I was dumped by my boyfriend in April and have since been struggling despite us having only been together for 5 months. Despite earlier relationships, including one for over 10 years, he was the first person I’d ever really fallen in love with. He was the first person I’d been with who loved the same activities I loved, made me laugh and made me feel special.

We broke up as we lived over 200 miles apart and he couldn’t cope with a long distance relationship and didn’t want to move due to personal needs to live where he lives which has taken me a while but I do accept. At the time we broke up I said I didn’t want to move as I loved where I live.
We tried to remain friends, which has only made it hard on us both and due to us living so far apart communication has been via emails. Which is tough to try to say what you mean without it being misinterpreted, wanting to say so much in so few words. But I couldn’t have spoken to him as he was out of the country for some of the time and I would have just ended up in tears anyway.

I have really struggled during this period because I felt so strongly about him and for the first time in my life thought I could see myself living with and marrying him. Having had so long to stew on this I’ve also realised I don’t really want to live where I live (for the first time in a long time I’m single and feel really isolated where I am) so I could have move to be with him. A decision it seems I’ve made too late as he’s closed off opportunities to be together. I recently suggested moving to find work, as I really also want a new job, and he didn’t sound at all excited about us being closer together. But I know that is his way of preventing himself getting hurt and trying to move on.
I’m completely lost.
I miss him terribly. But having been doing mindful meditation I know that as much as I miss him as a person and miss everything we had together, I also miss having someone who cared about me in a way that no-one else in my life ever has. I am close to my parents but realise through all my tears recently that mum and dad are more of a control freak (in different ways) than caring which is probably why I crave my ex’s hugs so much.

I have very good friends who have been angels but don’t live in my town (we’re not too far apart) but I do feel alone a lot, although I’m making an exceptional effort to be out more to not be alone.
I really need to change jobs as I feel stuck and unhappy where I am, but having thought for a short while about moving to be near my ex I had applied for lots of jobs down near him and whilst I have potential interviews I’m not sure that’s what I want. I want to move 200 miles from my friends and end up totally alone, it was worth it there was a chance of us being together. I have applied for jobs closer to home too.
Not really knowing what the hell I want or what will make me happy I also applied for short international volunteering role and having been offered it I’m now unsure if its what I want either. Is it worth it if I have to come back to my crap old job/life? I can’t afford to take a year out or anything as I have a mortgage and renting out my home won’t completely pay the bills.

I feel completely incapable of making a decision about anything as I can’t get past feeling alone, abandoned by someone I love, and not knowing how to be happy.
I’ve had all sorts of advice from friends – from taking time off work to travel, to going part time so i can find out what I want to do…
I’m open to any advice anyone can give me to help me make a decision.