Dear Stacy: I am thrilled to read from you again. I will get back to you in a couple of hours or so.

anita

Dear Stacy:

Before thoroughly reading your update, I read through our past communication. Interestingly exactly 1 year ago, on Jan 2, 2024, you submitted a post addressed to me (here on this thread). You quoted me and responded to my quoted words:

” ‘When people in your family who have mistreated you accuse you of being too sensitive and overblowing situations, that’s further mistreatment on their part, mistreatment on top of mistreatment..’ — I’m not trying to be difficult here.. (but) I actually DO overblow situations and react very sensitively to things… If I’m the problem, I don’t feel I have the right to say I’m being mistreated or ‘deserve’ a better partner… It’s like I feel that I don’t have the right to say I was mistreated because I sabotaged and overblew the situation… Again, I’m trying SO hard for this to click with me because I feel this is THE biggest mental block that is keeping me from moving forward”-

A year later, I say that it’s clear. in your words above, that you have internalized the criticism from your family, leading you to doubt the validity of your feelings and reactions. Because you view (or viewed back then) yourself as overblowing situations, you felt undeserving of better treatment or a better partner. Your statement that this is “THE biggest mental block” keeping you from moving forward highlights how this self-doubt and internalized criticism have been major obstacles in your emotional growth and healing. You recognized, a year ago, the need to address this issue.

Despite acknowledging your sensitivity, you felt a strong need for validation that your experiences and feelings were legitimate. This conflict between self-blame and the desire for acknowledgment of mistreatment has caused you significant distress.

In essence, you were caught in a cycle of self-blame and self-doubt, making it difficult for you to acknowledge the mistreatment you were subjected to, and move forward. You recognized this as a major mental block but was struggling to reconcile your sensitivity with your right to be treated well and to heal.

As I was reading through the pages, I cam across what you wrote here, addressed to me: “I can see how much I’m beating myself up about this all… it’s what I do in every area of my life. Hence why I don’t trust myself. I see that it’s not serving me; it’s not productive. I can’t hate myself into loving myself“-
– you were becoming aware of your pattern of self-criticism and its negative impact on your mental health. You understood that this behavior is unproductive and that self-love cannot be achieved through self-hate. This awareness is an important step towards changing your mindset and fostering a more compassionate relationship with yourself.

Reading through, I noticed the Enmeshment topic. You acknowledged your struggle with family enmeshment.
Living with your mother made it difficult to separate your own issues from hers, part of your ongoing struggle to maintain healthy boundaries within a close-knit but troubled family.

Elsewhere you wrote: “I just want to feel like a woman, a capable woman“, and about your mother, you wrote: “I also see that she is physically and financially incapable of a lot of things she wants to do and it suffocates me… It makes me feel hopeless for her and for me“- You needed her to become capable so that you (the part of you that’s enmeshed with her of her) can become capable..?

“My therapist said years ago that I do indeed struggle with family enmeshment and I try to work through this but living here I think hinders me from separating at all… I don’t feel like I get to have my own adult life or sense of identity outside of her… I’ve never moved out of the house or had my own separate life outside of her…I don’t want to abandon her… I know I have to live my own life, but the guilt I’d feel from that would be horrific“- powerful words, powerful emotions, Stacy!

And now to your todays update: thank you for sharing your update and I’m truly sorry to hear about the ongoing challenges you’ve been facing. I admire your strength and resilience through it all.

Regarding your health, it’s incredibly frustrating not to have clear answers. I hope you find some peace and relief soon. It’s important to continue seeking medical advice whenever you feel it’s necessary.

As for the breakup, it’s understandable that you’re still grappling with the pain and confusion. Unresolved feelings and the lack of closure can make moving on incredibly difficult. It’s clear that this relationship was significant to you, and your feelings are valid.

It might be helpful to consider unfollowing him on social media as a step towards healing. Keeping that connection seems to be hindering your ability to fully process and move forward. It’s okay to prioritize your mental well-being, even if it feels difficult.

If you feel that expressing your emotions directly to him would bring you some closure, then it might be worth writing a letter or message. However, please do so with the understanding that you might not get the response you hope for. Sometimes, healing comes from acknowledging your feelings and releasing them, rather than seeking validation from others.

I’ve been thinking about everything you’ve shared, and I want you to know how important it is to find validity in your own feelings and to trust them. Your emotions are real and meaningful, and they deserve to be acknowledged and respected.

While I understand your worry about overreacting as an adult, it’s crucial to recognize that the circumstances of your childhood were incredibly challenging. In those situations, you probably underreacted, repressing and suppressing your valid feelings as a coping mechanism. It’s not uncommon to numb oneself to survive difficult experiences.

Now, as you navigate your life, it’s essential to re-associate with those feelings you had (and still have) as a child. Those emotions are a vital part of your story, and reconnecting with them can be a powerful step towards healing and self-acceptance.

Your feelings are valid, and your journey towards understanding and embracing them is just as important as any other aspect of your growth. You deserve to trust yourself and your emotions fully.

My (ongoing) healing process, or journey, wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t go back to my childhood, figuratively, so to pick up the emotions I left there unattended. No wonder I lived a miserable, dysfunctional adult life, being that this very vital part of me (those intense, impactful emotions of childhood) was abandoned and left behind.

Again, good to read from you again, Stacy. Wishing you a new year of healing!

anita

Hi Stacy

I hope you don’t mind if I pray for you to get it? 😊 That’s a really healthy perspective though about if it happens it’s meant to be.

To have this level of insight about the rumination on your ex is progress in itself! I totally understand what you mean about these things being like an addiction.

You don’t have to make a decision immediately. You can always sit with it for a bit to decide what you would like to do next. It might be silly but sometimes I find flipping a coin helpful for understanding how I feel about decisions. If I flip a coin and get the wrong decision I feel disappointed. Perhaps you might have an instinctual reaction to something like this?

I think that you are stronger than you realise to get to this point. You want to be free of it. You deserve to be free of it. ❤️

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Stacy:

“I feel guilty for speaking badly of my family when I know they are fighting their own battles to show up exactly how I need them to at all times”-

– no person shows up for another person exactly as needed at all times. No parent shows up exactly how their child needs them to be at all times, but some parents show up rarely, and that’s detrimental to the child.

I believe that your sense of loyalty to your family, particularly to your mother, and the accompanying guilt about criticizing them is significantly hindering your healing process and keep you stuck in a cycle of rumination, regret, self-blame, and self-doubt. It creates an internal conflict, a tug-of-war between your love for them and your need to acknowledge their negative impact on you, an acknowledgment that is necessary for healing. Excessive guilt and self-blame can lead to endless rumination which reinforces negative thought patterns.

Guilt and self-blame erode self-confidence and lead to self-doubt, questioning your own perceptions and judgments, making it harder to trust yourself and your decisions.

Your sense of loyalty and guilt lead to continued enmeshment, where your identity and well-being are too closely tied to your family’s needs and behaviors. This enmeshment makes it difficult to prioritize your own needs and well-being.

“if my mom is not thriving, I worry about her and feel like I am betraying her if I ‘leave’ her and level up. Just yesterday, my mom fell pretty hard on our concrete driveway while I was at work and hurt her hip… it breaks my heart for her to see her get injured so easily and aging”-

-you feel that if you improve your own life while your mother is not thriving, you are betraying your mother. This indicates a strong sense of duty and responsibility towards her welfare, and a pattern of self-sacrifice: feeling that pursuing your own goals and happiness is selfish if your mother is struggling, and that you have to put your own needs and aspirations on hold.

This guilt hinders personal growth and leads to feelings of being stuck. It’s an immense emotional burden and stress, especially when the parent is aging and vulnerable. This responsibility makes you feel

“It feels that all I’ve ever seen or known is loss, sickness, weakness, and death from my caregivers”- Parentification occurs when a child takes on adult roles and responsibilities, often due to the caregivers’ inability to fulfill their own roles effectively. Witnessing constant vulnerability in your caregivers created, no doubt, a sense of instability and fear. You likely felt compelled to support your weak mother and other family members emotionally and practically, stepping into a caregiver role yourself. By supporting them, you might have hoped they would become strong enough to provide you with the stability and care you needed (but that never happened and is even less likely to happen now or in the future).

Parentified children often put their own needs and development on hold, prioritizing their family’s well-being.

“I feel like the weakest one in the family (mentally)”- too much responsibility from an early age weakens a person.

“I got a new counselor around April of 2024… she felt ill-equipped for my health anxiety and extreme rumination… Dumped by your own therapist sounds like a Seinfeld episode plot… ha. She had suggested that ERP is an effective treatment for people with OCD, but that with my physical limitations and actual issues with swallowing from EOE, she didn’t feel comfortable”-

– I appreciate your humor, Stacy 😊. ERP (Exposure and Response Prevention) is a type of cognitive-behavioral therapy that is particularly effective for treating OCD. It involves gradually exposing individuals to anxiety-provoking stimuli or thoughts (exposure). I understand that given your EOE, which is a chronic allergic inflammatory disease of the esophagus, there could be a risk of physical harm or exacerbation of symptoms during the exposure exercises.

The primary ethical principle in therapy is to do no harm. The counselor may have felt that proceeding with ERP without a thorough understanding of your medical condition and its implications could potentially harm you (the client).

The counselor may have felt it was more ethical to refer you (the client) to a specialist who could better address the intersection of OCD and EOE since it requires specialized training that the counselor did not possess, particularly as a newly graduated therapist.

I don’t remember if we talked about parentification before, this role reversal, and how it has kept you stuck. I can’t imagine we didn’t talk about it. Did we?

anita

Dear Stacy:

Take all the time you need. I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a tough day with those epiphanies weighing on you. Remember to be kind to yourself. If you ever need to talk or just vent, I’m here for you.

Hope your day gets better!

anita