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Doubt / Uncertainty in Relationships

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  • July 31, 2016 at 7:36 pm #111131
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    This has been on my mind for quite awhile, and I feel that I need to get it out. I do not feel that I have any one person that it is appropriate to discuss it with, so here I am.

    Almost three years ago I left my boyfriend of some three years, not because I did not love him. We did have some issues, and there were things about him I did not like, but the main reason for leaving was that I felt I was young (23 at the time), was unsure of what to do career-wise, wanted to travel and have some me time to figure things out. When I left, a big part of me thought I would go right back after some time and be with him again. I moved across the country with plans to travel, which I did – but along this journey I fell in love very suddenly with another person, who loves me very much.

    I ended up moving to a new place for this person. I now live with him. He is very good to me, and we are mostly happy, love each other, but I for some reason, and more so recently, cannot stop thinking about my ex-boyfriend. I know that I still love him very much, but also love the man I am with now. On top of this, the man I am with now is successful in his career and financially comfortable, whereas I am just not there yet, not where I want to be financially or in my career (which I still do not have a definite idea of what I want to be). Because my boyfriend is doing so well, I want to be happy for him, but find myself comparing myself to him and feel sub-par and inferior, almost a feeling that I am only a supporter to him, and can feel a resentment growing towards him.

    I do not know what do – it feels wrong to still be thinking of my ex, and be in this relationship, but I cannot distinguish whether my feelings towards my ex mean that I want to reunite with him, or if it’s simply a “grass is always greener” sort of thing. I do love my current boyfriend, but do not know why I have these feelings. I feel that I am never content with my current situation. If anyone could be so kind as to give an opinion or a word or two of advice on any of this, I would be so grateful.

    Warmly, and thank you.

    July 31, 2016 at 8:13 pm #111136
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear muchisima5:

    I am thinking you are unsettled, not only career wise. You are uncomfortable being you, at this point. I think that is the restlessness in you, the restlessness that motivated you to leave your ex boyfriend and move across country and it is the same restlessness that is now pushing you toward leaving your current boyfriend.

    When you left your ex part of you wanted to end up with him later. Now part of you wants to leave your current boyfriend and that part is enlisting feelings of longing to your ex and feelings of resentment toward your current boyfriend so to .. push you along toward leaving.

    This unsettled part of you will motivate you to keep moving and moving… trying this and leaving and on and on. Better attend to it, study it, understand it.

    Let me know if my understanding is or could be correct and we will continue, if you’d like.

    anita

    August 1, 2016 at 5:39 am #111160
    Jen
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you so much for your input.

    I am restless. I do, and have for some time feel the urge to keep moving. On the one hand, one of my goals is to adventure and explore the world as much as I can – but at the same time, I should be able to appreciate where I am in the current moment, and I don’t seem to be able to. To this day, I don’t feel that I had a rational reason for leaving my ex-boyfriend, other than needing to explore and have my own time, which probably was that restlessness you are talking about. I also do have very high foresight, I visualize and contemplate any and all possibilities, that “grass is greener” idea, and it probably makes this restlessness much worse.

    Can you offer any words on how to understand it / move it through? I want to be able to appreciate my current situation. I appreciate your time and your words so much. Thank you.

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