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January 22, 2019 at 6:31 am #276055
KaraParticipantHey All, I am new here so I apologize if this topic has already been brought up.
As a newbie here, I am not exactly sure what is appropriate to ask but I am looking for advice. I want the honest truth because I feel like my own opinion has been very blind through anger and jealously. So let me start with the facts:
My sister (older) recently went through a bad breakup. It was not filled with any fighting but her boyfriend of 5+ years broke it off and he immediately began dating another girl. There is much more to that story but I do not see it as relevant to this topic.
Prior to this (back in the summer of 2017) I met a guy (Kyle) and I started dating him. We never were an official relationship but we were exclusive. We were intimate with each other and became close. We broke it off when I went away for school since we both acknowledged that we could not do a long-distance relationship. However, I was not 100% on board with cutting it quits. Instead of telling the guy the truth, I went along with it but cut ties with the guy. As time went on, the guy and I slowly began talking again but this time, only as friends. I was okay with it because I started to date other guys. He and I were both able to openly talk about our dating experiences and feelings while also being completely open with each other about our lives. We never dated again, however, there were times the guy still seemed to show interest. I ended up brushing it off to avoid any lingering feelings.
My sister and Kyle have gotten to know each other and both seem interested. Kyle asked me if it would be ok if he could get to know my sister and see if they could date. I shot down the idea immediately, telling both parties I was uncomfortable. Both parties were not happy with my response. I finally told both parties that I still may have feelings for Kyle and I wanted to be able to work through them. And I hoped that they would understand why I didn’t want them to get to know each other and date. However, they have not respected that. I do not know for a fact that they are dating but I know they are talking.
I feel so immature and possessive but this hurts me. It seems that when they opened up the gateway to consider my feelings and they received a response they didn’t like, they chose to ignore it and continue on like nothing happened. I know I need to work on my jealous and anger but I feel like my feelings were not considered in this. I want to not feel caught up in this. It is making me feel miserable and crazy. I want to feel in control of my feelings but rather, I feel impulsive and emotional. My rational side is telling me that I cannot control people and they are going to do whatever they want to do. And I should push through it and focus on myself. Maybe cut ties with both parties for a while. My emotional side is telling me I have every right to feel this way and that if both parties are choosing to ignore my feelings, then I should cut ties. I know that since they may or may not be dating I probably am acting irrational but it still hurts me that they both said they didn’t care how I felt.
Just looking for advice and an insightful opinion. Thank you.
January 22, 2019 at 6:52 am #276075
AnonymousGuestDear Kara:
in the summer of 2017 you started dating Kyle. It was an exclusive and intimate relationship, although not official. The relationship ended because you were leaving for school, a long distance away. Later on, the two of you started talking as friends while the two of you dated other people. Then Kyle asked you if it was okay with you that he dates your older sister (who’s more than five years relationship ended recently). You told him you would be uncomfortable if he did and told both, Kyle and your sister that you still had feelings for Kyle.
At this point you don’t know if Kyle and your sister are dating. Can you elaborate on what you do know about the nature of their communications?
And what is it that Kyle and your sister said to you, individually, that shows you that he ignores your discomfort with their dating?
anita
January 22, 2019 at 7:00 am #276079
InkyParticipantHi Kara,
Out of the billions of females on the planet, he chose your sister? That your “No” is so outrageous that they ignore you and it’s an open secret that their seeing each other?
I hate when people ask you if something would be OK, and then get pissed when you say “No”. Like them asking you is just a formality.
Well, I say HONOR your feelings. If they are uncomfortable with it, let them be responsible for THEIR feelings.
Your sister’s question is “Is this relationship worth giving up my sister over?”
The answer is “Obviously not.”
Now the onus is on HIM to be the perfect boyfriend or potential husband for this to be worth it at all.
Because if it fails (it will) THEY will look like utter jerks.
Let it be Awkward,
Inky
January 25, 2019 at 12:37 pm #276941KaraParticipantHi Anita,
Sorry for the lack of response on this. I wanted to give myself some time away from the topic so I can let things cool rather than have things simmer in my head. Something I have always tried to do is remove myself from the issue so when I reenter, I have a new, fresher perspective.
After mulling over this with a bit of a clearer perspective, I think I am reacting more with my emotions than with reason. I have always had a type of competitive vibe with my sister (something I feel that most siblings experience). My sister has attempted to date an ex (V) in the past and with that one, I was ok with it. I thought it was weird but did not feel any jealous toward the situation. That never worked (hence “attempted”). My sister had also reached out to another ex of mine (Dan) for a ride home from a party when her ride was intoxicated and she needed a safe ride home. She was not capable of driving herself but she also did not have a vehicle. She did have friends she could have reached out to, she always had our parents (she was under 21 but my parents made it clear it would be safer to have us contact them for a ride than risking our life by driving home or riding with another intoxicated friend, etc.), and she had her own boyfriend who did not go to the party and could have gone with her. Also, this was when I was with the guy and we were in a fight at the time so I did not know until way later. Even more, she would text Dan (during and after our breakup).
When I think over these actions of hers, it makes me feel frustrated. I do not understand why my sister ignores boundaries. I have never done anything like this to her. I always respected that boundary, as anyone should do.
I know that Kyle said they are talking as friends at this moment, so maybe it really isn’t anything. Which is why I said maybe I am being immature. Maybe I am blowing this out of proportion. I do know that Kyle is fighting for that friendship with my sister. I do know that they find each other both attractive and my guy instinct is telling me that something is going on but I cannot say or assume what.
But, I also cannot help but feel sad for my sister. Her recent breakup has definitely scarred her. And I know she has been latching onto many guys as a way to fill that void. She met Kyle, who is a really good and attractive guy. Kyle showed interest in her. And maybe since she knew I was happy with Kyle and still friends with Kyle, he would make a good partner. But these are all assumptions. I have no true idea what is going on. For all I know, my sister doesn’t even like him anymore.
But after I tried to talk things out with her, by waving my white flag, by handing her the olive branch, she snapped that olive branch and told me she wants nothing to do with me. I really have no clue at this point of what is going on between my sister and Kyle. My sister has made it clear that I have treated her like “sh*t” this whole time and is tired of my “crap.” I have no reason at this moment to try to amend things when she is refusing to even try herself.
January 25, 2019 at 1:01 pm #276951AnonymousGuestDear Kara:
I need to be away from the computer for the next sixteen hours or so. When I am back I will read and reply to your recent post (and anything you may add to it before I return).
anita
January 25, 2019 at 1:02 pm #276953AnonymousGuest* didn’t reflect under Topics
January 25, 2019 at 11:38 pm #276987KaraParticipantAlso, to add. I miss my sister. I want to talk to her. We had a very good relationships with few fights here and there.
This is really hard for me. But I also do not want to go out of my way and apologize for nothing.
January 26, 2019 at 5:37 am #276997AnonymousGuestDear Kara:
You read to me like a very reasonable, intelligent person. Yet it is hard for us to see clearly what is closest to us, such as a relationship with a sibling. It is so because the relationship started so early, so long ago, we don’t remember much, we don’t remember the events, our feelings and thoughts of so long ago.
She contacted V, one of your exes, attempting to date him and failed. She then, while having a boyfriend, called Dan who was your boyfriend at the time, not officially an ex, for a ride home although she had friends and parents to call. Later she texted Dan during and after your breakup from him.
She had a boyfriend for more than five years, he broke up with her and dated another girl immediately. Soon after she contacted Kyle, your ex and friend at the time. Kyle asked you what you feel about them dating, you said you were uncomfortable and still have feelings for Kyle. She was “not happy” with your response.
You “tried to talk things out with her, by waving my white flag, by handling her the olive branch”, but she “snapped that olive branch and told me she wants nothing to do with me… My sister made it clear that I have treated her like ‘sh*t this whole time and is tired of my ‘crap'”.
You mentioned siblings being competitive. Reads to me that she is angry and envious of her younger sister. Somehow in the early family dynamics, she felt less important, or inferior to you. Maybe she felt that your parents treated you better, that you got the better things and she got the lesser things, the short end of the stick. Maybe as the adult woman that she is now, she is trying to make up for this inequality by taking for herself the better things in life, which is what you had or have.
Is this a possibility and what do you remember about the way she treated you, her younger sister (how much younger?) and how you treated her during your childhood?
anita
January 26, 2019 at 6:22 pm #277113KaraParticipantShe is a little over a year older than me. While we have half-siblings, they are basically not a part of our life. We grew up close to our cousins but at one point, we stopped being so close. So basically, it was always my sister and I.
I know my parents treated me better. I do not know why. I think it is because I always did well in school and seemed to succeed in my career more than she. It still does not excuse anything. I think my sister also noticed that I got along well with my parents and my mother showed me more affection because I treated my mother with more respect and kindness than my sister.
At family events, after we all hit a certain age, my sister would always hog my cousins from me. Making me feel like I was always the one to be left out. I have acknowledged that I am more awkward than my sister and more emotional than she. And she has always pointed that out. I know she will tell me that I am awkward, socially inept to hurt me and not to help me. Even though my sister tends to do well socially, I always had more close friends than her. I was always doing stuff while she preferred to stay home or hang out with her boyfriends (nothing wrong with that but even being awkward, I make the most out of life).
Being the young sibling, my sister always picked on me. Put me down. Treated me like I was inferior. Even in high school she acted like I did not exist in the beginning. My sister points out that I have lost friends because I am a mean person. I have lost boyfriends because of this and that. And I have shot back at her many times when we got into fights. My sister always had to be right, so the moment I learned to stand up for myself, the more she learned to hurt my self-esteem.
But there were many more good times we shared. It is difficult. At the end of the day, even if people believe me to be in the wrong, I am tried to fix this. And she stuck up her nose and told me she wanted us to spend time apart. On one hand, it is reasonable for her to want everyone to cool down, but on the other hand, it is her way of continuing to hurt me by pushing me out of her life. And call me the bad person. I do not think there is any solution other than time at this point.
January 27, 2019 at 6:37 am #277149AnonymousGuestDear Kara:
This is how I see your situation: your parents did wrong when they treated you better than they treated your sister. They were short sighted, they didn’t predict that by treating you better, they were seeing to it that you will be treated badly by your sister.
If they treated their two daughters equally, no favoritism, you wouldn’t be suffering years of mistreatment by your sister.
Problem now is that the mistreated (your sister, having been mistreated by her parents) has turned to one who mistreats, mistreating you.
I would like to communicate with you further on the matter. I don’t think time is a solution, like you suggested. Maybe more understanding will lead to improvement. For more understanding I ask:
-has your sister expressed anger at your parents who treated her as less than you?
-do you believe that your parents were right to treat her as less, that they were justified?
anita
January 27, 2019 at 7:53 pm #277291KaraParticipantI say time is the best solution at this point because my sister seems to want some distance. Keep poking at that alligator and it will snap back. When I was referring to time, I was not referring to months or even years. I was not clear in that statement but I was figuring on giving her at least a month to chill.
To answer your questions:
1. My sister has expressed resentment not only to my parents but to me. Which is why I am very confident about what I said earlier about my parents not treating her equally.
2. I do not think there is any justification for my parent’s actions. I think it just happens. I cannot fathom a reason why they would purposely do it other than seeing results from one child rather than the other. In other words, parents may feel that when one child does not show efforts toward reaching a certain goal but another child does, it would be more reasonable to put their energy into the one who will be more promising. I am not condoning this behavior or defending their choices. I cannot answer for them.
January 28, 2019 at 7:46 am #277337AnonymousGuestDear Kara:
Giving your sister time to relax makes sense. I think that your best bet to undo your sister’s anger at you is to empathize with her, once you interact with her again, stating in no uncertain terms that it was wrong of your parents to treat her as less than you and that you wish they treated the two of you equally.
If you defend your parents to her, or even take a neutral position, as in “cannot answer for them”, it will not do. You have to take her side on this matter because they really were wrong.
A child wants nothing more than to please her parents, your sister wanted that too, desperately. It is not her lack of effort that led to lesser results, lesser grades, not in the beginning at least. I will give you an example from my life: I didn’t want to do chores at home and my mother complained that I was lazy. On the surface it looked like I was. What I learned later on is that it was her severe criticism of my work when I attempted a chore that led to me to give up on trying. I was too afraid of her telling me I did it wrong, washing dishes or cleaning the floor.
anita
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