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Emotional dilemma

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  • April 15, 2017 at 8:11 am #145219
    Confused
    Participant

    I am feeling pretty conflicted with my current love life. I meet a guy (guy a) when I was studying and we hit things off pretty well, it wasn’t until I left that student placement I realised he was in a relationship. Over time we kept in contact through email, Skype, text and occasional catch up and just talk for hours if we where ever in the same place. At this time I turned down the offer to get our own place together more because I was scared of the commitment, so his response was to make a 5yr plan that once 5 yrs was up we would reevaluate “us”.

    During the last 4 and a half years life happend, he moved to the other side of the country and had 2 kids both times I didn’t find out from him, instead a mutual friend. When I confronted him he said it was because he didn’t know how to tell me and didn’t want to ruin what we had. We stayed in contact over that time aswell but I found it to be  hot and cold. Sometimes I would get no response the other times we talk like a house on fire.

    i eventually started to date someone (guy b) for 3 yrs but have recently broken up with them because we drifted apart and wanted different things for our future. Now guy a has been trying to get into contact with me as he has broken up with his ex.

    I just don’t know what to do. When things are cold between us I feel like I’m getting played but then when things are good I get all “lovey dovey”

    April 15, 2017 at 8:33 am #145227
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sasha:

    Since the relationship with guy b ended, your emotional dilemma: is guy a or not?

    The easy answer is: avail yourself to guy c. It is the easy answer for me to state, and probably for many who may read your post, but not for you, correct?

    Because you have the experience of the “lovey dovey” “house on fire” communications with guy a, over a few years (on and off). So you have this subjective experience and it triggers your hunger for more of that experience, with him. Am I correct?

    If so, if your hunger or motivation is for more of that “lovey dovey… house of fire” communications with guy a, you do realize, don’t you, that you will also be getting more of his other behaviors: going cold, another woman or other women in his life, maybe more children with other women. And if he neglects his existing children, he is likely to neglect a child that you will have with him, if you do.

    Are you willing to accept all his behaviors into your life?

    anita

    April 15, 2017 at 4:50 pm #145287
    Confused
    Participant

    The emotional dilemma is with guy a. I think my conflict comes with that I am not able to enjoy what I have at present because when I do have contact with him I find it hard to enjoy what I have and tend to want something I don’t have.

    I think it is easy to say guy c is the solution but it’s harder for me to move on from guy a. Yes spot on with that hunger for the same feelings. I guess that the thought of other women and more children is a fear when he is in my life.

    i honestly don’t think I could accept his behaviours is we ended up in a relationship cause it would feel like a partnership. The silly side of me would like to think none of that would happen but I do have to look at his past behaviours and think if he did value me then why does he treat me the way he does.

    how do I allow myself to move on without wanting that hunger?

    April 16, 2017 at 9:21 am #145333
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Confused:

    Your question is how to move on from guy a without that hunger (for more of the good time you had with him)?

    I believe you can’ t move on WITHOUT that hunger. You have to move on with that hunger. Because the hunger for love will stay with you, probably for as long as you live. The question is, what man can satisfy that hunger?

    That hunger can be satisfied by a decent man, a man you can trust to love you on a consistent basis, not sometimes, in between unloving behaviors.

    I think the reason you are confused (your user name), is because part of you knows guy a is not the consistently loving man that you need, but the other part of you hopes that he is, because of his sometimes-loving-ways.

    Almost every human being who exhibits unloving behaviors, is sometimes loving: sometimes, in between the unloving behaviors. That is not good enough to make a healthy relationship.

    You can move on with the hunger, endure that hunger, it was always there and you survived it. Accept it and evaluate the next man: is he consistently loving; is he able and willing to be consistently loving? Make the “C” in “guy c” stand for Consistently-loving.

    anita

    April 17, 2017 at 12:58 am #145395
    Confused
    Participant

    Thank you for the words of wisdom x

    April 17, 2017 at 6:23 am #145421
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Confused. Post anytime.

    anita

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