Hi Katie

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Or can anyone perhaps offer some insight into his thought process? I really have no idea how to proceed with this.

I spent some time in the military and observed similar situations quite a bit. It was mostly a man thing though I’ve seen woman abuse or confuse love in this way as well.

Based on my observations the probably of such situations ending out happy ever after are rare. The worst cases going on for years.

For practical advice on your relationships Anita will help you through. My thoughts would be more general on the notion of relationship and love. Many people use those words without really knowing/owning what they want or expect from a experience of love and relationship. As such relationships become a crucible in which we have the opportunity to discover ourselves, examine our fears and perhaps why we hold on what we hold on to.

Tied up into the experience of Love will be experiences of meaning, purpose, accountability, responsibility – being seen. Reading through just a few threads on this site and you will realized how desperately we might cling to the experiences of meaning and purpose while avoiding how the notions of accountability, responsibility, commitment, discipline play in those experiences.  If you didn’t get to be responsible  or accountable for your actions, words, who you are meaning and purpose could not be experience which would most certainly impact our experience of love.

Questions you might ask yourself.

Does your Ex see you? Do you see him? Are you holding each other accountable? (accountability isn’t about blaming or punishing but being honest with each other, show each other that what they do and who that are matters .)
What about the experience with your Ex are you holding on to? Have you projected a missing part of yourself onto your Ex? If so is it possible that you are mistaken and that what you felt he gave you was always yours and within you?

What are your expectations when it comes to Relationships and Love? Do you feel you deserve less or more?

Katie – “I guess I want to believe there is truth to what he says when he says he loves and misses me. He has even gone as far as to say he doesn’t want to be with her and “she’s just not me,” but as I mentioned above, he claims to be happy with her.  He tries to come to my home which he knows is wrong. Every time he says something inappropriate to me I remind him that this girl would not be okay with the things he’s saying and he says he doesn’t care. I’m just so confused. He’s working so hard to keep me and it’s just destroying me.”

He definitely needs to be open and honest with the woman he’s currently with, that’s really shady if he isn’t. I can see how much this is bothering you, which is completely understandable. Like, for example – I told my ex from (2016-2020) about how I wanted to forgive my X from (2009-2014) prior to her and she was fine with it. Not that I needed approval but we are still very close friends and felt it was important. When I actually got the opportunity to see and talk with my X from (2009-2014) recently, I had told her and told her how I felt. She was hurt that but she understood that it was time, I was surprised that she was hurt by the encounter, already knowing we had discussed me forgiving my X long ago already.

Point is, being open and honest is always best no matter what, I’ve always believed in that. If he’s spilling out his feelings for you and keeping it from the woman he’s with, there’s undoubtedly a problem. However it is also your life and your choice on how to go about that with him. You could always say to him ” Does your GF know that you’re in contact with me? and that you’re saying all these love lines to me?”

I wish you the best Katie and the way you are feeling is natural and you have the right to know. My belief is that, he should be honest with both of you and not hiding things but not everyone operates the same I guess. Don’t understand how someone like him could carry such secrets but I am ME and he is, who he is. Hope he does the right thing and that you get the peace you deserve.

Sending you so much love, positivity and light during this time in your life.

Its a sad reality but sometimes Love requires a relationship to end especially if continuing the relationship is leading to a distortion.

From the way you are able to express yourself I suspect you will come through this stronger and with healthy boundaries that will enable you to find a relationship and love that is waiting for you.

Dear Katie:

You are welcome. And as you go about your healing process patiently, you are welcome to post here (or in  a new thread or threads that you can start anytime), and I, for one, will be glad to read from you and reply every time you post.

anita