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Ex left me for someone new but claims to still love me

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  • #366379
    Katie
    Participant

    My ex and I were together for a little over 3 years. It wasn’t the easiest relationship. He saw me through some of the hardest times of my life and I blamed myself for his cheating. I don’t consider him to be a bad person. Sometimes he makes bad, alcohol related, selfish choices. It probably sounds ridiculous but I have seen the good in him. I’ve grown significantly through this relationship and am in such a good place today despite the recent circumstances.

    Through the 3+ years there were times where we were on and off but we made the agreement to be together and rekindle the flame so to speak. We had an amazing night out and everything was great. We were in the best place we had been in probably a solid year. That weekend he met a new girl and cheated on me with her. A few days later he explained he wanted to enjoy the rest of his summer. I was hurt and confused because everything was going well, but I accepted it

     

    Not even a week later he started officially dating the new girl. Since this happened he has texted me or called me multiple times a week, every week telling me he misses me and loves me. That no matter what he does his mind always comes back to me and he can’t stop thinking about me. He doesn’t want to go no contact and claims he didn’t choose her over me because he’s still talking to me all the time and still cares about me… even though he is in a full fledged relationship with her. I asked him if he was happy with her and he said yes. I have asked him numerous times to stop talking to me and he claims that he “can’t.” He asks about my dating life every time he reaches out.

    I am so lost and confused. I don’t understand how anyone can claim to be in love with you, but leave you for someone else. I don’t understand why he is with her if he constantly still reaches out to me. He asks to see me and made sure he saw me out when she was away.

    I’m having a hard time because I do still love him and him constantly telling me he loves and misses me is messing with my emotions and head

    Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Or can anyone perhaps offer some insight into his thought process? I really have no idea how to proceed with this.

    #366415
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katie:

    “He asks to see me and made sure he saw me out when she was away”- I am assuming that she doesn’t know about you, and that’s why he sees you when she is away (so that she doesn’t find out about you).

    You know about her; she doesn’t know about you, I assume it is so because he is afraid that if she finds out about you, she will break up with him… but he is quite confident that you will not break up with him, or even though he prefers that you don’t end contact wit him, it will be okay with him, if you do.

    “I don’t understand how anyone can claim to be in love with you, but leave you for someone else”- anyone can claim anything, it is so easy.. in the next line I can claim to be.. well anything, all it takes is me typing words on the screen; and all it takes for him to claim anything he wants is to say the words to you.

    “I don’t understand why he is with her if he constantly still reaches out to me”- he may be with her, reaching out to you and reaching out to other women, whenever he has the chance, or whenever it.. just happens. Lots of men like to have multiple women at any one time, they like the variety, they like someone new, someone old, someone newer.. someone different.

    I hope to read more from you. I will be back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.

    anita

     

    #366437
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Katie

    Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Or can anyone perhaps offer some insight into his thought process? I really have no idea how to proceed with this.

    I spent some time in the military and observed similar situations quite a bit. It was mostly a man thing though I’ve seen woman abuse or confuse love in this way as well.

    Based on my observations the probably of such situations ending out happy ever after are rare. The worst cases going on for years.

    For practical advice on your relationships Anita will help you through. My thoughts would be more general on the notion of relationship and love. Many people use those words without really knowing/owning what they want or expect from a experience of love and relationship. As such relationships become a crucible in which we have the opportunity to discover ourselves, examine our fears and perhaps why we hold on what we hold on to.

    Tied up into the experience of Love will be experiences of meaning, purpose, accountability, responsibility – being seen. Reading through just a few threads on this site and you will realized how desperately we might cling to the experiences of meaning and purpose while avoiding how the notions of accountability, responsibility, commitment, discipline play in those experiences.  If you didn’t get to be responsible  or accountable for your actions, words, who you are meaning and purpose could not be experience which would most certainly impact our experience of love.

    Questions you might ask yourself.

    Does your Ex see you? Do you see him? Are you holding each other accountable? (accountability isn’t about blaming or punishing but being honest with each other, show each other that what they do and who that are matters .)
    What about the experience with your Ex are you holding on to? Have you projected a missing part of yourself onto your Ex? If so is it possible that you are mistaken and that what you felt he gave you was always yours and within you?

    What are your expectations when it comes to Relationships and Love? Do you feel you deserve less or more?

    #366450
    Katie
    Participant

    Anita,

    I agree that she likely doesn’t know he cheated on me with her, that he left me for her, or that I really even exist or that he continues to talk to me.

    I guess I want to believe there is truth to what he says when he says he loves and misses me. He has even gone as far as to say he doesn’t want to be with her and “she’s just not me,” but as I mentioned above, he claims to be happy with her.  He tries to come to my home which he knows is wrong. Every time he says something inappropriate to me I remind him that this girl would not be okay with the things he’s saying and he says he doesn’t care. I’m just so confused. He’s working so hard to keep me and it’s just destroying me.

    To touch on Peter’s point. Throughout our relationship he has accepted accountability for certain mistakes and apologized but always lacked action. He would say he would change but wouldn’t. I guess the part of my ex that I’m holding onto is that he was there through the toughest time in my life and he made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve never been with anyone I’ve loved so deeply and has made me smile or laugh as much as him despite the bad stuff. I guess I thought the good always outweighed the bad. I always figured that things happen in relationships and the things that happen can make you stronger, but only if you work together. I guess I have to accept that he didn’t do his part, didn’t take accountability, didn’t live up to his promises, and has created the situation we are in now. He’s only been with this girl for a few weeks and already wants to cheat on her. I guess what I’m realizing by writing this is he has so much work to do inside to change and better himself. I just don’t know how to get out from this hold he has on me.

    #366452
    Marie
    Participant

    Katie – “I guess I want to believe there is truth to what he says when he says he loves and misses me. He has even gone as far as to say he doesn’t want to be with her and “she’s just not me,” but as I mentioned above, he claims to be happy with her.  He tries to come to my home which he knows is wrong. Every time he says something inappropriate to me I remind him that this girl would not be okay with the things he’s saying and he says he doesn’t care. I’m just so confused. He’s working so hard to keep me and it’s just destroying me.”

     

    He definitely needs to be open and honest with the woman he’s currently with, that’s really shady if he isn’t. I can see how much this is bothering you, which is completely understandable. Like, for example – I told my ex from (2016-2020) about how I wanted to forgive my X from (2009-2014) prior to her and she was fine with it. Not that I needed approval but we are still very close friends and felt it was important. When I actually got the opportunity to see and talk with my X from (2009-2014) recently, I had told her and told her how I felt. She was hurt that but she understood that it was time, I was surprised that she was hurt by the encounter, already knowing we had discussed me forgiving my X long ago already.

     

    Point is, being open and honest is always best no matter what, I’ve always believed in that. If he’s spilling out his feelings for you and keeping it from the woman he’s with, there’s undoubtedly a problem. However it is also your life and your choice on how to go about that with him. You could always say to him ” Does your GF know that you’re in contact with me? and that you’re saying all these love lines to me?”

     

    I wish you the best Katie and the way you are feeling is natural and you have the right to know. My belief is that, he should be honest with both of you and not hiding things but not everyone operates the same I guess. Don’t understand how someone like him could carry such secrets but I am ME and he is, who he is. Hope he does the right thing and that you get the peace you deserve.

     

    Sending you so much love, positivity and light during this time in your life.

     

    #366454
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katie:

    “He’s only been with this girl for a few weeks and already wants to cheat on her”- he is impulsive, he gets carried away with his emotions and with his sexual drive.

    “I guess I want to believe there is truth to what he says when he says he loves and misses me”- I think that there is truth to it, that he is not a cold hearted manipulator who feels nothing for you. I think that he is impulsive; that he feels love for you at  one moment, and for her the moment after. And if things happen later on, someplace else, with someone else, well…

    “He’s working so hard to keep me and It’s just destroying me“- there is more to love than just the feeling of love. Love is about building up (not tearing down/ destroying)  the person one loves.

    “I just don’t know how to get out from this hold he has on me”- I don’t know how you can get out from the hold you feel that he has on you. But I believe that you can, and that one day you will look back and say to yourself: I can’t believe he had any hold on me! I wish I saw him then as I see him now!

    If you see him now the way that he truly is (impulsive, not cold hearted; feeling love for you now, for her later.. for someone else after that; if you truly see that he is not trustworthy, that you can’t depend on him at all.. that hold will be gone.

    anita

     

    #366457
    Peter
    Participant

    Its a sad reality but sometimes Love requires a relationship to end especially if continuing the relationship is leading to a distortion.

    From the way you are able to express yourself I suspect you will come through this stronger and with healthy boundaries that will enable you to find a relationship and love that is waiting for you.

    #366465
    Katie
    Participant

    Thank you all for these positive messages. It has really helped me put this in perspective instead of just hearing people demonize him or tell me I’m a fool for letting it get to this point.

    I know there are great things ahead of me and I just have to be patient with my healing process.

    #366466
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Katie:

    You are welcome. And as you go about your healing process patiently, you are welcome to post here (or in  a new thread or threads that you can start anytime), and I, for one, will be glad to read from you and reply every time you post.

    anita

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