to effectively get myself to not need a relationship so badly. if you can refer back to everything i wrote above to avoid giving me a redundant answer, please do so. i am curious and confused and i really want to resolve this issue.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by m m.
- This topic was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by m m.
May 26, 2015 at 6:34 am #77264

Anonymous
Inactive

“i am sabotaging my own desire for a relationship by desperately wanting a relationship. i am confused about how to actually actually realistically love myself so that i don’t feel such a desperate need to love/be loved another. i don’t understand where this desire stems from and i am having a really difficult time finding that answer. i am also having a really difficult time figuring out how to effectively get myself to not need a relationship so badly.”

This speaks to me so well. I am having the same issues. I am trying to find it within in to me to get better, feel better, love myself. Sometimes it feels like a nearly impossible task! It’s such a project. I know it’s worth all of the hard work, sometimes I just feel like I have no idea what I’m doing or what I’m up against. Maybe it’s just a matter of time?

May 26, 2015 at 6:57 am #77265

m m
Participant

thanks for your response, i don’t know, it feels like less of hard work and more like there are steps that need to be taken that i am not aware of

May 26, 2015 at 7:05 am #77269

Anonymous
Inactive

You’re most welcome. The hard thing about there being steps to follow is that everybody is different and requires their own formula for self love, inner peace, and happiness. I’m noticing that it doesn’t matter how many self help books that I read or how many lists of steps that I try to follow – the common denominator seems to be time and a lot of focus. Compassion, understanding, and physical self care. I struggle with this stuff every day. Until my break up, I had no idea that I didn’t love myself – and I had no idea that it could be such a hard thing to do. For me so far, my improvement has come through hard work and time. I haven’t come very far, but I already feel a significant difference.

May 26, 2015 at 8:09 am #77279

Anonymous
Guest

Dear oaooo:
My understanding having read your post is that you have a lot of outside information- as in articles on self love- and there are a lot of things you practice for the purpose of loving yourself, but both did not produce the affect/ effects that you desire. It is my understanding that the reason for the lack of success is that the information you most need is not outside of yourself, as in articles, but inside yourself. It is maybe that you are looking for a short cut, or short cuts to get that self love that you need with minimum pain when the only way to get it, to find it is going through the pain you are trying to avoid. This I believe you can do within the context of effective psychotherapy: withing the context of a good professional relationship with a therapist who knows what he/ she is doing.

You know that you had a rough childhood… wouldn’t it be nice if we could solve this problem intellectually or by following specific practices? Insight + skills are required in the context of a good relationship- with a good therapist…?

anita

May 27, 2015 at 6:14 am #77354

m m
Participant

well i mean yeah, its less about “here is the formula i need written in x book” and more about me just trying to utilize tools available to see if maybe something sticks with me.

anita – i do not know how to look inside myself… how do i find what i need within?
i don’t have health insurance, can’t afford health insurance, and can’t afford a therapist out of pocket… definitely would benefit from one though.

i truly appreciate your thorough answers, both of you

i know if i were able to find the reasons for these feelings, i could tackle these reasons and probably feel okay. but it feels so deep and so hidden and i’m having a hard time accessing this side of myself, it almost feels potentially like a past life issue or something, very out of reach for me which is weird because i am generally so open with my own emotions all of the time

May 27, 2015 at 9:16 am #77370

Anonymous
Guest

Dear oaooo:
I think that the stuff that “feels so deep and so hidden” – you already know that stuff- you just don’t want to know-know it…

You know but you keep pushing it out of a deeper awareness that you know it. One day maybe you will say: I knew it the whole time i just didn’t believe it…

If this is confusing to you, ignore what I wrote…

Or take a second look, calmly, at what you already know- look at it differently, from another perspective… examine what you already know in a different light…?

Take care:
anita

May 27, 2015 at 9:48 am #77371

Bethany Rosselit
Participant

A lot of times our own misunderstandings about ourselves can be roadblocks to self-love. Your mind is seeking peace externally, because you likely have limiting beliefs about yourself on the subconscious level.

Being curious with yourself–observing your thoughts and asking, “Why do I think that?” can help bring some of these beliefs into the light, so you can redefine them. What is it that you are seeking from other people?

Learning to love yourself is a LONG process, but so worth it.

Bethany
http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

May 27, 2015 at 1:38 pm #77392

Rose Tattoo
Participant

I’m in the same boat and I can tell you what I’m doing, that I feel is slowly, slowly working for me.

For one thing, I use mantras a lot, do some energy tapping (look it up on You Tube) and tell myself “I love myself” when I start to get panicky about my most recent breakup.

I’ve spent years identifying communities where I feel welcomed and supported, and I spend time with these communities while also allowing myself a lot of alone time, which I need because I’m a classic introvert.

I’m working on being very conscious about the people I let into my life. I used to be so desperate to be wanted/loved that I’d let anyone in, even people who were negative, high-drama, and manipulative. It’s hard, but I’m slowly noticing the people who are kind, active, self-aware, supportive, and creative, and consciously making connections with them (i.e. asking them to go out for drink or a movie or a bike ride, etc). This is hard for me because I’m somewhat shy, but I do it anyway because I want to be surrounded by people who have their shit together.

I’ve rediscovered things that I’ve always loved to do, like garden, grow potted plants, go out into nature, be creative artistically, and read, and am trying to do more of those things.

I’ve also discovered that one way for me to stay physically active (and i hate exercising) is bicycling, so I try to do that regularly.

I’m seeing a therapist who has been a great supporter and friend for several years, and am taking her advice in terms of going to events, retreats, and seeking out support in different forms. I’m also in a woman’s support group.

I’m paying attention to what I need in order to feel good – i.e. I love my home being a comfortable nest, so I’ve been working on making it more comfy and nest-like and spending time in it just enjoying it.

And right now, I’m just simply not dating. I don’t feel healthy enough, and I don’t even want to date.

Everyone is different, of course, but that’s what I’m doing!

Good luck to you-

May 27, 2015 at 7:17 pm #77398

MichelleZ
Participant

Perhaps you could take a yoga class. It seems that there are a lot of non-stop thoughts running through your mind. With yoga, not only does the mind have a chance to slow down, but you find that deep self-love you are seeking. It is a science of mind-body-spirit. And when we are in alignment with those three aspects of ourselves, we feel whole. Self-love comes from feeling whole. The deeper of a connection you have to your ‘internal world,’ the more fulfilled you will feel. And the more you will be on the path to attract a partner who is best for your soul.

May 28, 2015 at 2:02 am #77408

Kath
Participant

Dear oaoo,

short on time, so I need to be brief. Here’s my opinion:

We all need love. Trying to get rid of a feeling is the best way to ensure that it is there to stay. So I think you need to accpet that you are feeling the way you do, and not try to tell yourself: “I SHOULD be happy. I SHOULD be OK on my own.” It’s a bit tricky, but an important part of loving yourself is to be compassionate about being not ok! If you had a child that said: “I need love, I feel lonely…” would you keep telling him: “But youve got everything, you should be happy!” NO! You would say “I can understand you, I’ll be there for you, it’s ok to feel lonely sometimes…”

I used to think I’m very strong and I’m ok on my own. However at the same time I kind of tried to shut away that vulnerable part of me that needed love. I looked down on it as a victim I did not want to be… And that is the mistake. It is that very part of you that needs understanding and self-compassion.

So my advice would be:
Try to accept that you feel lonely, disappointed or in need of a relationship and be kind with that part of you!
By all means do yoga and meditate and stuff, but don’t do this to get RID of a part of you that needs understanding!
It’s ok to be vulnerable, it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be disappointed when relationships fail or guys are not interested.

If you stop shutting up or judging that “needy” part of you, you might even discover WHY this part craves so much attention/love by guys, and why it falls for someone all the time. Treat it like you would treat a friend! It tries to tell you something, and only when you stop judging it for its “weakness” or for sabotaging you, you can start to listen and really understand…
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