fbpx
Menu

Empathy for the Abuser:

Home→Forums→Relationships→Empathy for the Abuser:

New Reply
Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • September 28, 2015 at 1:26 pm #84316
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I often read about empathy.

    Is there any benefit for an abused person to feel empathy for the person abusing him/ her: is there a benefit for the abused to understand the suffering of the abuser?

    anita

    September 28, 2015 at 2:49 pm #84336
    jock
    Participant

    Guess I’ve been brainwashed by Christianity and Buddhism.
    “forgive them they know not what they do” and
    “wish goodwill on everyone including your abusers”

    but what you’ve said recently makes me think twice, even change my mind.
    I just think “hate” gives away your power. But I know you don’t mean that either.

    September 28, 2015 at 2:52 pm #84337
    jock
    Participant

    I think there is a benefit if the abuse has finished a long time ago. Forgiveness helps us heal. Dalai Lama talks about “equanimity” which is different to empathy I admit.

    September 28, 2015 at 3:00 pm #84338
    Chris
    Participant

    I think empathy is essential for forgiveness. We forgive, not for the benefit of the abuser, but to free ourselves. It helps to try to understand the “why” behind actions. But empathy should not be confused with tolerance. Abuse, on any level, is wrong and never excusable.

    September 28, 2015 at 5:58 pm #84347
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jack and Chris: Thank you for your comments.

    My answer to my own question: When a person is mistreating me, hurting me repeatedly, it is okay for me to feel hurt for being abused and it is okay for me to feel anger at the abuser. Not only is it okay, it is natural and will happen naturally. The anger naturally occurs when abused so that the abused will be motivated to fight or flee the abuser.

    But there is a place for empathy when abused, temporarily: when TRAPPED in an abusive situation, if the abused feels empathy for the abuser and acts with affection toward the abuser, then the abused is maximizing the chances of survival because the abuser may respond positively to the affection by the abused. (This is what Stockholm Syndrome is about, from online: “Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.”)

    Now, when not trapped but abused, there is no benefit to empathy for the abuser. such empathy is a PERVERSION of nature. Once the abuse is over, and no action on the matter is beneficial, there is no benefit for active, ongoing anger either: it keeps the person distressed.

    Once abuse is over and no action is required or beneficial, then anger should be relaxed. Empathy for past abusers- when no correction has been made on their part to the satisfaction of the abused- is a PERVERSION of nature. Such forgiveness is for saints, and I don’t believe in saints.

    anita

    October 19, 2015 at 10:45 am #85653
    Maya
    Participant

    hi Anita
    no need to re live t past
    thr is no right n wrong…
    right n wrong co-exists.
    ur asking for justification.but sadly we r responsible for what happens to us.
    dont bother abt t abuser…instead concentrate on your well being.
    but its important for u to let go n forgive the abuser in order to get out of situations(bcoz they replay in ur mind till u forgive)
    i understand its difficult..but not impossible
    it takes too much courage to forgive the abuser.

    October 19, 2015 at 10:53 am #85655
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya:

    You wrote in a post this morning that you were abused by your parents. I assume you forgave them and I assume you are in contact with both parents presently. Is that correct? Did it take your parents acknowledging their abuse of you? Adequately addressing their past abuse of you and correcting their behavior?

    How long has the healing process between you and your parents take before you forgave them and how different is your relationship with them now?

    anita

    October 21, 2015 at 9:07 am #85783
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think empathy for the abusers helps the forgiveness process but the anger is still allowed to be there.
    I understand why my folks were rubbish. I get it and I can see how these circumstances would make people behave that way – but I’m still angry that we had to suffer it. empathy can’t take that away.

    but I think it’s important also to forgive yourself for feeling angry. because using empathy says that if someone else was angry for living the lives we did then we’d forgive them for being angry too, wouldn’t we? so it makes sense that we forgive ourselves for feeling anger. and that helps the healing too. I know the anger is there. I forgive myself for feeling it so it doesn’t ruin my life because I’m not fighting it.

    make sense? probably not. we know me well enough by now haha

    October 29, 2015 at 8:20 am #86367
    Maya
    Participant

    Hi Anita…i still live with my parents..yes they abused me physically(hitting me abt anything n everything n every day too)..mental abuse was too heavy too..but t moment i took charge of my life…life is different ..im more mature now…bcoz i changed….my parents changed looking at t wiser ME…i was extremely angry for the things they did to me as a child n as a teenager…but its possible to excuse n at the same time learn the lessons n not to let it repeat again..because of my parents n my past im still working on my self development(especially on my self worth) 🙂
    Anger was too much on my parents for thr inhuman acts..but in this anger i was burning myself too.
    i thought…its imp to heal myself..let go n be happy.
    i can say i hv changed a LOT in a stronger way n helping out people in a way it changes thr life forever
    it dint happen overnight…but took years to affect my parents in a positive way:)
    Love heals everything. love changes the perception.

    October 29, 2015 at 8:23 am #86368
    Maya
    Participant

    the moment u realise the pain and suffering…Suffering ends…n u no longer be in the same situation fighting against it..loop breaks..
    instead u choose different reality n raise your standard higher:)

    October 29, 2015 at 8:32 am #86370
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maya:

    Love heals everything, you wrote, can you tell me more about what is in that statement for you? You still live with your parents who abused you physically and mentally. When you see them, daily, as you do living with them, do you still sometimes get angry? If you do, what do you say to yourself?

    Did they ever apologize to you, say they realize they hurt you and that they are sorry?

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.