Dear Anita,

I want to report that I`m slightly better than I was before as concerned with the lastest guy I dated. Yes, I do have my outbursts of: – what have I done? -why did I push a good guy away? -what if he never comes back? -what if I lost a chance in happiness?,  but now they are more subtle and fade away quicker. I can actually calm my mind all by myself for the most part, even if it means I have to  use selfish/egotistical/bitchy thoughts that seems soooo strange to have. Sometimes I do ask my loved ones for support, but I force myself to stop indulging in self pity, self doubt, self victimization and self inflicted panic. Que sera, sera.

Another thing is that I “talk back” to myself. And its soothing. Its discipline that boosts me at this point, I think. Im young, beautiful, accomplished....I can achieve better things. I deserve better things. No man that likes you treats you like that. I used to believe that small actions of interest, or just basic courtesy was HUGE. No, its not acts that count, it`s the consistency and quality of acts that count…

“Of course, the anger and dominance will have to be somewhat controlled so to not become abusive and violent- this is where part of the fear is, that anger will take you too far?” yes kinda. That the results of my anger will create irreversable realities which will be definite and cruel. For example, if I react to this guys mean remarks or disrespect, I will never find another man, Ill be alone forever so lets just suck it up and be thankful that at least theres a man around. Or if I talk back to a collegue that disrespected me, the event will be so huge, Ill get fired. Or if I curse someone that cursed me on the streets, they will kill and/or rape me. So better be quite... This springs from the fact that my parents and especially mty dad always warns us about everything but using extreme examples and extreme concequences. For example dont be intimate with a guy because he will use you and you might get pregnant. I know its amazing to have people that love you and want the best for you and to even get warned when things look ugly. But warning can get ugly too. My family biggest fear is  making mistakes/last chances. Especially my dads. Hes guilt tripping himself 24/7 for stupid things or even things he didnt do! He used to shout at us and get mad small things like dropping food on the floor or not making a deadline in school. "I TOLD YOU BUT YOU ARE SO STUBBORN YOU NEVER LISTEN. YOU ARE JUST LIKE MY MOTHER. NOW THIS IS WHAT YOU GET. / YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE WHEN YOU DO THAT!/  WHY DO YOU WANT TO DESTROY YOUR MOM AND I?/ YOU WILL BE WRONG AND THEN YOU WILL CRY BITTER TEARS, YOULL SEE.” This is what he typically says, more or less agressive it depends on the situation. “Ok, Im wrong, you are right./ I apologize to you" is all the time and in a passive agressive manner. Now that hes older he is milder in his ways… Mom will always be like “Dads coming home, hes angry pretend/act like nothing happened/like you know nothing./ Tell him this or that (with extreme detail)./ If dad says do/say this./ Please do it for me, say nothing it shall pass, I dont want any fights in the house". I dont know if sharing this helps…

To all of your 3 theories I agree. I used to be an outspoken person once. I still cannot bear my mom being so coward. Although I love her more than anyone, she never stands up for herself. She prefers calmness instead of justice, to me its maddening. And thats why I can`t grasp how I got to be so like her.

(SAP) Yes I think that too. Deep inside , I dont think my mom is an equal to my dad, thats why I want a man thats gonna be her polar opposite. I may love her but I dont admire her. I love all she does for us, but I would like her to be more dynamic because its so unfair for her. Or its possible I am an emotional leech, I suck the anger I cannot create myself. Even now that I type this, the thought of an angry man is the sexiest thing ever! Because angry = passionate in my mind. I`m tired of myself I just want to be like all the other girls.

Dear Anita,

I read your reply when you sent it and instantly began to observe my mom, the relationship with my mom, the feelings I have for her, the feelings our interractions produce and how I externalize those feelings. Here`s what I found out:

• the points you made are…on point. I am extremely loyal to my mom, even if at times I have to mute my inner voice, perception, emotions etc. She is so special to me, we had to fight together to stay alive at my birth, because she had complications that could kill us both. Maybe that was imprinted in my subconsious.
• I was following the same path my dad had with his mother. He was extremely attached to her and although he never restrained his anger explotions towards her, he would litterally torture himself with guilt (still does) and make sure she forgave him. This obsessive sense of loyalty and respect towards his parents was passed unto me. Alongside with the guilt tripping.
• I am super nice to my mom because I saw the unfair treatment she had from her mother. My grandma was a narcissistic woman, manipulative with anger issues. She married a saintly man, my grandad who was too timid to stand up for himself or his kids. She hated my dad and was tutoring us against him, even as little as 4 years old. I myself had a super rocky relationship towards my grandma, even now that I forgave her and I care for her, I`m still unable to erase all the hurt inside of me.Now she is calm and caring because she is unable to sustain herself and she loves my dad to death (?!). My mom was emotionally neglected to the extreme and had no real friends, no one to lean on, to fight for her. So, I think I am the replacement of her mother emotionally, a role I took on completely on my own.

To really solve this conflict, you will have to .. betray your mother, so to speak. Can and will you  betray your mother this way, asserting yourself, acting in a way that you value, a way that will cause you to admire yourself?    I actually did that yesterday. Her boss is rude to her and she didnt stand up for herself and I had an mini explotion of anger (not being mean or offensive) when she told me she didnt feel the need to speak out. And it felt nice. I was peaceful afterwards. Maybe all this strife with myself was because I was not expressing myself.

Truth is, theres nothing I hate more, nothing I am more afraid of than being/ witnessing unfairness. More than death, more than loneliness, more than pain. When I was a child, I wanted to become a judge or laywer to protect victims (especially of rape/domestic violence/human rights). Maybe that adds nothing to the dialogue here but I think its worth mentioning.  I stopped having these aspirations when I started being bullied at my new highschool  (age 14)and completely lost my voice. I didnt stand up for myself, or do anything, thus I thought I would become a fail of a laywer. Before that and at my old school I used to be the MOST outspoken, confident, boldsy, strong girl in the whole building. My classmates had debates with me and everyone thought Id be very succefull with a career in law. I had memorized the Greek Constitution and was known for my feministic view (1- 2 wave feminism). I am honestly clueless where this kid “went”… Still looking for her.

Dear Anita,

1. Your father and his mother: she mistreated him when he was a child, no doubt. As a result he felt angry at her, but also guilty for feeling anger at his own mother. This emotional dynamic of anger & guilt is still his experience decades later as it was when he was a child. He is stuck in the same emotional experience of his childhood.     Im really amazed at how you found out about this . Yes my grandma used harsh punishments for my dad when he was a kid, but that was the norm in the 60s and 70`s Greece. But she loved him to pieces!

And generally, this is something that pretty much all of greek kids experienced growing up, myself included. My dad has apologized for it a million times, but still if there is a fight going on or he feels insulted he would “threaten” us with physical violence. Which he of course doesnt mean it , he jusy has a big mouth. Like stop talking like that or Ill slap you in the face and you`ll see stars kind of thing. Again typical for a Greek father.

Im happy to report I had my 2nd therapy session.- it went great! She asks such questions that lead to other parts Ive never knew about myself. She asked which are the good or bad events in my life that I think lead me to how I am today and such. She asked to describe the members of my family with 3 adjectives (or more) etc… I even lifted of my chest an incident of molestation from an uncle I experienced as a kid, which no one knows. I felt liberated!!!! 😀 😀 (YAYYYY) She assigned for our next appointment next Saturday to write about how I view myself. It can be as big or as small as I want. I feel progress is being made. Totally different thatn my ex therapist.

I have some feelings of despair and not-being-enough or being a failure or comparing myself here and there but I m managing to cope and reason with myself on my own. Like my sister says, help should always be used and asked for, but I also have to teach myself how to handle things on my own. I took Friday, Saturday and Sunday to relax and do nothing. Saturday after therapy I went out with my sister for brunch and shopping, but the rest of the weekend we just laid on the couch, feeding our souls with comfort food and movies. It was a much welcomed break as Im always strict with my diet and going to the gym.

I`m also thinking about starting a new thread here , up-keeping with my updates!