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Dysfunctional Family Members

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  • #285267
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    ok so what does it mean when a toxic family member also plays a big role in your support system? for example, any time my mother needs assistance with her daughter, her toxic mother is the first person she usually runs to for help. I notice she has gotten complacent with the mistreatment of her mother because she depends on her for a lot of things. She doesn’t set boundaries with her mom. She will complain a GREAT DEAL about her dysfunction and then on another hand puts her on a pedestal because she helps her out. Is this a form of codependency?? I don’t understand why my mother comes to me with all her frustrations and anguish about the dysfunctional patterns in her family but she and her mother never make the effort to find a resolution. this cycle has been repeating itself over and over throughout my childhood and into adulthood and it’s definitely done it’s damage. People are tired and frustrated. Honestly, I could care less wether they find a resolution at this point. I just don’t want to be as codependent as my mother is. I don’t want to be so dependent on someone who is toxic and keeps doing the same things over and over. The adults in my family have a great deal of pride and they say our generation is problematic.

    her mother (my grandmother) will even call me when the two of them have an argument and honestly, it’s not that i dont care I just find it extremely silly that they do this. they put people in the middle instead of trying to fix it themselves and it pisses me off because THEY’E THE ADULTS. THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE SETTING AN EXAMPLE. Instead they’re pushing the youth away and making them resent their childish behavior.

    On the flip side, When my mom has an issue with me she’ll run to my grandmother to sabotage my side of the story making me feel isolated so I really have just gotten more distant from everyone because no one cares to ever get my perspective on things. No one ever asks how I feel about anything. I’m just supposed to shut up and accept my it for what it is.. my feelings have always been swept under the rug and now that I’m older and gaining a sense of confidence to speak out about it, I just dont understand why they dont see how dysfunctional their behavior is and have the audacity to wonder why people distance themselves.

     

    I have decided to set a boundary by distancing myself emotionally. I still physically live with my mother but I plan to tell her that I no longer wish to hear anything else about her side of them family that’s negative cause I know the outcome. She’s not gonna do anything about it but continue to run behind them so she can complain again. I don’t want to be bothered with it anymore. My grandmother has also been calling me but I dont feel any desire to speak with her right now. I’m trying to focus on transitioning into school which starts Apr 8th..get a job and move out.  Does anyone have any advice on how I can avoid being like my mother in this situation? I don’t want to become dependent on someone who is toxic.  Or how I can set firm boundaries so this cycle wont continue? I know until I move out there’s only so much I can do

     

    They dont realize I’m not a child anymore. I have my own life to live.

    #285329
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ariana:

    Using your word, toxic, your mother and grandmother are toxic. Your mother is toxic by using you to vent about her mother and in so doing dumping her distress on you and feeling relieved and calmer as a result, and your grandmother is doing the same when she calls you.

    What each one of them is doing is using you so to relieve their tension and continue their dysfunctional relationship, getting distressed again and again, dump it on you and repeat.

    “They don’t realize I’m not a child anymore”- they shouldn’t use you to rid their distress by dumping it on you now and shouldn’t have done it when you were a child, it is worse to do  it to a  child than it is to do  it to an adult.

    “how can I set firm boundaries so this cycle won’t continue?”-

    -don’t do what they do, dumping your distress on someone else, a third person not involved in a particular conflict. Instead resolve the conflict with the person involved.

    Moving out is an excellent idea.

    anita

    #285439
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ariana,

    It sounds like you’re already handling this super well, honestly.

    Use The Broken Record Technique: Say the exact same thing when they do this. i.e. “I’m staying out of it, go talk with each other”. If you unfailingly do this, say, 132 times, on the 133rd/ time they will move on and you will have broken the dynamic. As far as you’re concerned, at least. The trick is to be utterly boring with that one phrase.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #285471
    nycartist
    Participant

    I wanted to say 2 things:

    1) I can TOTALLY relate to this. I posted earlier (Toxic Family Member), and deal with this same dynamic between my mother and uncle. What I can say is that removing myself from the situation has helped immensely. I at first felt a lot of guilt because basically distancing yourself from a family member feels terrible, as we are taught that family is supposed to be there for us above everyone else. But that concept isn’t really healthy when it’s a family member that is causing you distress. You need to care for yourself and make your own mental health a priority. I think moving out would be the best solution.

    2) Inky, I love your comment! I wish I had seen that 5 months ago when the sh#t was hitting the fan with my family. I wish I had thought to try that. I think that is such awesome advice.

     

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