Just realized, those boxes appeared again…

Dear Anita,

Massive update. And, not in a particularly good way…

Ive been silent all these days, coping with my dads health, managing a house on my own, the holidaysstress etc. On new years eve I left all the past behind. That door closed and my ex is a matter to laugh about these days, if at all. So all was going good, I was emotionally stable, my dad was doing great, the family got back to normal. And then it happened…

I was out one night having a blast with my sister and met a guy. I was so shocked by him! I instantly felt hard ffor him. He danced with me and we talked. Then some red flags arised:

1. he didnt have an education, saying he ate all his fathers money whilst joking around and lying he was studying.

2. he doesnt have a stable or financially rewarding job, he also had so many crazy ideas about new careers that didt make sense.

3. whilst we were dancing he tried to kiss me and I refused saying it was too early and it was.

4. (so sorry for becoming explicit) whilst dancing he would draw me closer to him and his aroused male member, making it seem random, I hope you get the idea.

But anyway, I was a sceptical but I thought maybe its because he had too much to drink. We exchanged numbers. My sister didnt like him with a fierce passion.

Disclaimer: he doesn`t work from October to April, so he has all the time in the world, litterally.

WEEK NO.1:

We would talk all day everyday through texts for the first week and we went on coffee dates after my work, five out of the 7 days, him being the one to ask me out. He would be very courtious, sharing eveything about his life, opening doors for me, caring my bag, paying for everything, holding my hand even talking on the phone for the last goodninght. Some strange things were that he didn`t ask too many things about me, mostly he would ask about my day and my career and the other is that we would arrange plans to get together 1-2 hours before the actual date.On Saturday he asked if I wanted to come to his place and I denied because I felt it was too soon. The next day he took my for a driving lesson and then at coffee, he told me he was leaving for his country home to see his parents out of the blue. Then he pushed himself away from me saying he hated PAD in a very dictating fashion. I was sad, but he later apologized. He nicknamed me puppy because he said I was such a yes-girl.

WEEK NO.2:

Monday I didnt see him because he wanted to meet his friends, understandable. From Tuesday to Saturday he was away to his parents, sharing videos and photos with me also wanted to talk to me over the phone for goodnight. With the exeption he told me he would return on Friday, the changed his plans to Saturday and I got to know that because I asked. He gave me a bs explanation. But didnt make much of it, trying to calm my mind. I also asked if we were exclusively dating to which he agreed but he was sooooo cold. Everytime I talked to him either texting ore phone, it seemed I talked to a friend, I could literally smell his emotional distance. On Saturday he returned and we had drinks and then at the back of his car we had a steamy encounter but I refused sex and he was pushing for it. He drove me home as always and I said: hey let`s go for lunch tomorrow! He said maybe he has something to do with the boys but what if we had wine at his place later in the evening. To which I agreed and next day magically, all the boys were away and we could meet. We had sex, it was amazing. I knew it was too soon, but I needed it, after a year of no action. He then ordered chinese and we watched a movie, he drove me home, but his attitude was slightly changed. I could feel it. He said he was just sleepy.

MAJOR PROBLEMS START: The next morning he didnt send me anything. I patiently waited but it was 2 in the afternoon and I feared I was ghosted. So I called him, he was sleeping and he was annoyed I asked him if things were ok between us and if he still wanted to see me. After that we texted but he was really cold and distand. Mind you, I asked (as freaking always, I hate myself for it) like a scared puppy, really politely. I even said sorry for inconviencing you. He said I make quick assumptions and that is a huge black dot on my character. That if it happens again, we wouldnt continue on. Tuesday he asked to see me but not after work as I wanted because the boiler would take hours to heat the water and he wanted to take a shower. What kind of boiler takes 3 hours? I knew it was bs but agreed to his terms. When we were out he was colder than ever. He did`t look me in the eyes as usual, he would downgrade my diplomas and make me fear my career future. He had a facebook message which he replyed to whilsht hiding his phone from me. I knew something was off. His kisses were faint and his holding my hand also. Out of the blue, totally emphatically he said he had to call his boss and also have a smoke. That never happened before and his : oh! I want to call my boss now... He went out twice to do that. Then he said lets go somewhere to be more intimate. He proposed his home but saying his siter was there and if it was a problem with me. I said no, thinking I would meet her. His sister was locked in her room, I never saw her. I told him I was menstruating and he got disappointed.

The next two days I asked him out and he refused. The second being he had arranged to meet with his boss for beers and that if he was finishing early he would come pick me up for a car ride. My intuition, my gut, my whole being was screaming that something is reeeeally off. That he has another girl. I called him and being firm but calm, I asked for the truth and were we were at. He was turning my questions on me, making it seem I was needy for not being together everyday. I told him that this is absurd, of course we are not siamese and each of us has a life to live as well but denying your s.o. twice in a row to see them combined with the emotional ditachment was too much to leave unnoticed. Long story short he said we were just having fun and that it was too soon to know if he wanted to see me in the future oir even imply starting a relationship. I asked what he felt about me or us, not as in I love you etc. A simple I like you a lot and want to explore our connection more would surfice. He said he didt have any feelings for me, that sex meant nothing. Not even something shallow for the sake of it! He called the whole thing of saying I remind him of his ex, that he doesnt want to waste time. I asked for a final meet up, so that like grown ups we could sort things out. He denied and he didn`t even want to stay in touch but if he changes his mind he would call. Then he vanished.

SOME SKETCHY FACTS ABOUT HIM:

– He was obsessed with fire and arsony when he was young but he says that`s gone now.

-He really likes poker and openly said that in the past he would play a lot of his dad`s money online.

-He had souvenirs from his ex all over his place.

-He confessed to have anger issues. His whole family having earned a nickname for that.

-He is not in good terms with his dad after he wasted a good part of his money.

– He would compliment my so little, that it was unhealthy. I don`t like compliments at all, but I understand that a level of admiration for your date is healthy and right. He would always try and fish out my admiration which I did admire him, but he wanted more.

-He would cut me off when I was talking about my dreams and goals and insert his.

Needless to say, all my loved ones didnt like him from day one. They warned me that he was a player and that the educational and financial gap was about to start creating problems. Men in my life were screaming that this was a huge mistake but I carried on, thinking the were just bigots. I feel so sad. I feel I lost a potentially good man since some girlfriends of mine said I rushed things. In my mind I was so zen and chill and I would have continued as such if it werent for my intuition. I just did`t want to willingly look the other way again, as I did with my ex and waste my time and heart again. But what if I made a mistake? Was I really pushing him? I agreed to all his terms, when and where we would go, my only requests being that we would text good morning/night texts because that makes me feel warm inside…What should I do? Did God as eveyone says send me a blessing in disguise by parting ways with him?

I’m really sorry about the inconvenient format with those boxes. I tried to post from both my pc and my phone and nothing works!

And i also reported my own reply by accident. Turns out I cant even stand myself XD

Dear Anita,

I see what you did there. I thought of it myself all these days. My friends and family said the same. That although I may fear being pushing, I am actually a true pushover and a people pleaser. So, men test my limits whilst having fun and exploiting me.

I would really like to STOP, just stop stop stop this. It’s eating me up. Submission is sexy to me, natural. I know we talked about it at length, I tired to even carry the thought that I remain as such. But every step to stand up for myself and be assertive seems like a full blown, rude revolution in my head.

My dad and mom are starting to get worried sick. They want me to be a strong, independent woman and choose wisely and don’t allow sh*t to happen to me AND FEEL responsible and like the worst human being.

Do you think he was a good man and I pushed him away? Am I overeating, am I really in my head? The what ifs and only ifs are torturing me.

I think it’s the fear of missing out. But all the people around me are mad at the fact I always turn against myself, even with deadbeat loosers and players…

Anita, my fear is I will always rely on someone to comfort my mind because I cannot silence the damn thing. I even booked a session with a new therapist this Friday evening. God’s a big help, the past is a good help, others people misery is a good help. I was reading all day long topics from the forum and articles here. i felt good and relieved, next hour, back to how I was. Can’t beat the devil can you?

Dear Anita,

Sorry for the delayed answer. Work has been hectic, but in a weird sense, cathartic as well. It gives me peace of mind. For a while at least.

I`m really scared of the idea of medication in this moment. But I am open to the idea of alternative therapy such as volunteering, helping others, starting a hobby etc. Financially at this stage in my life I can support therapy multiple times per week, so I will go with your suggestion.

Ever since that “breakup” happened, I cannot eat that well. I force feed myself sometimes. My tonsils became ill and my neck is in pain – the classic reponse my body has when I am in deep unhappiness or something terrible happens (psychosomatic doctors say). Everyday I wake up in the middle of the night in sheer panic, sweating and then it hits me – hes gone for good. I get anxious and frustrated, until I finally calm by the memory of my grandma and listening to bird sounds on youtube. Then Im back to a semi-sleep kind of thing. Which is draining rather than relaxing… Other times I just cry it out, because I blank out and totally ignore my surroundings, thinking Im alone. What I wouldnt give to sleep and live. And live….

Im scared I dont know how to make good choices. I dont trust myself anymore. But strangely enough, I do! In the sense that my intuition makes me "screw up" or be "demanding" with lame guys and thus I get the out of my life. Do I make sense? Like two Sofies: 1. She is the pleaser/agreeable/all accepting/no demands/no standards/beggar    2. She is screaming from the inside, manipulating my emotions and mind to trigger my action because she sees the danger sign outside those peoples doors. And I listen to her but the other one brings me down as a punishment. Like a parent, cant keep them both happy, they antagonize too much. Its a fine mess.

Thank you for you understanding and insight. I wished I could be of help here on the forum, but how can a blind offer guidance to others? I can`t take that big of a responsibility. I will make a new post with my recovery, keeping my path updated.

Dear Anita,

Im extremely humbled to be on this forum and receive such support and guidance from amazing people. People that understand. Strangers helping one another. I feel have a refuge to go to. Its life changing to me.

“(and should have spent none)” It`s such a huge relief to hear. For some reason I doubt my ability to judge matters correctly as if I have no knowledge, no experience, no common sense, just like a newborn. I always want to double check and confirm with other people if I am thinking and acting rationally. That guy and also my ex commented on how I am like a little child. I thought they were being romantic and playful. But it is the vibe I give and to myself first and foremost! This complete distrust to own judgement comes from either:

1.My upbringing (as we have already discussed previously) : mom & dad not listening to my voice, my advice, laughing sarcastically when I voiced an opinion.

2.Internalizing my upbeat/bubbly/carefree personallity as childlike. Because people say so. I believed the dumb-blonde stereotype too hard.

I`m really looking forward to therapy, balancing my yin and yan, not confusing optimism with submission, being self willed with being a bad person. That has to stop. I have worth. I have value. I fought hard in everything I did so far, I am owing to none except God and myself.

About the 2 Sophies, yes kind of. But they are both strong in different ways. The weak Sophie is strong as in she brings me down and emotionally manipulates me – the strong Sophie is the one “guiding” my hand, whos voice is changing the course of my actions. For example imagine you are ill and you dont want to take the medicine you need. Dad is being loud, assertive, that if you dont drink the meds, you will be in big trouble. Mom is behind being intimidated by dad, though, back in a corner, watching the whole thing, making faces as if, you dont need to take the meds, or that dads overreacting and saying: “you don`t have to be so harsh with the kid”. Do I make sense? This image is actually something that was happening often in my childhood. Although dad was right, his way of communicating was too strong. Mom could also be on the same side, but her way was too soft. It polarized me and still does to this day…