I’m on a roller coaster of emotions right now, but I fully understand that it is of my own making, as well as a natural process.
After breaking up with my now-ex-boyfriend a few weeks ago, he took the hit pretty hard. He left me outside in the dark in below 30 degree weather, and while I understand why, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so abandoned before. That same night I went to friend’s birthday party because I would not let it keep me from seeing my friends and feeling happy.

He’s texted me a lot, to which I never replied, no matter how angry it made me. Because I knew he didn’t deserve to hear unkind words even though he was sending them to me. He asked me how it was so easy for me to move on, how it seemed like I never cared, how I could possibly have gone to that party that night, and so much more. And now he pretends I do not exist at school. He stares right past me and sometimes purposely says things aloud at lunch as though to strike some sort of nerve in me when I’m there.

What he’ll never know is how hard I tried to stay for his sake, and for how long. He’ll never know how many times I cried trying to figure out what to do because I had to keep convincing myself I still loved him. I care about him, but I stopped loving him. It took everything in me to stay so many times. And now the only guilt I have is the fact I probably should have left a while ago. I waited too long, probably led him on when I didn’t mean to, but only because I didn’t want to overlook anything, because he still had hope while I did not. He saw me in his future while I hadn’t ever since July. He’d even said if it had been a few years from now, he would marry me, even though we’d barely been together for over a year. I was unhappy far more often than I was happy.

I’m trying to keep a level head, but there are some thoughts that just keep coming back to me time and time again.
For starters, I feel horrible for being the person to rip his dream from him of settling down with me in the future, but right there is one problem- he wants to settle and probably have kids, and I want to travel and have no kids at all.
And I had even told him several times before that I wasn’t feeling good and needed to monitor my feelings. I’d already told him I didn’t see a future for us and that I wanted to take it easy and just have fun with this while it lasted. But I think deep down he was just waiting… he was waiting for me to change my mind. He hoped desperately that I would change my mind. But once my intuition whispered ‘he’s not right for you,’ that was the end of it for me.
I feel like a monster for leaving him at a time when he probably needed me most- his sister had gotten her cancer back, he was stressed out at home, the swim season was over and he was still trying to come out of an emotional rut. But we’d danced through extremes for months before and I was so tired. And I would have kept looking for excuses to stay. If it hadn’t been his emotional circumstances, it would have been the fact Thanksgiving was coming up, or the fact Christmas was on the way, or the fact it was our one year anniversary, or this or that- no more excuses. I was afraid of leaving him because of how it would hurt him and because I would always question if I had done the right thing. But fear is not a good reason to stay. The happy times were too few and far in between.

It is not my fault he forged such a dream, nor is it my fault he is having a rough time at home, and even if my absence doesn’t help him, I should not have to sacrifice my well-being for his sake… if he wants to spit venom at me to my face or behind my back, very well. If he chooses to hate me, fine. I know I’ve hurt him.
But I’m hurting too. I made this decision so both of us could one day be happy, not just myself. I wish the best for him and hope one day he figures out how to love and respect himself so he can do so for another person. But the running around in circles, the forcing myself to remember why I’m with him… I couldn’t do it anymore. Not when college is soon approaching and I have so much to look forward to.

~
It’s taking everything in me right now to try and keep calm and move forward. I know I will eventually, but between feeling bad for hurting a good person- even if it wasn’t good for me- and recently learning that I have a suicidal family member who is also an abusive alcoholic, I feel like I’m losing so many important people. I lost a grandpa within the past year and my grandma has been frequenting the hospital with cancer and other problems. It just feels like everything has conspired to make the holidays so very rough this year.

Deep down, though, I’m going to choose to see this as my next challenge. Because the last time this happened, I let myself fall into a five year depression that almost ended in me taking my own life. I defeated depression and now I’m here, I’m alive, and I have hope. This time around I will make decisions for myself without regret, I will hold my own hand, and trudge on through whatever shadows try to claim my heart. I am more than pain. I might only be eighteen years of age, but I am very much capable of being strong.

I just felt the need to pour this out to a very helpful community. So to anyone who read this all the way through, thank you so much for taking the time out of your day.