Dear Elena:

Welcome to the forums! You shared that you had a ten-year relationship, approximately from the time you were 21 to 31. Six months ago, approximately in September 2021, he broke up with you, saying that he “wanted to explore other options“, and he indeed explored right after breaking up with you, dating another woman. Devastated, over the course of a few months, you “started a new life“: you moved, enjoyed a new freedom, did a lot of “personal work to become my new better version“, and as a result, you were “radiating with happiness“.

You then met a guy in a club, ten years older than you (41). He told you that he’s been divorced for a year and a half and has a 5-year-old kid. Your intent was to have “a one-night stand… to spend a fun night… I only wanted to have fun“. He on the other hand, seems “very romantic“, and told y0u on that first night: “where were you all this time“?

The next day, he texted you that he wanted to see you.  Still “not looking for a serious relationship“, you met him again: “He brought me wine, we talked for hours, we had amazing sex, and talked more and so on… I caught him looking at me smiling like a little boy, and when I asked him, he said I was very beautiful“.

The third date was “absolutely amazing, we had so much chemistry and connection, we were talking and laughing, and it was just perfect, I could see a melancholy in his eyes. But it was also clear to me that he liked me a lot…it was crystal clear that he started feeling something… and so did I“.

The day after the third date, he called you crying, saying, over the phone, that he “has to be sincere“, that he really liked you and had a strong connection with you in a short time, but he is not over his divorce, and “he doesn’t believe in love anymore, and he doesn’t think he will ever have a partner again“, and better say it all now because “it’s easier now that it´s early“.

Fast forward a few days, and you “do miss him already… I am confused, I really saw it in his eyes that he was interested…and in his actions as well. I am thinking to give him the space he wanted for a while…a month maybe? Maybe he will miss me and contact me… However, I don´t want to make a fool of myself by waiting while he goes around sleeping with women“.

And now, my thoughts: it is too easy for a woman in the situation you described to feel much empathy for that little melancholic boy you saw in his eyes (“I caught him looking at me smiling like a little boy... I could see a melancholy in his eyes“) and think something like- this sad boy loves me; this sad boy needs me! I want to help this little sad boy and make him happy! I want to give this boy what he wants and needs (my love). The man part of him is scared to get hurt again, but if I give him space, maybe he will relax and get back to me

But what is REALLY happening?

The following is a likely possibility: he wants a woman’s, or women’s love and admiration. He wants a woman to want him and chase him and look up to him. From his experience (and likely not a result of a cold-hearted calculation and planning), he learned that women really like him and want him if he wins them over with words, food, wine, an offer to help her around the house (“it also sparked his ‘hero’ instinct as he wanted to help me with some things around the house etc.“), and with that boyish smile. So, he did all of that and succeeded: you now miss him and want him. So, he got what he wanted, and he withdrew, knowing that he can have you when he wants you.

You wrote: “he was really showing signs that this was more than a booty call thing” – at first, you wanted a one-night stand, but he wanted to have more than a singular one-night stand, I figure. He wanted you to be at his call for future one-night stands. He showed you signs that it is more than a booty call thing for the purpose of… having a series of booty calls with you, as needed.

“I am thinking maybe the no contact rule for a short time will help…?” – if my current understanding is correct, you are now caught in his web, like a fly in a spider’s web.

But what if I am wrong, what if the little boy in him really needs you and your love… what if he needs you to get through the scared man’s barrier and rescue that little boy, give him the love that he needs?

My answer to my own question: there really is a little boy in every man, even in the most hardened of men, but often that boy is trapped in the man, never to be allowed out and you can’t make it happen! No one can. You are not his mother, and he is not really a child. So, you don’t have that kind of power.

My suggestion: If you settle into the spider web, and find yourself trapped in it for too long, you will lose the happiness you mentioned (“radiating with happiness“), and reverse the personal work you’ve done to become your “new better version“. Free yourself, Flap your wings and Fly away. Don’t wait for him and don’t chase him.

If he initiates contact with you (and I suspect he will, for the purpose of another one-night stand), don’t accommodate him. Instead, sit with him in a coffee shop (no wine!) and talk. Don’t tell him that you are interested in an exclusive, serious relationship with him; let him tell you that. And if he says that, keep talking. Talk about his marriage and divorce, his relationship with his ex-wife and so on. Get to know him.

anita

How are you, Elena?

anita