This post relates to the “Apartment noise and fear” post I made a week ago, so if you wish check it out–there’s a lot of necessary background info there to set up what’s going on with me now.

I’m writing this because it seems nothing is working. Each day I wake up with a lot of anxiety deep in my abdomen (where it can lead to panic attacks, as I’ve experienced in years past). I make myself get up, go to the gym, and keep myself occupied throughout a good portion of the day. Anxiety is less when I’m doing things. When 5pm creeps up on me (as it will be in about half an hour), the anxiety begins to build more. This is because 5pm is generally when the people in the apartment below get home from work. They aren’t unreasonably loud, but as the “Apartment noise and fear” post indicates I am interpreting noises as simple as walking on the floor and the closing of doors as threats. I’m so caught up in emotion mind that my limbic system becomes so overworked…that even the smallest automatic thought (such as “oh no, they’re home”) very quickly leads to vast amounts of anxiety. As it gets dark outside, I invariably think “am I going to have another terrible, panicked night?” and a bunch of other automatic thoughts, and soon I think I’m going to panic and I’m reduced to a sobbing mess.

I do skills, all the time. I tell myself, factually, there is no danger from the very reasonable amount of noise downstairs. My reason mind believes that fact. But the emotion mind is ruling me, seemingly no matter what skills I use or how often I use them…my emotion mind believes “I’m in danger, I’ve got to hide, help, the slightest sound will hurt me”, and my muscles tense up.

I use skills to counter these things, saying to myself things like “I am ok. These are just thoughts, and they’re not facts. Let the thoughts slide away into nothingness.” Some skills I use: conscious deep breathing, tai chi (in the morning, usually), giving my suffering away to a higher power, reading, closing my eyes and envisioning a peaceful scene, asking others for support, being mindful of the moment and not trying to push away the feelings or escape from the scene…

…but none of these skills seem to last. If they were to last, maybe I’d get some quality sleep and calm and my limbic system wouldn’t be so easily tipped toward panic. I go to sleep after crying, have unrestful sleep, and wake up with a ton of anxiety. This has been happening for several weeks. Lately I’ve been trying to “cope-ahead”–in this case, lying down earlier in the day and practicing being in the anxiety-filled evening, and doing several minutes of practiced breathing. My therapist says it might take 3 or 4 days to work; I’ve tried it for two days.

But I’m not hopeful. My emotion mind is ruling me, and it seems it will believe hardly anything my wise mind says. Generally, when I realize this each night, I try to be in the moment and describe something, either in my head or in my room, in order to distract or focus on something else. But it never sticks.

I see my therapist once a week, I have a psychiatrist (who just upped my SSRI dosage a couple days ago after I told him about this), there’s a DBSA (Depression Bipolar Support Alliance) group I go to on Wednesdays (though admittedly anxiety, while comorbid a lot of the time, is technically outside the group’s stated purpose). But nothing is lasting.

I’m still going. I’m still practicing. I’ve had suicidal thoughts, but no plan, and they aren’t pervasive.

I just want the suffering to end. And I keep reading that I have the power to make it end. But I cannot see the power.

So whatever suggestions, kind words, or support this community can offer me, please do. Just please don’t suggest that the downstairs neighbors are being unreasonable–they truly aren’t, I’ve actually talked with them a bit.