A few years back, my husband and I and our 2 children moved to a country 10,000 miles away from my family. Not long afterwards, we split up. It wasn’t pretty. He started taking drugs and drinking very heavily, occasionally breaking into my home terrifying my children and I. Sometimes I would come home from work with the kids to find horrible things written about me in permanent marker all over my belongings. There were suicide attempts (his, not mine) and many messages to my closest friends to tell them what an awful person I am.

I tried so hard during this difficult time to keep it all together for the sake of my children and my sanity. There were many days, and still are, when my kids were left sitting at the window with their backpacks on their backs, only for me to have to break their hearts when he would text an hour after his due time to say he couldn’t make it, mostly due to a hangover.

Then he met a girl, a mother of two herself. My ex suddenly found himself a high horse from which he began preaching to me. While up there, he seemed to have earned himself a psychology degree and would regularly diagnose me with bipolar/schizophrenia or any other similar term he had heard on Dr Phil.

For 2 years I had allowed him to see his children in my own home during the week. I would make myself scarce to allow him to be as involved in the regularities of my children’s lives; the homework, the bedtime routines… But one day after yet another argument I decided enough was enough. I was fed up with the relaxed energy in our home being replaced with darkness once he arrived. So I told him he would need to make other arrangements. He lives half an hour away and could easily take them to the park after school, but because I’m no longer allowing to use to my home he’s told my children and anyone who will listen that I’m not allowing him to see them. He now only sees the kids every 2nd weekend. I would assume he would like to spend quality time with them, but instead likes to continue with his own thing and have his girlfriend look after them.

This was probably what planted the seed of my fury. What made it blossom was finding out he had been telling people I had cheated on him, which I hadn’t, and his mother kindly helped him broadcast this. And that was the end of my sanity…

In a rage, I decided to message and tell his family and friends about the times he had been violent with me, which I’ve no doubt will only strengthen his ‘crazy’ comment, and he’ll deny anyway, but I’m so full of anger I don’t care. I don’t feel ashamed, or guilty…just confusion that maybe he is right and I’m losing the plot.

I feel like I’ve become a different person in this last few weeks. I’ve been drinking heavily alone sometimes (I don’t know why I chose to but now I can’t seem to stop) and I’m starting to hate the person I’ve become. I used to take pride in being the strong parent who offered stability, but I feel if I can’t get over this raw rage it will take me over. I don’t want this to affect my relationships with my kids, but I have so many horrible thoughts and emotions running through me and I can’t deal with them.

I cannot BEAR the thought of him coming out as clean as he has, while he’s making my life such hell. I don’t know how to move beyond this and stop seeking revenge. And I don’t understand why this has come to a head after a few years. I’ve never felt such hatred toward myself. I’ve started almost fantasizing about crashing my car, having a horrible illness, etc…just to have this all go away. The thought of my kids keeps me going.

I want to stop drinking, start loving myself again and move away from allowing hatred to envelop me. I can’t accept that after all he’s put me through he still walks away smelling of roses, yet I’m the bad one in all this. Please help me…

• This topic was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by Sally.