I was in a 2 year relationship where he had another woman for 16 months. During this tine he emotional, verbally broke me down. I started to doubt my reality. He would put the phone on mute when she would come over at night (we are long distance). I was deteriorating, almost contemplated  man most darkest thoughts. I still held on. The day before I found about everything he injured my neck…I now have two disc bulges in my neck. He stated I kept accusing him of cheating and all he wanted to do was love me….after six hours of torture I found out about everything. After all the abuse, lies, cheating and torture I took him back. He promised if I took him back I would be the happiest woman, he got my name tattooed. 8 months after he stated I should be over what he did to me. I experienced a little PTSD from what he did to me. My stomach would hurt if I drove by certain places. I would have nightmares. I still did not trust him and this would make him very angry. He said I was putting him in a box, he not a cheater, he was in a very dark place. When I would explain what’s happening I was comforted with derogatory names.

I know one may ask why would I put up with such poor treatment, why don’t you just leave. I wish it was that simple. I truly loved this man, and wanted to believe he loved me. I say all this to say I finally left….I just need support. I know there’s a lack from within that I will need to heal. I’m ashamed and feel alone. I left despite his constant threats on how he was going to kill me. He would say there’s only one way out but treat me less than. My feelings never matter, it was alllll about him. I could never finish my sentences before cutting me off. He would say I was a bad investment…which caused for me not leave my bed for the day.

I had hoped we would get through this. I second guess myself with thought…. well maybe if I would trust him more, but it was hard. He refused to go to therapy. He forbid to me to go and to talk about what happen. He said he does not give permission for me to talk about him to someone he does not know.  I cut him off. It only been a few days. Do abusers change ? How to move on and not care when he dates someone new?

Thank you