Hi there, I’ve been having a tough time lately and would appreciate any advice or support.

I’m a student in an independent living situation. One of my biggest passions is being active and I know for a fact all the activities I do every day are key in managing stress and anxiety. I do tend to get overwhelmed easily. 4 years ago, a parent died suddenly and for 2 years after that I was in an extremely miserable state, barely living at all, with minimum relationships. I think I suffered a lot of feelings of helplessness, and it now leads me to get very anxious whenever I have a problem I’m facing. Even if I know that I want to do well in school (I adore what I’m studying) sometimes I feel paralyzed by my fear of beginning things. Especially since I know that at this point I’m a little behind, and actually picking up the books will confirm that I suppose.

The big issue I’m having right now, though, is my eating disorder. Almost right after the trauma of the death I developed anorexia. Then a year later, bulimia. I was never at peace with the disease and tried very hard to kick it. In the end, working on a very strict farm overseas provided enough distraction and eating routine that I was able to control my symptoms when I began at university 2 years ago. My symptoms of binge/(restrict or purge) were mild but never fully went away. That soon grew into anorexia again once I was in control of what I was eating again… Went to outpatient treatment which I didn’t find very helpful, and a year later I somewhat normalized. And now, you guessed it, I’m back into the bulimic binge/restrict cycle (leaning towards BED). I have HUGE ups and downs in life on a weekly basis, and it seems to have to do with if I’m “on or off the wagon” of healthy lifestyle. When things are going well, I feel on fire and amazing but it only lasts about a week until I slip up. Ideally, I want to not worry about my food intake, exercise to my heart’s desire, and stop investing in food and instead invest in healthy relationships and a fulfilling life. Usually, I will turn to food if I’m stressed (frequently these days) and I believe what I hear about addictions being an addict’s sad substitute for connections with other human beings.

I’m upset, I’m scared, and I know I want to start aligning my daily lifestyle with what I truly value in life.
I’m enrolled in a course that would make it difficult to take time off to get treatment. I also don’t necessarily agree with the idea of treatment anyways as I feel that would be more isolating than helpful at this point. My feelings are that I should develop a healthy daily routine, not extremely demanding but something I could be strict about sticking to every day, and work on sitting through the bad emotions and feeling them rather than (literally) stuffing them with food. I’ve tried so hard and so long to fight this eating disorder that I’m extremely frustrated and discouraged right now. I know this is seriously diminishing what I can get out of life, and now that I’ve been so close to recovering for so long I know what it feels like to be out of the eating disorder cage and… I desperately want out. I’m finally getting somewhere with friends, with my passions, hobbies, dreams, and I can’t let this bring me down, I just can’t. It feels like such a huge problem and I wish I had help where I am right now (no family nearby and prefer not to discuss it with friends).

I’m sorry for the long, heavy post. I was wondering if anyone had any practical advice. Thank you.