Dear erin:

You asked: “why do i suffer so much in this life.”

My answer: because you were, as you stated, raped and abused. The fact that you were raped, let’s say, in 2015 (example), does not mean that as the year turns to 2016, the pain is deleted from the computer, from your brain. The pain of past abuse and rape is still there, registered and still hurting in the present. Sometimes you forget and feel no pain, but these are only breaks. The pain is still there. We, humans, suffer most often because other people hurt us.

Are you presently in contact with those who abused you? Is there still abuse going on? And what do you think you can do to make it so over time you hurt less about what happened to you?

anita

Hi anita!

OK, Wow, going to try to put my thoughts/feelings into words….

Heading towards the Light/Good/Divine to me means: Not ruminating on the past and/or bad. Focusing ONLY on the good and/or present moment. I do view everything Good/Noble/True as being of God (I know you may not believe in it/It. To me I get anxious even entertaining the concept of God not existing.) Being Forward Minded.

Carrying on AS IF nothing happened… OK, I DO view bad/evil things that happened as NOT being natural, as being in direct warfare with me. Especially if it comes on the heels while I’m doing something good or in a good place. I know I sound kind of paranoid, but I view issues that come up as being distractions from where I’m supposed to be going. Or to stop me from what I’m supposed to be doing. So I cop an attitude of “NEXT!” LOL

Maybe more on this later, it’s a different mindset, that’s for sure! LOL

Dear Inky:

Of course I have questions, but I will ask only one per post and hope to get your reply. There is just so much in what you wrote, impossible to take in except in small portions.

You wrote: “Not ruminating on the past and/or bad. Focusing ONLY on the good and/or present moment.”

1) Was little girl Inky significantly hurt and scared as a child, again and again, ongoing for long periods of time?

2) Were you ever in the practice of ruminating over your childhood hurts, not focusing on the present? For how long and at what ages?

3) If you did ruminate and then stopped, how old were you then and how did the transformation from rumination to focusing on the present take place? What made it happen, following what…?

4) As you know lots of people ruminate about their childhood hurts and other hurts later on. Why can’t they stop ruminating and focusing on the present? Why can’t they do what you are doing???

There is more and I don’t even know if you will answer these questions, so I will stop here. I am still very, very curious and appreciate your reply so far. If you reply to this as well, I will… well, I will appreciate it so much.

anita

Hi anita,

Well, I am no master LOL. I still have triggers. I still vent. I still have insomnia OR wake up at 3 in the morning. BUT! The every day question I ask myself (Every. Day.) is this: Do I want to live there?

1. Young Inky was hurt by emotional abandonment for sustained periods of time by her Bi-polar, Narcissistic Dad. Who is wonderful to literally everyone (ANYone!) else. She did not see it until she was a teenager. But she BREATHED it, unknowingly, for a decade.

2. When Young Inky was an adult, it was IN HER FACE. So much, in fact, that the PRESENT moment became a sanctuary. “Is my Dad being a dick right this minute in front of my face? No? OK, cool, let’s have fun!”

3. Books by Wayne Dyer and Eckert Tolle helped Inky in her thirties. Also her local Buddhist Meditation Center.

4. People become attached to their pain because if they gave it up they believe that their hurt didn’t matter, or, worse, that THEY don’t matter. I transmute my hurt into Prayer. By focusing on The Creator, The Universe, The Good, whatever you want to call Him/It, I can derive some sort of comfort by going above and beyond my Issue of Choice (Dad!)

OK, Wow, very therapeutic to write this!

Have to go, maybe more later!!

Dear erin:

If you are following this, please feel free to occupy your own thread, the one you started!

* Dear Inky:

I had Inky on my mind last night, trying to figure her out. My goodness, it was very difficult to me. A few times in the process I panicked. I am letting you know because I am thinking that maybe this will flatter you, that you were thought about, that I find you fascinating. And of course I couldn’t figure out anything more than the little I figured before this very thread, from previous posts over the months. Maybe I see more clearly this morning. I think that in your most recent posts you are bolder than ever, saying it like it is for you. I like it!

You and I, I believe, are such opposites in our very basic beliefs about life and living at this point. My goodness, such opposites. The thing is, you never asked me for my analysis of you and it is not my business to provide you with such, as limited as it is. I find you fascinating, again, and will leave it as is. I also believe that a best seller book “The Best of Inky’s” posts selected from the record here on tiny buddha comprising that book, would make you a lot of money, or could. I am not a business person but it seems to me that such a selection is brilliant, entertaining and a thrill to read, right on the money with its simplicity. But the posts would have to be selected from all the available posts.

This is what is important to me: to be respectful to each other on this site. I do feel appreciation and respect for you. If you ever feel that I am disrespectful to you, please let me know. I will do the same. Today I replied to a post and read your comment before I replied. I thought that what you suggested should be greatly discouraged, so I expressed my position with what you wrote in mind. I didn’t mention your name as I replied and my intent was not to discredit you. I hope this sits well with you. When you read a reply by me and you disagree with it, I am fine with you stating your opinion opposite to mine, if you do not mention my name (so it is not personal) and do so in a way that is not hostile toward me personally.

As I disagreed with a reply you posted today, I did not feel anger or think of you disrespectfully but I saw the need to express my opposite stand on the issue. Again, nothing personal- my attention was on the issue, not on you when I typed my reply.

Because we are so different, respect is very important, mutual respect.

If you ever have the desire to know more about what I think (no requirement that it would matter to you!)- please let me know. There is no reason, and it is not appropriate for me to dump on you something you didn’t request!

My very best wishes to you, Inky!
anita

I dont know how i orginally stumbled upon tiny buddha, but on more than once it has been just what i needed. I read post especially from Inky and Anita and wonder if everyone is ok but me. I also though recognize so much pain in others here. I continue to be overwhelmed by fear not knowing whats next. I used to be a social working helping others and very good at i was. But the one person i dont seem to be able to help is myself. I havent worked in nearly 2 years today im a hotel w/my daughter. My depression is beyond darkness…i dont know how to rise up no money, resources or anything else. My support system consist of a friend 200 miles away and coming here to try and find some wisdom or a kind thought. Sometimes im awake for hours asking God to heal me help me but seem to have little faith in that happening. I try to be thankful everyday for having a roof over my head food or just the beauty of the outdoors. I have felt liky i was dying for months and a few days ago felt i had finally died inside there was nothing left. I am humiliated and exhausted. I dont know what to do to make it better or even how to start over. I find myself missing my parents..i want someone to rescue me i know that wont happen but i dont know how to rescue myself. I guess i posted this as a release. Of course much like all the people buying powerball tickets are dreaming of life changing wealth, i guess maybe on some level im dreaming that someone will post a list of what i need to do or how do i save myself. As always thanks for being there and for all the good thoughts…it does mean something

Hi Erin, so sorry to hear about the horrible pain and suffering in your life. It’s hard to make meaning of things like that, but I read a book recently that might help you understand it. It’s called “Your Soul’s Plan”, by Robert Schwartz and it has case studies of people who had some incredible hardships, but were able to understand how that fits into their soul’s journey.