Well my father committed suicide when I was 5 year old, and I have lived with my mother. He became very depressed after his twin died in high school and the stress of his rocky relationship with his parents and surviving brother pushed him into depression. He then turned to drugs and alcohol as a fix, which only made things worse. One of my last memories of my father is being woken up early in the morning by y mother to drive and find my father who had passed out on the side of the road, after that we went home and picked the thorns and seeds out of his clothing while my mother cried. I was four years old. A few years after his death, she remarried another man whom she divorced after a few years. She then was on and off dating women, bringing someone new into out lives for about a year or so until they fell a part and left. I was always heartbroken when this happened because I grew deeply attached to each one of them. She is a strong believer that God does not want us being attracted to the same sex and this is something she struggles with deeply. My mother can be extremely bipolar and narcissistic and this had a detrimental affect on me growing up. She would often lash out at us and her hypocrisy was through the roof. Always acting in the very ways she told us not to. When my father died she became an alcohloic and this continued until a couple years ago (Iʻm only 17). I do understand that she is doing the best she can and she could have just given up on us but I cannot deny the fact that our relationship has been a mostly negative one. During the summer of 8th grade I began “talking” to a guy (I am also a guy). I had never done this before but it felt right and was really nice. Heʻd call me cute and weʻd talk on the phone and spend time at paddling practice together. One night while I was on the phone my mother came in and asked who I was talking to (she was upset, and I do admit I should have been asleep) and I told her I was sorry and hung up (avoiding her question) She then proceeded to take my phone and left. She came back several minutes later and asked my who Kekoa was (the name of the boy) and I told her that he was my friend, she began reading the text he sent after I abruptly hung up on him. He apologized and was asking what happened and said something along the longs of how much he cared about me. She looked directly at me and in an angry, almost disgusted tone she asked if I was gay. With tears in my eyes I told her no because I was extremely afraid and she began to tell me that she was taking away my phone, I was grounded and I would not be continuing paddling since she did not was me to see “this boy” anymore because he was a bad influence. Her words “I will not allow this in my house” will forever be burned into my memory. I think at that moment something inside of me broke, and I have not been the same since. Of course, thereʻs a lot more as I havenʻt even gone through my high school experience or that much in depth with our relationship but this is already so much for you to digest. Hopefully not too much!

Thanks

Kupono

Yes, you got it right. With regards to friends and family, I have spoken with some of them about the situation but not every thing in its entirety. I donʻt feel I am close enough to anyone to really tell them about the whole thing and quite frankly I donʻt think they would care enough either. I am at a loss here.