Dear Princess123:

Welcome back! I am glad you left that community where you were living. I hope you persist in your studies at university and graduate successfully.

This  now ex boyfriend who flushed your love notes down the toilet- there wasn’t much of a chance for it progressing toward marriage because you shared in your previous thread that he was from a different caste and he wasn’t going to go against his parents.

Reads like he got very angry because you traveled with a male friend (and with a female friend). In your previous thread you wrote: “one of my ex is spreading rumors about me”- do you think this latest man heard those sexual content rumors about you and figured you must have been sexually involved with the male friend you traveled with?

anita

Dear Princess123:

You are welcome. Maybe he was looking for a way out of the relationship and used the opportunity that you traveled with two companions, one of which was a man, as an excuse to end the relationship. Because of the different caste issue and not wanting to get in trouble with his parents. Is that a possibility?

anita

Dear Princess123:

My advice is that you focus on your education and future career so that you an earn enough money to live independently and comfortably.

Regarding relationships, this other man and the most recent don’t read like good men at all. How rude of the last guy to give you a silent treatment and flush your love notes down the toilet and showing you a picture of that!

Therefore, first thing you will need to do is learn how to evaluate a man before you get involved with him so to determine if he is a good man.

If you want to review the beginning of your relationship with this man: you can give me a clear account of your interactions with him before you got physically involved with him, and I will give you my input on what you could have learned about him early on.

If I remember correctly you met him January 2018 and got involved with him as a boyfriend in June that year, am I correct?

(In some time I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

anita

Dear Princess123:

I re-read some of our previous communication and my post today is based on our communication since April 2018. My quotes are your words with my minor grammatical, punctuation changes.

In April 2018, you were a young, 22 year old (“I’m a beautiful girl”) single young woman living alone, far away from any and all of her Muslim family, in a Muslim/ refugee community of people from your homeland who relocated to Europe.

By the time you were 22, you “have been in many relationships”. Your relationships became sexual very quickly. Most if not all your exes were jealous and possessive of you, accusing you of flirting with other men (“Ex A: very possessive about me.. Ex 2: Too much possessive.. checking my texts and mobile everyday, checking fb and replying to my male friends.. Ex (3): .. possessive, insecure, snooping mobile, checking my msges”).

One of your exes  blocked your cousin because your cousin flirted with you and “sent me 1000 euro last month” and, that boyfriend “accused me that I was flirting with a 45-50 yrs old men”.

That ex asked you “to  give him his costs.. he was demanding 2400 euro, including the cost of the Mac laptop which he bought for me”. You told him: “I don’t have any money.. I am a student who is allowed to work part time.. I am financially broke this month”.

You then wrote to me: “If he is asking for his every single rupee.. why shouldn’t I ask money for my time.. services, massaging, taking care of him, bathing him, making him feel comfortable..”. You expressed something similar to him, and he “starts calling me prostitute and ..said to me: “now u will also ask me fee for having sex with me in the last 7 months.. he starts calling me prostitute and said that he’ll bring customers for sex”.

Next he threatened you that if you don’t pay him back, he will contact your family. And you told him that you “will pay him everything, just don’t contact my family now”.

You wrote that he shouted at you  in public, “angry when I don’t want any sexual thing”, and that “he used to do some sexually cruel things .. I used to scream because of such acts.. I used to tell him stop doing but he used to say: no, it doesn’t hurt… If I stopped him or screamed little loud he would get angry”.

Following that relationship, you had your most recent. At one point “he told me that even when he doesn’t show any reaction when I talk to my guys friends, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care (he meant to say he doesn’t like my contact with.. male gender”. Later, you “went to another new city to travel with one of my male friend.. for the weekend. After coming back from there my bf wasn’t behaving normal.. I thought he was feeling jealous”.

You wrote to me most recently: “I feel like no  one will ever accept me as a partner, everyone will come to pass their time but none will ever take a stand for me.. why do I have this feeling?”

My understanding today:

1. Sex and Money: this kind of exchange is as old as human society, as old as the bible. The exchange can be food-for-sex, cash-for-sex, gifts-for-sex, a house-for-sex, etc.. This exchange happens not only as illegal exchanges in street corners, but as legal exchanges within marriages. It is a very, very common exchange.

In your case, it seems to me that you are quite aware of this traditional exchange but you are neither here nor there. Meaning, you participate in the exchange but you don’t call it that. You sort of pretend you are having a relationship while in practice, you are exchanging.

You have to decide whether you are here or there. This is what I suggest if you meet a decent man with whom you are interested to have a loving relationship, maybe one leading to marriage:

1. Do not have guy friends while in the relationship. No guy friends. None to travel with, none to flirt with you, none to study with in a library, none to have coffee with, none to send you money. No guy friends.

2. Be very clear with the man regarding your financial needs and expectations. If you need financial help, ask for it. Don’t play games. Tell him: I need this, can you help me? You can suggest: I can take care of the house while you work, this kind of exchange, a legal, honest, ethical exchange. People do that all the time (ex: I will be your employee and spend 8 hours in your office if you pay me).

See to it that you are honest, straightforward and upfront with the man.

3. Do your best to graduate and take on a career, so that you can make your own money. Later on, if you get married, you can stop working and take care of the household,  if that works out, but until then, provide your own, legal income. No need to endure unecessary sexual humiliation. After all, a Princess (your screen name) should not endure the kinds of humiliation that so many women do. No woman and no human should endure humiliation. Let us not accept such from others, and let us not inflict such on others.

anita

Dear Princess123:

I am not very focused at the moment (tired and a bit under the weather) so I will need to read your recent post and anything you may add to it tomorrow morning. For now, having read some of it, I’d say that I don’t think you read my post to you thoroughly or patiently enough. Perhaps you would like to re-read it slowly. As to the latest guy and the male friend- reads like yes, he was upset that you went traveling with another man. Like I wrote to you, I think it is a good idea, that when you are in a relationship next time, that you don’t spend time with male friends.

You moved to the city where you now live three months ago. The male friend you traveled with is a man you met within the last three months?

I will be back to the computer in about 17 hours from now, most likely.

anita

Dear Princess123:

I am glad we agree on this: “in no case I should accept any abuse/ violation physically, verbally or sexually”.

Regarding your question: after you travelled with a male friend, and after your boyfriend got angry and gave you the silent treatment, should you have done “something else to save my relationship rather than walking away”? – no, because this relationship had a very small chance of success, being that his parents wouldn’t have agreed that he marries you because the two of you are of different castes and because he told you that he will not defy them.

“Isn’t silent treatment and ignoring a person kind of abuse or control?”- if every time a man gets angry at the woman (or the other way around) and gives her the silent treatment as punishment, then yes, it is abusive. But if the man ignores the woman because he is angry and feels that if he talks to the woman, there will be an argument, and he wants to avoid an argument, then it is not abusive.

I don’t think you should contact this man. In summary: I think that you should not spend time with any male friend when you are in a relationship with a boyfriend. I think you must not receive abuse of any kind from a man, nor abuse the man in any way. I think you should not argue with a man, and instead,  negotiate calmly the terms of the relationship with him, so that everything is clear, fair and agreed to by both parties to the relationship.

anita