LUCYLOU: This is a new post, and I am learning how to post. There is so much goodness in these forums but I have not seen advice for my situation. I married a man exactly what I was looking for years ago, but I assumed he would continue to grow and he did not. He is exactly like when I met him, and when getting married you simply can not predict every possible future scenario and how it will unfold. So, we grew apart. There many things lacking in the marriage, and my plan has been to live him when my children are grown. Several years ago I entered an affair. This went on for 3-4 years. He was an empty nester with full grown kids living out of state with their spouses and children. Although I told him repeatedly what my plan was (divorce when my kids are 18) I had a lot of trouble with him staying married as an empty nester and his reason for staying married was always ‘family’. He was ‘caught’ several times going on a few excursions/trips with her and always had a ‘valid’ reason why. Then finally he confided in me that she was a lesbian — supposedly. I am not against gays by no means. This reason, a few trips and him going home alone to her finally caused me so much agony I broke off the relationship. I worked with him. I have never loved or cared for someone as deeply as him yet the last 6 months I didn’t know what the truth was. After the breakup, 3-4 months later he announces he is getting a divorce, and now I began to have hope that it will eventually work out. I was 1 year away from my goal of getting a divorce. He was undergoing a lot of turmoil thru this divorce and I truly thought he was in a very dark place and I provided as much love, support, need and intimacy that he wanted. He asked for space and was spiraling out of control. I had no reason not to believe what he was telling me was true, his despair so obvious. I never lied to him about my situation and he always said he never lied to me, until the inevitable. He put his 2 week notice in at work, and I was shocked. The second to his last day, we were at a work function, and he was clearly flirting, asking for a goodbye kiss, telling me we would have along distance relationship, and later that day called for me for a ‘hook up’, which didn’t occur that day , but sex was a big part of this relationship. The morning of his last day a goodbye luncheon was planned and he called me in a panic to tell me a co-worker invited his Girl friend. Turns out, he met someone, then likely filed for divorce, and during the divorce period lived with her, all unknown to me. I was shocked, and went into shock. Its been 8 months and the betrayal I feel is tremendous. I feel cheated on, used, betrayed and actually sexually exploited or raped. I have not been intimate with my husband for years. I supported this man in every way, and obviously he was getting similar support from someone else. I found out all of this on the very last day, he moved out of state. My feelings for my husband have not changed — I feel the same for him before I met this man and after, I will still leave my husband, i feel i have been cheated on and betrayed, but officially i have done the same to my husband but rationalize it because i haven’t loved my husband or had an emotion attachment to him in years. I am physically and emotionally sick from this using anti depressents and sleeping pills to survive. The thought of him coming across sincerely to me and lieing so well to me repeatedly with no remorse has consumed me. Literally. We have been in touch, and i literally texted him daily for 3-4 months to get out my anger because for obvious reasons i can not tell anyone else about my anguish. we have talked, he apologized and asked for forgiveness. I can not forgive, i know i have read multitudes of posts that you must forgive but i can not. The thought of him exploiting me emotionally, and sexually, and then going home to someone else that he is living with and doing that very same thing has made me vomit more than i can recall. I can not forget him because i work in the same very environment we spent 4-5 years in, and I see countless other things/places/events that we shared that i attach a memory to that i cant let go, i cant hide and forget. he is out of state so its easy for him to move on, plus the fact he has his new GF to tend to. She, myself and ex-wife are still in the original state and he is gone, but confirmed he is still with the new GF. She knows nothing about me, i know who and where she is. When he told me about her, i said i was going to tell her, and he threatened me. He was going to keep us both i think, but wanted to salvage the one, which he has done. She, like me believes his sob story and anguish and has no knowledge he was cheating on her with me (althought i was GF/mistress #1) for 6-9 months (I’m starting to put pieces together) but most definitely was seeing her, and having sex with both of us, at the same time, and maybe in the same day. Once, i was in her shoes and the ‘other women’ called me and told me, and i was forever grateful. that was some 20 years ago, and i broke it off with that idiot. And now i am thinking of doing the same. Should I? I think she should know, but wonder if she would believe me, plus it would comprimose my position/secret as i am still married. Every day now I feel like i have been raped, i would of never, ever engaged in an intimate activity had i known he had someone else much less living with her. I have so much healing yet to do, i have never ever been so devastated, its been 8 months and i am still sick — probably because i relive it in my environment with the reminders. Quiting my job is not an option. As ironic as it sounds i will never trust anyone ever again, or ever let a man touch me again. I was honest and open with him, and then this. i never expected him, of all people to be so deceitful and hateful from where we came form together. He has other bad issues going for him, his wife stalked me, he left a pile of work for me to deal with, his grown children abandoned him and took the side of his mother (not understanding this, because grown adults should let their parents be grown adults), his ex hacked his phone (supposedly), recently i found out he was arrested at the airport for having a gun, yes a gun in his suitcase — pleaded not guilty he ‘forgot’ the media said. Really??? he does have weapons, all registered and a concealed weapon permit but who forgets that they have a gun in the suitcase at the airport?? So my logical side/my daytime side says forget and move on, but at night i am tormented about his lies, and abuse, and taking advantage of my good nature and trying to help him thru this divorce. I feel so used. i have lost almost a year of my life now, just trying to survive each day ‘under cover’ since this whole thing is an affair in my married life, so that part is exhausting. I need to get well, so i can move forward in the future plans that i still plan on sticking with but are simply to weak emotionally now to think about that. I am resentful that i waited years for him to make a change, and gave up when i didn’t see progress, then soon as i break up with him he does what i wanted, divorce, and finds someone. He is seeing her ‘long distance’. He told me in conversations since that ‘he needed someone to help his divorce’ and that i was ‘mean to him’. yes, i was mean, or more frustrated when i broke it off because he in my mind had no reason to stay married as an empty nester with grown children and families of their own out of state