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Fm not doing well. Saw online they just added another appointment for this week. Being discharged 4 days ago from an inpatient 2 week hospitalization only to have 3 upcoming appointments this week a day apart from one another … isn’t a good sign.

Before she was discharged an transthoracic echocardiogram suggested there may be fluid around her left lung….

To be honest, I think her organs are shutting down and getting ready to fail. .. Although improving some, she’s still very weak and frail..when she coughs, I hear fluid…or maybe it’s paranoia…she often has a bloated extended stomach, sometimes in pain and has difficulty fully emptying her bladder despite feeling the urgency to go frequently. ..

She has difficulty getting comfortable in bed despite all her pillows that are supposed to relieve pain and pressure.

Someone purchased a foam pillow top .I will put that on tomorrow when she’s at her first doctor’s appointment of the week.

I have a feeling that after the results of all her tests, she may be hospitalized again.

Hate the fact that her family didn’t really let her get rest and be by herself some days during her last stay. They were up there everyday until the end of visiting hours, and they called a lot, and then pestered her doctor’s a lot. I know that they love her, but she needs personal and processing space.

She doesn’t enjoy too much company, communication,and visits from anyone anymore…and often vents to me about her family visiting being too much for her to handle.

I remember watching a documentary where it was soon to be the end of a woman’s life and her family wouldn’t stop shoving the camera in her face…even when she reached the point of being in hospice…and she was wriggling around in pain, embarrassment and despair.

The husband who was a jerk, was there every single day all day being a nuisance..her family too.

I could tell that she was embarrassed especially since it displayed some of her family’s secrets and personal affairs that may not have been known at all or by many.. Like when she was living at home going through chemotherapy, there was an incident where her husband yelled at her, was angry, and insulted her because her some of her hair accidentally fell out into the food they ordered for dinner….

While in hospice, he basically pressured and forced her into getting remarried. She told him that she was unwell, self conscious, didn’t want to be seen by others in her state and condition…but he made her do it anyway and guilt tripped her because family had come for the event ..

Or when she had came from a doctor’s appointment and wanted to see the paperwork from her visit, and her husband took it out of her hand while she was reading it and refused to return it..telling her that she didn’t need to see it.

I understand not wanting her to be further depressed and upset by it…but it’s something she has to process and maybe come to terms or an acceptance about. I could tell this controlling abusive behavior happened perhaps the entire courtship …the son and mom looked embarrassed and uncomfortable on camera ..and the son was consoling his mom out of established habit..

I understand that everyone was grieving and in mourning, and that perhaps the grief exasperated, mutated, and pronounced itself differently…in maybe ways that were indistinguishable and non reflective of their natural characters.

She finally got the hopefully tranquil and peaceful transition that she needed. She passed away at night, after visiting hours, without any family being there.

Even though I barely connect and bond emotionally with my fm…I have been sleeping in her room, and trying to connect and gift her the physical intimacy of presence…just like I use to do as a teenager..

This is going to be a long restless night…fm has an early appointment tomorrow and is restless, won’t settle down, wants to converse and asking me a lot of questions….worrying about everything. I hope that the both of us will be able to get some sleep. I wish I were able to comfort and soothe her…