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Ending a Friendship

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #44783
    MindfulMe
    Participant

    Hello,

    I am new to this forum. I am a beginning Buddhist and find myself in a situation where I feel I need to end a friendship. I have come to realize that this particular friendship has too many negative qualities that I have tried to mend in the past but cannot resolve. I want to keep helping this friend but I find that my friend pushes me away or resorts to passive aggressive attacks when I tell her how I feel about her negativity.

    Lately I have tried to slowly ease out of this friendship but am still being contacted, it is as if this friend does not want to let me go. I sense that she still needs me since she tends to be very lonely. What is the best Buddhist way to end a friendship? Am I showing compassion by ignoring her attempts to contact me? Or should I confront her with how I feel, even though she may not want to hear what I have to say?

    Any advice is appreciated.

    #44822
    Sunflower
    Participant

    Is your friend aware of her behavior and how it is negatively affecting you? Has your friend been acting this way for awhile or did she recently encounter some sort of obstacle(s) in her life? Does your friend have a support system she can turn to?

    I think too many people choose to withdraw themselves from people they don’t like or who they feel no longer serves them without an explanation. These days instead of saying, “No” people simply choose not to respond. I think you have the right to say, “No more.” to this friend; however, I think it’s best to offer a simple explanation or suggest that they seek professional guidance, especially if this person matters to you. In light of the recent incidences of mass shootings, I think a number of the perpetrators became so mired in negativity and alienation because they may have found themselves with no one to turn to for emotional support. Consequently, they resorted to violence either towards others or themselves. These are the people who need love the most. Please don’t misinterpret my advice as a reason to continue to hold on to this negative friend, but I think a conversation or at least an email letting them know that you care, where you stand, and suggest that you think they need the kind of help that is beyond your expertise may be a sound approach. You have to decide is this a friend for a reason, season, or a lifetime? Good luck in whatever you decide, but it’s important to put your mental health first. I’ll leave you with his poem:

    Reason, Season, or Lifetime

    People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
    When you figure out which one it is,
    you will know what to do for each person.

    When someone is in your life for a REASON,
    it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
    They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
    to provide you with guidance and support;
    to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
    They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
    They are there for the reason you need them to be.

    Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
    this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
    Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
    Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
    What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
    The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

    Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
    because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
    They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
    They may teach you something you have never done.
    They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
    Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

    LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
    things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
    Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
    and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
    It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

    — Unknown

    #44825
    MindfulMe
    Participant

    Thanks Gemini2u22 for your response. You provided a perspective that I didn’t consider. You’re right too many people dismiss friendships when it doesn’t go their way. It’s a lot harder to be honest and so much easier to just walk away. I’ve communicated my concerns to my friend in the past, but it seems people tend to live in patterns. I’ll try and approach my friend in a more direct but gentle way about our issues and see what happens. At least then I will know that I did all I could to save our friendship.

    #44827
    Sunflower
    Participant

    You’re welcome. I think you’re making a good decision. Hopefully, your friend will understand what you have to say and, together, you’ll be able to save your friendship. It sounds like you care. Peace and blessings!

    #44832
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Your post on ending a friendship struck a nerve within me. Over this past year I have been on the receiving end of rejection. I was a positive person for the most part and a thoughtful friend. But last spring I went through a difficult life experience and became needier than usual. It seemed that my friend just wasn’t there for me. I felt comfortable enough with her that I thought I could voice my disappointment. She responded defensively and the terms of the friendship started to change. As time went on she seemed more aloof than usual. I initially dismissed it thinking I was being too sensitive. But as time went on I continued to feel a detachment on her part. When we would get together(which became more rare) I didn’t feel that sense of connection that I usually feel when I’m with a good friend. I tried talking with her several times about this and she made it pretty clear that she didn’t want to have conversations about our friendship. I also noticed that she seemed to be avoiding me. I’m not a superficial kind of girl and when there’s a problem I feel it should be dealt with. Her actions(or lack of) spoke volumes to me. It became evident that she really didn’t want to be my friend anymore and I recently told her that I realized this. I think that she was trying to gradually let me go in such a way that my feelings wouldn’t be hurt. I’m pretty perceptive, and instead I ended up feeling discarded and deeply hurt. It would have been kinder to have an honest conversation. I thought that I’d mattered to her. I have a very busy life and other good friends so I’m not really lonely-it’s just that she’d become my closest friend. She knew what I’d been through in life and I completely trusted her. I miss the friendship we used to have and wish that she was open to mending it. She ignores my requests to discuss things further.
    I hope that by sharing my story you will see there’s another way. It takes courage but I think you must talk to this friend and not just detach. Even if the friendship can’t continue as it was, you can acknowledge the goodness in each other and wish each other well. Ignoring your friend is not showing compassion;it’s actually damaging to his/her soul. In time, I hope to recover and trust in friendships again.

    #44994
    MindfulMe
    Participant

    Thanks Anonymous for sharing your story. It has helped me to put more perspective on my own friendship. After reading your experience I definitely do not want my friend to feel as if I abandoned or discarded her, which is why I plan to confront her directly about our issues. I am very sorry that your friendship ended the way it did, it’s unfortunate.

    But in my case I have confronted my friend many times about our issues in the past and almost feel as if my confronting her has made her hold grudges against me. I think my being honest with her made her feel angry, yet she hasn’t been able to express this with me so she resorts to passive aggressive comments. I guess in my case it is just a matter of my own personal boundaries, how much negativity can I take from a person who is supposed to be my friend. I think that sometimes people aren’t willing to hear the truth because sometimes they feel as if it is a personal attack against them.

    But this time around I am planning to take a different approach when I confront my friend. Instead of having a one on one conversation with her I am bringing in a mutual friend that we both respect to help us sort out our issues. I am hoping this will resolve our issues but it’s just a matter of whether or not my friend will be open to what I have to say.

    #45008
    Sunflower
    Participant

    I would caution you about bringing in a mutual friend to help you mediate confronting your friend. That may do more harm than good. It has the potential to strain the relationship your mutual friend has with the friend you wish to confront. It may also place that mutual friend in the uncomfortable position of having to take a side, which could cause the friend who is confronted to lose respect for the mutual friend and further erode the respect & trust she has in you. It may also cause the mutual friend to resent you for placing him or her in the middle of this situation.

    Futhermore, the friend who you wish to confront may feel ambushed and attacked, causing her to become very defensive. I’ m not sure that interventions actually work. If you do decide that having an intermediary is the best route, perhaps seeking a completely neutral one or a professional who specializes in conflict resolution will work out much better than getting this mutual friend involved. However, it’s courageous of you to recognize that you may not be able to resolve this strained relationship with your friend single-handedly, so I commend you for seeking advice on this forum and thinking about who among your friendship circle can be trusted to help.

    Good luck in resolving this conflict with your friend. I truly hope you two can see eye to eye and heal any misgivings you may have in your friendship.

    Peace and Blessings!

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