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Exclusion feelings

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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 3 weeks, 2 days ago.

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  • #309231

    Anonymous

    Hello everybody

    I really need some advice and… Sorry for my English (it is not my mother tongue)!

    I have been dating for two years a divorced man who has two children living in another city with their mom. I am divorced too and have a daughter. Since we are dating he goes every two weeks to this city to see the kids and stays at his ex wifes flat (she stays at his boyfriends flat when my boyfriend is there). Sometimes he take his kids to us. The thing is that even when at the beginning I was okay with that situation, I started to feel more and more excluded of his life, as I am not allowed to stay at his ex wifes flat with the kids (what I can understand).

    I know that this anger/exclusion feelings are inside me but I can‘t help feeling this way. We talked about renting a small flat there to see the kids more often (he sometimes has to stay there during the week too) and I could be there as well, but I don’t feel that he is putting some effort and that increases my anger. He doesn‘t look for any flats and he is keeping telling me that he wants to do it, but his kids feel very confortable when they are at their moms flat.

    I told him that it is okay for me if he sometimes wants to spend some time alone with his kids but I I don’t want that I am not allowed to be there almost every time. Specially because I have a wonderful relationship with his son and I would like to visit him as much as I can.

    I don’t really know what to do, I am meditating as much as I can but I can‘t find the answers, should I let it just go? Should I be more patient?
    My boyfriend and I have a nice relationship but in this particular situation I feel he is not taking my feelings very seriously.
    Thank you very much!!!

    #309253

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Barbara:

    You are not a bad person for feeling the anger that you feel, feeling excluded and so forth. We are not guilty for how we feel, no matter what it is that we feel.

    On the other hand we are sometimes guilty of our behavior, when your  behavior is not fair to others. In this particular case, his children should come first in his life. He is their father, he owes them time and attention. Therefore anything you do to keep him away from being a present and attentive father to his children, is bad behavior  on your part.

    I suggest that if it is too difficult for you to be in this particular relationship that you pause it or end it altogether. And make a decision: in the future, choose a man who does not have minor children.

    anita

    #309323

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Barbara,

    It’s good that your boyfriend wants to stay in regular contact with his children and I understand why it might not be appropriate for you to be at their mother’s flat during access periods and why the children would be comfortable in their own surroundings.  I think you need to have further discussions with your boyfriend regarding getting a flat closer to where the children live to help with access arrangements.  Ask him honestly if this is what he wants and if it is, perhaps you could look for somewhere initially.

    I think there is room for compromise on this one.  If he has the children one time on his own then I don’t think it is too unreasonable for you to be involved the next time (once every four weeks).  Would it be possible for you to stay in a hotel once a month and go on outings with the children?

    I think if you can work out a plan where both of you can have their feelings acknowledged, you will cease to be angry over this.  What do you think?

    Peggy

     

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