The last couple of years have been really tough. I lost my job and took six months to get a new one. I left my partner (literally left while he was at work) because he was treated me disrespectfully and I refused to put up with it any longer, making myself and my son homeless in the process. Then ended in in hospital with pneumonia (at a usual healthy 35) I think I was vulnerable to illness just from allowing myself to get so low and having gone through traumatic year.

Things are definitely now on the up, have worked things out with my partner and we are moving into a new house this summer. He booked a trip away while we were apart and left to go yesterday . I have work so can’t go. All I have ever wanted for the last three years is to go on holiday. I need it, it feeds my soul and I’ve been so desperate for a break but life has conspired against me. Debts got in way, having to pay bills and make ends meet meant never having the cash. My job is also restrictive meaning I can never get time off when it’s cheaper. My partner isn’t really into holidaying like I am or in the way I like to so he doesn’t prioritise it and I suppose he doesn’t have to.

But today I can not stop crying. I cry whenever I think about not getting away. Is it fear of missing out? Am I being selfish? I feel so so devastated that again I’m not going away and I can’t decide whether it’s jealousy either. (He’s been away through work a couple of times recently) I just feel like I never get the one thing that makes me so happy, life is always working against me there.

So so emotional and can’t seem to recognise what the issue is to make sense and gain some control back of my emotions