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This topic contains 13 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #324559

    Princess123
    Participant

    hallo  (Anita)

    Sorrry it is going to be long post 🙁

    i hope u are doing well .thank you so much for your last post in which u advised me to change my city and go  far from these people …

    i did same in LAST 3 months i changed my university and choosed another city which is very far away fróm such people and circle …thank you for thatt ..

    i changed my number ,address etc ..now i started my uni from october i am very much satisfied and relieved ..my life is now free from past guilt and regrets after meeting those people …

    on the other hand my that time(i mentioned in my previews post)boyfriend (my soulmate) ya i thought he was my soulmate who wasnt sure for commitment as he wasnt sure if he can take stand .u said me it wont be a good idea to continiue the relationship with him but i couldnt break up because i loved him so much to let him go seriously and i dint want to break his heart … after moving to my current city i was alone here i dint know anyone apart  from 3 people who were living away from here and they are my good friends ..two of them are male and one female ..when i met them we make plan to visit another city ..so i told my bf about our plan and  i went to another new city to travel with one of my male friend and a german girl which was a friend of him(male friend ) on weekend…

    after coming back from there my bf wasnt behaving normal .i was calling him he was ignoring / not calling back/ or replying late etc he was behaving different .. i  thought he was feeling jealous .

    i thought he was upset i asked him to talk to me why he is upset he wasnt saying anything about it etc..2nd day he dint call me i tried calling again ignoring or saying he was busy in very strict mood ,3 days passed i like this me calling nd he ignoring or just send me one good morning text …

    than i asked him whats the matter i am not getting whats going on ? because he doesnt want to talk about my going out with friends and wasnt talking either ..i was very disturbed with this confusion .. than he started replying very rude and said me”i doesnt understand whats going on thereeeeee!!!” well its your life do whatever u wantt””

    than there was silence and next morning he wrote good morning i replied thn.  again no call or text nothing  i dint call either ………..4 days past nothing no communication and i was tired calling him nd getting ignored most of the time …after 4 days i texted him that: is this a  breakup or what ?? its been 4 days now without contact than  i called him twice = but no answer ..he seen the msgs but ignored those so  i wrote him that that his silence and ignorance is the answer tht its break up ..nd i wrote  him clarification that i was honest with him very much loyal but i felt he is doubting me with my male friend which isnt true …i m honest and loyal but it hurts that he didnt trust me and ignoring me …and wished him best of luck

    again no answer

    after a week he started calling me on weekend ..at that time i was at my female friend  place with her so i dint recieve call ..than he sent  me a picture of the love notes ,which i wrote for him in which i wrote i love him alot and and cant live without him which was true btw ..i couldnt sleep without talking to him i dont why ..i was taking sleeping pills after a week of his not talking or i started sleeping very late…i felt comfortable being with him and i miss us alot …well back to story : he sent me pic and asked me were these all just words ,i replied :u took 2 weeks to ask this ?? he texted: as you took only 4 days to break up ??  i replied : u could ask me exactly after my asking for break up ???

    but Anita i dint break up with him ..he was the one who ghosted me for a4-5 days and i texted him if thats break up …

    well than he called me when i wAS IN WASHROOM ND m0bile was in room ..as i checked mobile i saw one miscall with his message in which he wrote : u must be busy now with your new …….. call me kindly  !!

    i was so shocked with his text i was waiting whole week that he will come and we ll  fix all these things but he was thinking i m with my new ….. ???

    well i called him 3 times he dint recieve …

    next dAY EVENING HE Called me and ask me about the luggage which  i left at his place and the conversation ends here …

    after 2 minutes of call : he sent me the picture in which he threw all my  love notes on toilet which he is about to flush and wrote me HERE YOU GO 🙂 .. replied : THANK YOU

    he flushed my notes after 2 weeks of silent …it broke my heart i was weeping crying whole night ….that how could he not ask me that whatever he is doubting is true or not how could he just let me go easily …

    nd today a week has passed after his last texts..i dint message him i was so broken i asked my one of good friend what to do she said me : i should move on nd not contact him ..according to her he flushed my letter and the statment ( Here you go ) attached to his text was very very rude …he cant be the right one for me …

    but i cant understand how could he so easily let me go our relationship was so perfect ..we used to understand each other laugh ,teased …how could he doubt me or put allegation on me when i was so honest with him …

    i am feeling better than before BUT somehow still confused ..was i very wrong to go outside with male friend ? should i be sorry?  as i dint apologized because i know i dint do anything wrong …

    #324665

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Princess123:

    Welcome back! I am glad you left that community where you were living. I hope you persist in your studies at university and graduate successfully.

    This  now ex boyfriend who flushed your love notes down the toilet- there wasn’t much of a chance for it progressing toward marriage because you shared in your previous thread that he was from a different caste and he wasn’t going to go against his parents.

    Reads like he got very angry because you traveled with a male friend (and with a female friend). In your previous thread you wrote: “one of my ex is spreading rumors about me”- do you think this latest man heard those sexual content rumors about you and figured you must have been sexually involved with the male friend you traveled with?

    anita

    #324667

    Princess123
    Participant

    Hallo Anita , thank you for your post .
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Ya i m hopeful that i will geraduate successfully ??..</p>
    regarding my ex i dont think he heard any of the sexual content rumors about me but he knew about my exes and almost all of  the stories related to them as i used to share with him every thing apart from sexual content.

    He was cool about everything about my ex ( thats  what he showed me ) and never show me jealousy but once when i brought the marraige topic than  he asked me if i think this relationship work ??  Than he told me that even when he doesn’t show any reaction when i talk to my guys friends doesn’t meant he doesn’t care ( he meant to say he doesn’t like my contact with( in clear words)male gender .etc

    but even if he was angry ,why dint he even come to talk about things ,and let me go .

    #324677

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Princess123:

    You are welcome. Maybe he was looking for a way out of the relationship and used the opportunity that you traveled with two companions, one of which was a man, as an excuse to end the relationship. Because of the different caste issue and not wanting to get in trouble with his parents. Is that a possibility?

    anita

    #324683

    Princess123
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    ya it can possible that he wanted to end things between us but we were so in love ..how could he do that . And why would he blame me that i broke up with him ? Even though he was giving me silent treatment…

    or may be he dint trust me .he thought i would ditch him with my male friend As he  wasnt never sure if he takes stand for me and was insecure about it ??? Or i don’t knw

    .

    I just cannot believe he let me walk away so easily . What you think anita what should i do ? And what will be ur advice for me at this stage of my life as i was keep writing here everything i was going through …

    i feel like no one will ever accept me as a partner everyone will come to pass their time but none will ever take a stand for me .. why do i have this feeling? After 3 failed relationships in a row i m just done .. or is there anything i should change in my self ??? Alot  of questions comes in my mind which i cant reply and the biggest Question arise is WHY Am i in  such relationships which are tempporary?

    #324697

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Princess123:

    My advice is that you focus on your education and future career so that you an earn enough money to live independently and comfortably.

    Regarding relationships, this other man and the most recent don’t read like good men at all. How rude of the last guy to give you a silent treatment and flush your love notes down the toilet and showing you a picture of that!

    Therefore, first thing you will need to do is learn how to evaluate a man before you get involved with him so to determine if he is a good man.

    If you want to review the beginning of your relationship with this man: you can give me a clear account of your interactions with him before you got physically involved with him, and I will give you my input on what you could have learned about him early on.

    If I remember correctly you met him January 2018 and got involved with him as a boyfriend in June that year, am I correct?

    (In some time I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

    anita

     

    #324831

    Princess123
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    i sm focusing on my studies right  now. I have been disturbed for a while because of the silent abd ghosting thing in my relationship. But now i m again in and focusing to graduate successfully On time.

    Ya i would love to share some of interaction with him so u can give ur review on it .

    One of my mutual friend gave him my contact so rhat i could guide or consult him about admission process etc .

    I have very helpful nature from childhood i always try to help people so i started guiding him   Which normally people doesn’t do here or make it a business for earning money well . We exchanged voice msgs nd i tried to help extraordinarily which i was doing too like sending him notes so that he start preparing for entrance test in my uni . Thn again he wrote me on Facebook that he wants my help when i replied he dint msged me back till one day when he texted me that he got admission in uni and moving here .and was searching for room / apartments.

    He was very good at communicating like he used to start talking like sweet amd appreciating ,  being helpful etc .

    So he moved to city and he asked if we can meet i was glad meeting him because i was so happy he got admission and everything. He gave me chocolate we had coffee and started talking normally .

    Then he called me again once about a suggestion regarding studies after that i asked him if he need my notes (bcz i was shifting he said he would love too )

    once i was in library we were not friends .we were exchanging msgs nd i asked him if he is also in library or university thn we can have 20 minutes break nd have a coffee but he said he isnt there but he would come there if i m in library . I said ya come ( i thought he ll come to study) he came for meeting me .. we had small conversation .and thn he asked me if i need help in moving he ll come .. i said i ll let him knw .

    .

    Thn we started meeting in library as i Preparing for supply exam and he ws preparing for the same exam too . We were meeting and it was fun .we were very good friends .i started discussing about my ex as i was already broken up . Meanwhile he asked me how many bf i had ? And

    there was our another mutual friends  who was interested in me and used to flirt with me . He used to pump him about me so that he comes to talk to me and he check my reaction ,or how do i react . I dont really knw why he used to manipulate him to talk to me and flirt with me ..

    once he told me that when he showed my picture to his female friend she commented about me that „she is very Beautiful,and your children will also be beautiful „ in other words she made him think about me and also his best friend who admired me while talking to him .

    And another time he said he ll make me talk to hid best friend when we were friends .after coming to relationship he never made me talk to his best friend . Even when he was talking to him infront of me .i felt a bit awkward that why is it so ?? He rarely shared with me what he talks with his best friend . In beginning of relationship i used to ask him what he talked to him and he used to reply most of the time why u want to know after a week i left asking him …. i thought he talk about us and was obsessed a bit but according to me his best friend had all information about us like wether i m staying at his place or i m moving out etc .

     

     

    #324869

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Princess123:

    I re-read some of our previous communication and my post today is based on our communication since April 2018. My quotes are your words with my minor grammatical, punctuation changes.

    In April 2018, you were a young, 22 year old (“I’m a beautiful girl”) single young woman living alone, far away from any and all of her Muslim family, in a Muslim/ refugee community of people from your homeland who relocated to Europe.

    By the time you were 22, you “have been in many relationships”. Your relationships became sexual very quickly. Most if not all your exes were jealous and possessive of you, accusing you of flirting with other men (“Ex A: very possessive about me.. Ex 2: Too much possessive.. checking my texts and mobile everyday, checking fb and replying to my male friends.. Ex (3): .. possessive, insecure, snooping mobile, checking my msges”).

    One of your exes  blocked your cousin because your cousin flirted with you and “sent me 1000 euro last month” and, that boyfriend “accused me that I was flirting with a 45-50 yrs old men”.

    That ex asked you “to  give him his costs.. he was demanding 2400 euro, including the cost of the Mac laptop which he bought for me”. You told him: “I don’t have any money.. I am a student who is allowed to work part time.. I am financially broke this month”.

    You then wrote to me: “If he is asking for his every single rupee.. why shouldn’t I ask money for my time.. services, massaging, taking care of him, bathing him, making him feel comfortable..”. You expressed something similar to him, and he “starts calling me prostitute and ..said to me: “now u will also ask me fee for having sex with me in the last 7 months.. he starts calling me prostitute and said that he’ll bring customers for sex”.

    Next he threatened you that if you don’t pay him back, he will contact your family. And you told him that you “will pay him everything, just don’t contact my family now”.

    You wrote that he shouted at you  in public, “angry when I don’t want any sexual thing”, and that “he used to do some sexually cruel things .. I used to scream because of such acts.. I used to tell him stop doing but he used to say: no, it doesn’t hurt… If I stopped him or screamed little loud he would get angry”.

    Following that relationship, you had your most recent. At one point “he told me that even when he doesn’t show any reaction when I talk to my guys friends, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care (he meant to say he doesn’t like my contact with.. male gender”. Later, you “went to another new city to travel with one of my male friend.. for the weekend. After coming back from there my bf wasn’t behaving normal.. I thought he was feeling jealous”.

    You wrote to me most recently: “I feel like no  one will ever accept me as a partner, everyone will come to pass their time but none will ever take a stand for me.. why do I have this feeling?”

    My understanding today:

    1. Sex and Money: this kind of exchange is as old as human society, as old as the bible. The exchange can be food-for-sex, cash-for-sex, gifts-for-sex, a house-for-sex, etc.. This exchange happens not only as illegal exchanges in street corners, but as legal exchanges within marriages. It is a very, very common exchange.

    In your case, it seems to me that you are quite aware of this traditional exchange but you are neither here nor there. Meaning, you participate in the exchange but you don’t call it that. You sort of pretend you are having a relationship while in practice, you are exchanging.

    You have to decide whether you are here or there. This is what I suggest if you meet a decent man with whom you are interested to have a loving relationship, maybe one leading to marriage:

    1. Do not have guy friends while in the relationship. No guy friends. None to travel with, none to flirt with you, none to study with in a library, none to have coffee with, none to send you money. No guy friends.

    2. Be very clear with the man regarding your financial needs and expectations. If you need financial help, ask for it. Don’t play games. Tell him: I need this, can you help me? You can suggest: I can take care of the house while you work, this kind of exchange, a legal, honest, ethical exchange. People do that all the time (ex: I will be your employee and spend 8 hours in your office if you pay me).

    See to it that you are honest, straightforward and upfront with the man.

    3. Do your best to graduate and take on a career, so that you can make your own money. Later on, if you get married, you can stop working and take care of the household,  if that works out, but until then, provide your own, legal income. No need to endure unecessary sexual humiliation. After all, a Princess (your screen name) should not endure the kinds of humiliation that so many women do. No woman and no human should endure humiliation. Let us not accept such from others, and let us not inflict such on others.

    anita

    #324891

    Princess123
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    i read your post and tried to understand it very well .

    I am earning my own income (legal ) i work and finance my self .none of my ex financed me .even not the latest . So the there was no money-exchange sex ,with him there was no Gifts exchange …nothing …

    The exchange you were talking about i knw such exchange . I was in relationships in which my one of my ex was giving me expensive gifts while we were in living relationship but i was earning my own legal income . I was working full time in my semester break and part time during lectures . And i was paying the Apartment rent ( while my living bf was paying 0.00 cent ) i was financing myself my health insurance,bills etc . But he only used to bring kitchen stuff (for two people ) which was 1/3 of what i was paying as rent .yah here u can say as a living bf  may be his gifts was a part of illegal exchange because he was staying at my place for 7 months for free .. but from my side it wasnt .he was the one who accused me that i m flirting with 45-50 yrs old even though i was looking at him . In his relationship i wasnt in contact with any guy friend because he was so good at manipulation ..y

    And he dint shout at me in public for sexual thinh but just because i said him i dont knw how to cook the meal which he was asking ..

    And in my previous threads when i talked about my ex 1 ,ex 2  that they were possessive .those relationships i had in my country ..where i was not going for ,studying with any guy in library ,talking on call wd any guy etc …ex1 used to scare me with stories that the world is round and  if someone lies or cheats the second one will surely get to knw someday etc …

    I wasn’t selling my sell for sex . Do u think my latest bf left just because i kept selling myself ?? Even though i loved him unconditionally without receiving money,expensive gifts or anything from him .there was no exchange just love … so where i went in my latest relationship. I started feeling sad now that he left me because of my interaction with my male friend or what ?

    #324897

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Princess123:

    I am not very focused at the moment (tired and a bit under the weather) so I will need to read your recent post and anything you may add to it tomorrow morning. For now, having read some of it, I’d say that I don’t think you read my post to you thoroughly or patiently enough. Perhaps you would like to re-read it slowly. As to the latest guy and the male friend- reads like yes, he was upset that you went traveling with another man. Like I wrote to you, I think it is a good idea, that when you are in a relationship next time, that you don’t spend time with male friends.

    You moved to the city where you now live three months ago. The male friend you traveled with is a man you met within the last three months?

    I will be back to the computer in about 17 hours from now, most likely.

    anita

    #324983

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Princess123:

    I do remember that you shared before that the abusive man (the refuge) didn’t pay rent for some time. I don’t remember all the details, but here is my point regarding that man: he made suggestions that you were a prostitute, or should be (suggesting to bring you customers, if I remember correctly). Plus he hurt you with his unwanted sexual acts. Now, it doesn’t matter if he pays your rent or you  pay his rent, what is important is that in neither case you live with a man who sexually violates you and who suggests to bring you customers.

    Fast forward, this latest man who sent you a picture of your love notes to him flushed down the toilet after you went traveling with a male friend. There is this simple fact that most men do not want their girlfriend to travel overnight with a male friend, especially if the girlfriend is as young and beautiful as you. It is not unreasonable to think that a young male friend an a young female friend traveling together and sharing overnight accommodations,  will be sexually interested in each other, is it?

    One more thing regarding sex and money in the context of a relationship: make sure there are no misunderstandings, that finances are agreed on by the two parties and that the two parties believe the financial arrangement is fair and that no one is being used in any way, sexually or financially.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by  anita.
    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by  anita.
    #325025

    Princess123
    Participant

    Dear Anita ,

    As u asked me if i know that male friend from 3 months ?

    Noo . I know him  or 2nd male friend before knowing my latest man …

    and i went to travel with him without staying night or sharing accommodation  . It was 10a-11 am  till 4 pm  than i returned.  At 9 am i called my bf told him i m going to another city as i informed him before traveling also .

     

     

    #325027

    Princess123
    Participant

    Yah that’s right in  no  case i should accept any abuse / violation physically ,verbally or sexually .

     

    On the  hand I want to ask u ,  as u said most male doesn’t like his gf to travel with his male friends which i did . Did u think i should have done something else to save my relationship rather tham walking away from him when he was angry and giving me silent treatment ?

    But isnt silent treatment and ignoring a person kind of abuse or Control ?

    Or was it for better or should i talk to him now and clear him that i have No New …….. in my life as he is suspecting / doubting.

    #325031

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Princess123:

    I am glad we agree on this: “in no case I should accept any abuse/ violation physically, verbally or sexually”.

    Regarding your question: after you travelled with a male friend, and after your boyfriend got angry and gave you the silent treatment, should you have done “something else to save my relationship rather than walking away”? – no, because this relationship had a very small chance of success, being that his parents wouldn’t have agreed that he marries you because the two of you are of different castes and because he told you that he will not defy them.

    “Isn’t silent treatment and ignoring a person kind of abuse or control?”- if every time a man gets angry at the woman (or the other way around) and gives her the silent treatment as punishment, then yes, it is abusive. But if the man ignores the woman because he is angry and feels that if he talks to the woman, there will be an argument, and he wants to avoid an argument, then it is not abusive.

    I don’t think you should contact this man. In summary: I think that you should not spend time with any male friend when you are in a relationship with a boyfriend. I think you must not receive abuse of any kind from a man, nor abuse the man in any way. I think you should not argue with a man, and instead,  negotiate calmly the terms of the relationship with him, so that everything is clear, fair and agreed to by both parties to the relationship.

    anita

     

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