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Everything I do just goes Wrong

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  • June 9, 2015 at 7:35 am #77922
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jason:
    I read again all your posts attentively. This is my input:
    You read like a reasonable, rational man who takes responsibility for your participation in the relationship, willing to look at what you did wrong and what you can do better. You did put a lot of possible solutions into action, helping around the house, dating, and more. You suggested psychotherapy. You did everything you could to have her stop flirting with the guy.

    You did everything you possibly could to help your marriage. There is nothing else you can possibly do at this point, and this is my feeling about your marriage. At this point NOTHING else from you is required. Do nothing, this is what comes to my mind.

    Stop trying. Withdraw. Let things be. What else can you do? When you have done so much and “Everything I do just goes wrong”- the title of your post, well…. stop doing.

    I would drop the business with the other guy- stop mentioning it to her, stop asking about it. Let it go, at least in outward behavior. Say and do nothing about it.

    You wrote: “I need to heal myself though…I need to let go of it but I am scared to. I am not sure why. I guess after all this time, I expect her to be there and it scares me she may not. I would feel like a failure.”

    I don’t know much about what you mean in the above. I wonder about your fear, the nature of it. I would write about it- here or otherwise explore your fear. Not with her though, in counseling or otherwise- I will read what you write, if you choose to do it here and maybe help you to take it from here.

    anita

    June 9, 2015 at 11:49 am #77945
    Jason1501
    Participant

    I guess I have 16+ years in with her. I felt like her straying or our relationship having problems, was my fault, my failure. I realize relationships need to change and I am open to it. I can even consider they may be just friends. But as soon as you start hiding things… that means there is a reason you need to hide them. I have a fear of losing her, what we had (but truthfully, what we had is gone). I feared it to the point of having it paralyze my life. I was scared that she saw what she was doing and didn’t care. I would be watchful, waiting to see if she stumbled again. It made me lose site of myself, my kids, friends because I was fixated on her not cheating and me being able to fix it.

    By saying I need to heal myself, I need to live my own life, not have her so center in my life anymore… To take the kids camping and not worry if she does cheat (I am trying to learn that doesn’t reflect on me). I am tired of her poor choices making me unhappy. I want to be away from the negativity, which sends me in to “fix-it” mode. I want to be happy, I want her back, to trust her… to trust us. I want a new relationship with her but I am not sure of what she wants (I am not sure she knows what she wants) and that uncertainty, kills me.

    June 9, 2015 at 11:58 am #77946
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear jason:
    You fear losing what you had but you realize you already lost it. I like you wanting to live your own life, no longer so focused on her, on what she will or will not do next… It is not a good idea in any context to center your life around a person who himself/ herself has no idea what they want. If you focus on the one who is unfocused… ineffective, isn’t it, hopeless…

    Yes, focus on you. Focus on fixing what you CAN fix. Be the “fix it” guy, only fix what is possible to fix: your focus, your center. Difficult, but possible (better than it being difficult AND impossible to fix her).

    As a side effect of your shift of focus and center- things are much more lightly to get better.

    And maybe, over time, even though you lost what you had with her, you will gain something good that you WILL have with her.
    anita

    June 9, 2015 at 12:21 pm #77948
    Jason1501
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. It is hard, especially when I see her struggling. But the old ways don’t work. She probably needs to fight her own fight so she can grow into who she needs to be. And you are right, after time passes and we both learn what we need to maybe we will have something good with each other.

    June 9, 2015 at 1:07 pm #77951
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Jason. I believe you have a good understanding of your situation and that you are on the right path most likely to yield best results. I will look for future posts by you and will respond. Any help you need along the way…My best wishes to you.
    anita

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