emotionally stuck since we split

HomeForumsRelationshipsemotionally stuck since we split

New Reply
Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)
  • Author
  • #58987

    I was dumped by my boyfriend in April and have since been struggling despite us having only been together for 5 months. Despite earlier relationships, including one for over 10 years, he was the first person I’d ever really fallen in love with. He was the first person I’d been with who loved the same activities I loved, made me laugh and made me feel special.

    We broke up as we lived over 200 miles apart and he couldn’t cope with a long distance relationship and didn’t want to move due to personal needs to live where he lives which has taken me a while but I do accept. At the time we broke up I said I didn’t want to move as I loved where I live.
    We tried to remain friends, which has only made it hard on us both and due to us living so far apart communication has been via emails. Which is tough to try to say what you mean without it being misinterpreted, wanting to say so much in so few words. But I couldn’t have spoken to him as he was out of the country for some of the time and I would have just ended up in tears anyway.

    I have really struggled during this period because I felt so strongly about him and for the first time in my life thought I could see myself living with and marrying him. Having had so long to stew on this I’ve also realised I don’t really want to live where I live (for the first time in a long time I’m single and feel really isolated where I am) so I could have move to be with him. A decision it seems I’ve made too late as he’s closed off opportunities to be together. I recently suggested moving to find work, as I really also want a new job, and he didn’t sound at all excited about us being closer together. But I know that is his way of preventing himself getting hurt and trying to move on.
    I’m completely lost.
    I miss him terribly. But having been doing mindful meditation I know that as much as I miss him as a person and miss everything we had together, I also miss having someone who cared about me in a way that no-one else in my life ever has. I am close to my parents but realise through all my tears recently that mum and dad are more of a control freak (in different ways) than caring which is probably why I crave my ex’s hugs so much.

    I have very good friends who have been angels but don’t live in my town (we’re not too far apart) but I do feel alone a lot, although I’m making an exceptional effort to be out more to not be alone.
    I really need to change jobs as I feel stuck and unhappy where I am, but having thought for a short while about moving to be near my ex I had applied for lots of jobs down near him and whilst I have potential interviews I’m not sure that’s what I want. I want to move 200 miles from my friends and end up totally alone, it was worth it there was a chance of us being together. I have applied for jobs closer to home too.
    Not really knowing what the hell I want or what will make me happy I also applied for short international volunteering role and having been offered it I’m now unsure if its what I want either. Is it worth it if I have to come back to my crap old job/life? I can’t afford to take a year out or anything as I have a mortgage and renting out my home won’t completely pay the bills.

    I feel completely incapable of making a decision about anything as I can’t get past feeling alone, abandoned by someone I love, and not knowing how to be happy.
    I’ve had all sorts of advice from friends – from taking time off work to travel, to going part time so i can find out what I want to do…
    I’m open to any advice anyone can give me to help me make a decision.


    I’ve literally just registered to be able to reply to your post, and hope this helps though I am definitely no expert. I’m relatively new to the Tiny Buddha world but felt like I wanted to reach out as I recognise myself from a few years ago in what you’re saying.

    More than anything I think you sound really scared right now, which is probably leading to you feeling so stuck. And there is no worse feeling than that. The thing is that it’s the fear that causes you to be stuck, not the actual event or situation itself. I get the feeling that you’re currently in a bit of a panic and you’re putting a lot of things out there out of fear, either with your ex or your job or whatever, so that you don’t have to feel so awful right now. The thing that I’ve realised over the last few months is that the more you try and hide from your pain, the worse it will feel. If you try and force your way to feeling better and so bypass the pain you unfortunately only tend to intensify it.

    My suggestion would be that instead of trying to outrun your pain, just let it be without trying to analyse it or judge it. Allow it to be and give it the space and compassion to run its natural course. It will feel awful, but if you don’t fight it the pain will subside. And then simply breathe. You don’t have to have this figured out right now. The only thing you need know is that the power to be happy is inside of you, and no external thing will give this to you if you cannot feel it inside first. That’s what I read into your post more than anything, you’re just looking a way to be happy again.

    Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to feel your pain. I read somewhere recently that when we feel stuck it’s simply life, or the universe or whatever showing you a way for you to grow or a way for you to learn something you need to. Focus on yourself first then you’ll feel stronger and less anxious when it comes to making all these decisions.

    I really hope this helps. Wishing you all the best.


    Thank you Sammykins. Yes I am scared and I’ve always been a confident person so to find that I’m actually scared to be alone also feels ridiculous as while I had a long term relationship previously I’ve lived alone for 7 years. So you think I’d like my own company! And I do, but this whole situation has left me feeling like i’m isolated and totally alone, so you’re right I think I’m putting myself under pressure to make decisions to change that in order to find happiness. I haven’t worked out how to just be, or to find myself.
    Thank you for your kind words, it means a lot to me. x

Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.