Home→Forums→Tough Times→Enveloped by hatred
- This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by Anne.
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February 14, 2015 at 5:55 am #72745SallyParticipant
A few years back, my husband and I and our 2 children moved to a country 10,000 miles away from my family. Not long afterwards, we split up. It wasn’t pretty. He started taking drugs and drinking very heavily, occasionally breaking into my home terrifying my children and I. Sometimes I would come home from work with the kids to find horrible things written about me in permanent marker all over my belongings. There were suicide attempts (his, not mine) and many messages to my closest friends to tell them what an awful person I am.
I tried so hard during this difficult time to keep it all together for the sake of my children and my sanity. There were many days, and still are, when my kids were left sitting at the window with their backpacks on their backs, only for me to have to break their hearts when he would text an hour after his due time to say he couldn’t make it, mostly due to a hangover.
Then he met a girl, a mother of two herself. My ex suddenly found himself a high horse from which he began preaching to me. While up there, he seemed to have earned himself a psychology degree and would regularly diagnose me with bipolar/schizophrenia or any other similar term he had heard on Dr Phil.
For 2 years I had allowed him to see his children in my own home during the week. I would make myself scarce to allow him to be as involved in the regularities of my children’s lives; the homework, the bedtime routines… But one day after yet another argument I decided enough was enough. I was fed up with the relaxed energy in our home being replaced with darkness once he arrived. So I told him he would need to make other arrangements. He lives half an hour away and could easily take them to the park after school, but because I’m no longer allowing to use to my home he’s told my children and anyone who will listen that I’m not allowing him to see them. He now only sees the kids every 2nd weekend. I would assume he would like to spend quality time with them, but instead likes to continue with his own thing and have his girlfriend look after them.
This was probably what planted the seed of my fury. What made it blossom was finding out he had been telling people I had cheated on him, which I hadn’t, and his mother kindly helped him broadcast this. And that was the end of my sanity…
In a rage, I decided to message and tell his family and friends about the times he had been violent with me, which I’ve no doubt will only strengthen his ‘crazy’ comment, and he’ll deny anyway, but I’m so full of anger I don’t care. I don’t feel ashamed, or guilty…just confusion that maybe he is right and I’m losing the plot.
I feel like I’ve become a different person in this last few weeks. I’ve been drinking heavily alone sometimes (I don’t know why I chose to but now I can’t seem to stop) and I’m starting to hate the person I’ve become. I used to take pride in being the strong parent who offered stability, but I feel if I can’t get over this raw rage it will take me over. I don’t want this to affect my relationships with my kids, but I have so many horrible thoughts and emotions running through me and I can’t deal with them.
I cannot BEAR the thought of him coming out as clean as he has, while he’s making my life such hell. I don’t know how to move beyond this and stop seeking revenge. And I don’t understand why this has come to a head after a few years. I’ve never felt such hatred toward myself. I’ve started almost fantasizing about crashing my car, having a horrible illness, etc…just to have this all go away. The thought of my kids keeps me going.
I want to stop drinking, start loving myself again and move away from allowing hatred to envelop me. I can’t accept that after all he’s put me through he still walks away smelling of roses, yet I’m the bad one in all this. Please help me…
- This topic was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Sally.
February 14, 2015 at 7:58 am #72749CindyParticipantSally,
I know that sometimes feelings of anger, resentment, and hatred can be overwhelming, but I think it’s important for you to remember that in the long run, these feelings will only hurt you, not your ex-husband. If you let the feelings take over and do something that can’t be undone, then he ultimately wins, and you will lose your children. It sounds to me like you love those kids very much and have been a good mother to them. Don’t let him take that away from you. Call on your family, your friends…anyone who can act as a support system for you. Let them help you pick yourself up and keep going for the sake of you children. Don’t let someone else’s actions control your life. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. Show this man that you’re above his lies and manipulations. Be indifferent toward him. Find peace in the people in your life who love you and matter to you. I’m sending you positive thoughts and warm wishes. You can pull yourself out of this. You can be the bigger person. You already are, and will continue to be as long as you don’t let your ex-husband get to you. Keep in mind that he’s trying to get a rise out of you. Don’t give him what he wants. He doesn’t deserve it.
February 14, 2015 at 5:33 pm #72754TeresaParticipantNo,he does not deserve it, it is complicated though.calling out to family & friends backfired for me. I was totally blindsided by this. I just knew they would support me by his actions. No one was willing to say his actions were even slightly wrong. How could this be?? It just did. People don’t want to get involved, children or not. Its so hard to calculate faster than a bad person does. It requires no effort on their part. Its hard to believe that another persons venom can make you self destruct, but it can. You can’t turn your mind off. The occasional drink gives temporary relief. The search for answers continue. Some people are just mean & they know just how to make it ALL be your fault. The word hard doesn’t come close….
February 15, 2015 at 11:58 am #72796AnneParticipantI think your rage outburst was natural, understandable and – if you let it be – will be incredibly healing. “Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean.” – Maya Angelou
Rage if you need to. Get your closest friends and have a full-on bitchfest about what an utterly inadequate human being he is. Or write it all out on a forum, or a diary. At some point, it’ll turn to laughter and tears and you’ll be well on your way 🙂 Do try to lay off the drinking alone though, and don’t allow a single seed of doubt about yourself to be planted in your mind by him. It’s easy to feel that way when you’re feeling low about the breakup, but you sound perfectly sane to me. There’s a time to be tranquil and rise above it all, and there’s a time to throw your toys out of the pram a bit. It’ll pass, I promise 🙂
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