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Empath living among closed minded family

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  • #173069
    Raven
    Participant

    Hello~

    I’ll try to bring everything up to speed…7 years I was with my boyfriend. We went through it all: losing jobs, mental/emotional abuse/growing pains, becoming pregnant/losing the child, severe family intrusion (his family), copious drinking on his side that evolved into a DUI. After many promises, that were never kept, continuous drinking, and being around him and his emotionally sucking vampire-family, I finally HAD ENOUGH. I was lonely, so I cheated. I didn’t seek out sex initially, but of course the tryst evolved into such. I felt bad when my boyfriend found out because of HOW he found out – and it embarrassed him. All around crappy situation – which ended. Today, over a year and half later, my same boyfriend of 7 years and I decided to marry. We recognize we both fell on our faces – HARD. And it was up to ourselves to put on our bootstraps and make sh*t right again – as best as we could. I went back to school FT for a completely different career, he is doing a lot better in his career and doesn’t drink nearly at all. There is no more lying, sneaking, or bs’ing each other. Well, almost…

    I am sad. Even more than before. My (now) husband’s family still sucks my spirit and soul dry, whether I am near or far from them. I am tired of repeating this crap, but I feel lost, stuck, alone, without a voice, like I do not matter, and overall low emotionally. I’ve known my spouse and his family most of my life and I am “not the one” – according to them. After 8 years, I’ve received 2 “happy birthday” text messages. Every year, we celebrate everyone’s birthday (sometimes twice), via dinner, parties, etc etc. I am aware that I have several nicknames, courtesy of my MIL: leech, dumb, trash, garbage, b*tch, chicken-sh*t, fly in the sugar bowl, nothing, manipulator, immoral, dumb-donuts, stupid, liar, hypocrite, Godless. I have attempted suicide and starved myself in the past. I am worried because the once gone self-loathing and deprecating negative talk is returning even worse than before. I have written emails (letters), sent texts to BOTH of my spouses parents to try and connect. I respond like an adult when spoken to, and I more than cordial, and I fear it’s an easy “in” for his Mother to be even worse to me. I am constantly torn which way to go: Be vulnerable and honest with them to be able to “walk through a new door” OR shut that door because it’ll slam in my face like it has ALWAYS done in the past.

    When I said I felt bad about how my Husband found out about me cheating – this is true. And crappy of me, I know I know. No need to tell me – I know. But, I finally felt FREE from being left behind, forgotten, ridiculed, laughed about/at by his Mom (mostly), his sibling, his friends, even him occasionally. I was tired of being ostracized for not being a “child of God” (I am Catholic – therefore my family and I are backwards heathens according to his Christian family). When I do/did good, it was looked over and ignored completely, if I did bad, it was the end of the world and he should get rid of “that leech!” All of this mental, spiritual, emotional abuse drained me and I wanted to take my life. It hurt MY family because they could see and hear this nonsense but wouldn’t step up and speak because they know me to be frank, strong, independent but private too. I understand them doing so. However, 8 years, and the SAME OLE’ CRAP is STILL happening.

    I want to leave – for good. I think about divorce – a lot. He would hate me. But, I hate me. I was finally emotionally free over a year ago. I was moving to another state, I chose a different avenue in work, I was finally truly HAPPY!! But, I decided to come back and I feel dull, vanilla, fake, a shell of a shell of a shell. I have tried a counselor, medications, journaling, fervent exercise to exhaust my brain, my heart and my body. But, at the end of the day, the tears are ready to fall. I cried for almost 7 years, finally grew a pair (yes, from a bad experience/choice) and set myself free. I turned my brain back on!! Found my spine – and I stopped crying. What a relief that was!!!

    I do not know who to talk to or even if it’s worse sharing here. But, I do know there is something that needs to GET OUT. I feel suffocated. My head pounds and the tears are pushed out – unwillingly. I do not share this with my husband because he gets angry and it hurts him. So, I share it here.

    This is lengthy, I apologize.

    “Raven”

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Raven.
    • This topic was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Raven.
    #173147
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Raven:

    You wrote: “Be vulnerable and honest with them to be able to “walk through a new door” OR shut that door because it’ll slam in my face like it has ALWAYS done in the past”-

    my answer: shut that door.

    Meaning, your contact with his family members who continue their abuse of you must end. If your husband refuses to make such ending possible for you, then the door needs to be shut at him as well, that is, separate and divorce.

    A marriage where one spouse operates against the well being of the other, repeatedly, refusing to consider a solution, an ending to ongoing emotional damage to the other is… not only not worth keeping, but it is well worth ending.

    anita

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