Hi there. I find myself going to these forums a lot to look for advice that has been given to people in similar situations as me, but I figured at this point I might as well write my own. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. We both grew up in the same place, and now we go to college in the same city, but at separate universities about 40 minutes away. He is a year ahead of me in school, and we met my junior year and his senior year of high school through a mutual friend. We have had some struggles in the past but overall have been very very in love with each other, especially up until our one year and seven month mark this past January. The start of our spring semester of college wasn’t easy. He and I were both quite busy, and I felt like I was trying so hard to talk to and see him through that, but he wasn’t reciprocating. There was a night where I felt so sad and frustrated because we just weren’t seeing each other as much, and I felt that I wasn’t getting enough affection, so I told him that I’d felt like the long distance relationship we were in my senior year of high school while he was in college felt easier than those few weeks. Sorry. Big sentence there. Anyway. We talked things out on the phone, but I still felt insecure. During that time, I also was interested in going to a party, as I had never gone to any college or high school parties at that point. I’d convinced him to come with me to one and help drive my friends since he had a car, and I was so so excited that I would be able to experience my first college party with my boyfriend, so I could feel safe and happy. When he arrived to pick me up though, he started crying in the front seat of the car, and began to tell me how much I’d hurt him when I said that long distance felt easier than that time, because the distance was really hard on him. I was so sad that I’d hurt him like that, and I never imagined that something I’d said like that would do so much. Again, we talked it out and we hugged and cried and I thought things were doing okay. Later, we drove around to the parties trying to find one, and it was just a mess because we were up late and didn’t end up finding one. I felt so bad that I’d made him drive all around, just to end up wasting gas and not finding somewhere to hang out. We were possibly going to see each other the next day, but at that point he said he was tired and it would be best for him if he stayed home, which I was sad about but I understood. The next day, my friends and I found out about a for sure party, and I decided to go because I just wanted to have fun and forget about all the stuff that I was insecure about with my boyfriend and I. We went and I got drunk, but I didn’t do anything stupid with guys, and my friends were good about protecting me even though some weird people came up to talk to me. I would never want to do anything unfaithful, because I love my boyfriend beyond words. Anyway, when I came home that night, I felt really sad and made the mistake of FaceTiming him when I was drunk. I started blabbing on about how I was so upset and sad that he wasn’t at the party, and how he should have been there to protect me, and it was just a big messy regret of a FaceTime. The next day I made things worse by bringing up jealousy in a way I did not want to. I just wanted affirmation from him that he still loves and cares about me, but my stupid brain used the word jealousy to describe how I wished he wanted me more. I said I wanted him to be jealous, which is  not true, and we both know that jealousy is not healthy for a relationship. He got pretty upset at my bringing that up, and we both ended facetime again unhappy and frustrated. The next day though, we agreed he’d come over to my campus and we’d spend some much needed time together to eat and go bowling, since it had been a while since we had just had some alone time. I was ready to talk things out and apologize for how I had acted. I was eager to see his car pull up at the entrance, and I got in and we pulled into the parking garage. As soon as we parked though, I could tell something was wrong. He began talking and saying things that I have at this point tried to forget in order to help myself continue to heal, but he just started breaking up with me. Saying we weren’t right for each other, that he didn’t love me the same anymore, and that we had different views on things (this was in regards to the jealousy situation, which I’m so frustrated about still because it was all my fault for not being able to communicate what I wanted to). At that point, I was crying hysterically and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so blindsided because I believe that our love can overcome anything, and that this was just something we needed to talk out. But we never even got a chance to talk in person before he made his decision. Later that night, he agreed we could talk on facetime the next day to talk about things to get me some closure.
The next was soo hard for me. It was a Wednesday that I had classes, and I could barely keep myself from crying. I talked to his friend later that day just to get some insight about how all this happened maybe, and he really only told me that my boyfriend had been mentioning some unhappiness for a little while, and that at this point I shouldn’t have big expectations for that FaceTime, which broke my heart. Also keep in mind, Valentine’s Day was that Friday and we had both already made fun plans and gotten gifts for each other, so this was maybe the worst week for this to go down. That night, we got on FaceTime and I began reading a long paragraph that I’d written up. It wasn’t begging for him back, it was just me explaining with my heart how I felt about everything that I’d said or done lately, and asking for one day that we could talk things out and look back at everything that has been going on. And to my complete shock, he agreed, and started apologizing. He started saying that he didn’t mean a lot of the things he said, and that he still loved me same. He basically said that things had been getting so hard those past few weeks that at that point, he couldn’t see himself getting through it, so he broke up with me and said those things to make it easier on himself.
Skipping forward a bit, we saw eachother and talked things out in person, and we both told each other how much we loved each other, and that we were ready for a fresh start. It felt weirdly normal after being completely heart broken for a couple days. Anyway, now here I am over a month later and I’m still really struggling mentally. I’m anxious about our relationship and what hes thinking all the time. I’m scared and angry because I’m feeling and thinking all these negative thoughts, which I wouldn’t even have to think of he had just talked to me instead of breaking my heart for a day unnecessarily. I’m mad at him for that but I know that there is nothing we can do about what happened at this point. I just don’t know how to shake these negative feelings. I am now back at home because of the coronavirus, and he is still at school because he has a house by his campus. I just want him to come home but I can’t help feel like he doesn’t want to come see me. He says he loves and misses me but I am just constantly feeling insecurity and anxiety ever since the break up and make up situation. Things have changed and I hate to admit that, but it’s like they have only changed on my side. I feel different and sad and frustrated about my insecurities, and Angry that none of this even needed to happen if we just communicated before he chose to dump me and get back together. Do I bring up how I’m feeling to him and how I’m still hurting from all of that? I just don’t want to scare him away. Having my heart broken was the worst feeling in the world, and even though he is back in my life I have not fully healed. I could just use some help and insight really. Sorry if all this didn’t make much sense. Anyway, any advice to help me out with not feeling so anxious about us would really mean a lot.