Embracing Fear and Grief

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    Until now I have been burdened in this life by infrequent, but intense bursts of rage and anger. I spent much time and energy constantly vigilant for this dragon that seemed to rise up out of the depths of my psyche.

    I believed that something was wrong with me. That I lacked control. That I was broken beyond repair.

    Again and again I resolved, “Never again will I spill this rage.” Again and again some trivial event would trigger a reaction out of proportion to the stimulus.

    Finally, after 30 years my mate had had enough and I separated from my wife and family. I had long periods of being a loving husband and father, providing for them, caring for them, being in communion with them.

    The rage would spill, the trust broken and I would begin again.

    Finally, through intensive energy work, I began to understand that my belief that I was broken was allowing this behavior to stay rooted.

    Me, my essential, Divine core is a being of pure light. This rageful parasitic component is not me.

    The grief of leaving my home nearly overwhelmed me. This beast within came up to feed on the grief and fear.

    Instead of pushing these intense emotions away, instead I dove into the cesspool for almost 24 hours. I felt like Gandalf fighting the Balrog in Lord of the Rings. Wrestling with this beast something happened.

    At the emotions rolled through I began to witness them in a new way. I began to breathe in the realization that my identification with these emotions was fiction. I began to watch them surface and return to the depth. Over and over I began to be present to them.

    I started to find myself in a state of presence while the pain was felt. From the core of me a calmness began to walk with the pain.

    I don’t know how this happened. I don’t think I can teach it. I am writing this hear for someone anyone who finds themselves in a state of despair. By reading this you may find a clue to your own salvation.

    Since that ‘dark night of the soul’ as one of my friends called it, I have had periods where the grief and pain resurfaces. I allow them to pour forth unencumbered, the witness still holding the vessel they pour from.

    I have been triggered and the dragon rises up still. Now it is different. I know that that rage and dysfunction, the addiction to the adrenalin rush that ensues is not me. This dis-identification allows me to say “Oh I remember this, I can choose not to give this any energy.” Embracing it, recognizing it, acknowledging it, this dragon loses its form and become a handful of sand that drifts harmlessly to the beach.

    It had been 2 years since my marathon wrestling match. During that time I have had no volcanic eruptions of rage and anger. My children have noticed the change and have commented on how calm I seem now.

    So I write this here in this forum, knowing that writing about my experience may give hope to someone else, but also solidifies my trust in the power of the present moment to transform and bring more love into the world.



    Thanks for the insight. I have a boyfriend who is exactly the same and I cant put up with it any longer. Controlling and demanding he even this he owns my car when I’m not driving it. I let him use it but he has gotten to comfortable and now go and come as he please without notifying me of his were abouts. At first he show some sign of it but not as much. Now its all out and really pushing me away. So far I haven’t said anything yet to care of it since I want him nice and comfortable before I strike. I know he anger is from being used and take advantage of. But also he feels his voice needs to be heard since in the past it hasn’t and he was never paid any attention too. I told him once that he should be that way with me and I’m like other people. He doesn’t get it nor did he break his cycle. Do you think he can do (if willing) what you have done?



    Yes, I think that this is something that anyone can do. I too felt unheard and unacknowledged.

    Funny thing though. When I started focus on the Divine me and dis-identify with the angry me I found that I felt acknowledged and heard. I started doing this for myself. I no longer had to be angry at the world that was doing this ‘to me.’

    I made a commitment to change because I wanted to. I also got a really good therapist who didn’t let me deceive myself.

    The most important words in your post are in parenthesis. (if willing)

    The process continues for me. My oldest graduated from High School on Saturday. We had a party and I was challenged by ‘my wife’s friends’ that used to be ‘our friends’ would no longer talk to me. I guess I just have more internal resources now and am doing a better job of facing this stuff as it comes up. Life skills I guess. Just being preset to the emotions as they arise and not judging them or myself.

    Peace, Jerry

    Brenda Smiles

    Thank you Jerry for sharing. I have always felt this rage too. I didn’t recognize it as grief and fear
    but that is exactly what it is, a long with a disease to please. I can see it now. I can understand.
    I am willing to make an effort to change. I have the book The Power of Now, I read this far and
    kind of got stuck. Stuck in my own pain. I never believed I mattered. It is time to claim it.
    I want to do it because I want to do it. Not because someone is manipulating me into doing it.
    I am tired of being manipulated and controlled. I am always reacting because this is happening.
    And I have been thinking lately, I don’t have to give up my power to choose my own actions and
    reactions. I don’t have to give anyone control over me. This is exactly where I am. I prayed
    before I coincidently joined this forum today. Namaste.



    Hi Brenda,

    It seems that you are standing on the edge of a great discovery about yourself. What follows popped up when reading your post.

    Sharing this is potent medicine. Claim your power. Yes!

    Be gentle with yourself.

    Much of the controlling thoughts and behaviors were imposed on us when we were small. Be patient with the process. We spent a lot of time and energy installing those errant thoughts.

    Look in a mirror and say hello to and affirm your Divinity.

    If you find judgement in your thoughts, critical thoughts, take a breath and say ‘ I am a Diving being of light’ or some such phrase to redirect the mind.

    Thank you for your vulnerability sharing your journey here.


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