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Failure at relationships

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  • #109117
    Miss.Lex
    Participant

    I don’t know how to begin this post, but I can state that I feel defeated and hurt. I am currently sad because I find myself investing too much again in relationships (even potential relationships). All of my past relationships ended and I thought it was due to the lack of a strong foundation. I’ve done a lot of reflection on my actions and decisions in these relationships and concluded to myself next time I will do better to share myself and my feelings with someone that would be different. A person that I would be friends with first, a person that I can develop trust with first. In doing so, I fell deeply for my friend and expressed my feelings and he reciprocated those feelings at the time back in November.

    However, later I was feeling more than he wanted. I was wanting more of a relationship and he did not. So I told him to that it would be best to be friends in February. When I stated that his actions did change (stopped calling, texting, and checking in). All actions that I liked. I never expressed this to him. Instead I avoided him and tried to forget my feelings. Two months or so later we kissed, which lead to casual sex. I thought I could do this without the intention being in a relationship. We acted like really good friends (had deep conversations, went out together alone/in a group) when we weren’t physical. I kept telling myself do not place any expectations on this “friend-relationship” and go with the flow. I liked that it was not labeled anything. It felt different, new, and relaxing. I truly like this person and still do.

    Yesterday we had a conversation where he just hurt my feelings. This conversation basically had him stating that he doesn’t find it exciting, that he doesn’t relationship, and even admitted that he isn’t giving his all to it. He even stated that it isn’t 100% there. He did state multiple times that he was unsure what he was thinking that this “friend-relationship” would be like. I sat there quietly, crying and tried not make generalizations in my head. He also later said that he does enjoy talking to me and that he doesn’t have someone who can push him to think differently about the world. He appreciates that about me.

    —————————————

    I am sorry. I don’t how to provide any more context. I just feel extremely hurt because I just feel like I am never good enough for anyone that I decide to invest my love. Even at a friendship level. I always feel like guys look at me as a sexual object and only in lustful ways. I don’t present myself in a sexual way and I don’t understand. It makes me feel that I don’t have anything special about myself that is worth investing.

    I can constantly tell me myself otherwise, but it doesn’t seem true since it feels like I am doing it alone.

    I don’t know what else to say, or do, but to just cry.

    #109132
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Hi Lexie,

    First off, you’re not alone!

    Second, you wrote that you feel like you are never good enough for anyone that you decide to invest your love in. I’d like you to focus on that statement right there and ask yourself why you would feel that way? Investigate the core belief that keeps you running after someone who just can’t give you what you want, what you need, and most importantly what you deserve.

    Because you do deserve better than someone who strings you along like that. It’s nothing against him, he obviously has his own issues to face before he can commit to a relationship and it’s certainly not a reflection on you or anything that you’re doing “wrong”.

    I’ll repeat that: you have many excellent qualities I’m sure, it is simply that the other person in this equation is not able to see them because of his own unresolved problems. You are doing nothing wrong!

    What was the moment in your life that made you think you weren’t special or worthy enough to be loved? Think hard and journal it out because it may be hidden. It’s not an easy or happy task to do but it’s one that will certainly change your relationships for the better.

    Keep posting and know that the TB community is always here to listen!

    Cheers and good luck,

    M

    #109143
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lexie:

    I would like to understand better what happened in this relationship. You wrote that you expressed your feelings to this guy in November, he reciprocated the expression, started a relationship,

    “However, later I was feeling more than he wanted. I was wanting more of a relationship and he did not.”- What were you feeling that was more than he wanted; what did you want more of the relationship than he did? Did you express this to him? What did he say when -and if- you did?

    “So I told him to that it would be best to be friends in February. When I stated that his actions did change (stopped calling, texting, and checking in). All actions that I liked.”- when you told him it is best to be friends, doesn’t it mean that you expressed to him that you were ending, right there and then, the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship? And so, him stopping calling, etc. was because the bf/gf relationship ended, isn’t it so?

    anita

    #109156
    Miss.Lex
    Participant

    To Anita: I can see how it was a little unclear. We never started an “official” relationship. I suppose you could say that we were dating (trying to get to know each other) back in November until February. Around February I was seeing myself develop stronger feelings for him by wanting to spend more time with each other, wanting to kiss more often, etc. I noticed from his actions that he was not feeling the same way. So I addressed it by having a conversation with him about what he was looking for (he stated that he wasn’t sure, but still didn’t want a relationship). When I heard his response, I told him that it was best to be friends because I didn’t want to get hurt in the long run. When I told him that, he asked me if I was sure that is what I wanted, and I said yes. So we decided to be friends. My hope was that I would get to know him more as a friend by still communicating how we did before when we were getting to know each other, but without the intimacy. However, he changed. Stopped texting, calling, and being interested. So I thought I shouldn’t invest in being really great friends, but distance ones. That went on until April.

    In May, we kissed and we started being more physically intimate, as well as doing more “couple-like” activities. Going to the movies/dinner/coffee alone together, hanging around a group but always being near each other, texting daily…all things that I thought would lead to something more. However, now here I am when we had our most recent conversation (the third paragraph in my original post).

    I hope that provides more a context and clarity.

    #109157
    Miss.Lex
    Participant

    To Maria Mango:

    I agree with what you stated that it is not on him. It is just challenging for me to fully embrace those thoughts, when I am feeling deep emotions of pain and hurt.

    You have definitely provided two questions that I need to explore and discover. I am not quite sure and will have to think on it (and journal). I am also unsure what conclusions I would find, but I will definitely post it here just to express it.

    I think that it will also help me determine what kind of friendship I would like to maintain with this person (or even if I want to maintain any type of relationship with them).

    Thank you for your kind and supportive words.

    #109161
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Lexie,

    You are very welcome! I feel where you’re coming from, it’s so hard to objectively see a situation when you are feeling so hurt. I really hope things improve for you soon! In the meantime, journaling, posting, and answering those questions should help you sort out your feelings a little bit.

    Best of luck,

    M

    #109162
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lexie:

    I am clearer now, thank you. I think it is a terrible thing to get into a physically intimate relationship with a man and it being a long interview process. It is like you are telling the guy: here is my body; here are my emotions, here is my all, now- will you be my boyfriend? And then it is up to him. Not a good strategy and I am… an expert in ineffective strategies. This is one of those.

    I agree with the friendship concept, getting to know each other without physical intimacy, only do this first. If the guy is not interested to get to know you, and is interested only in a casual relationship involving physical intimacy, then he will withdraw from you- but that will be before you invest your body in it and more emotions that go with investing the body in it.

    If you need a proof that this is a bad strategy, simply observe the dynamic and results: you met an uninterested (in a deeper relationship) kind of guy, with you, at this time in his life, whatever. So you invested body+ emotions and he was still not interested. Then you went to “friends only” and he withdrew; then back to physical intimacy and repeat of first phase: casual relationship with physical intimacy, no more.

    Re-arrange order of events: friends only, no physical intimacy FIRST. If he withdraws- fine, gone. Next guy, same process- and if the next guy, or the guy after the next becomes a closer friend without physical intimacy and expresses to you an interest in the Real Thing- the whole thing- then you go to friendship+ physical intimacy, a girlfriend/ boyfriend official relationship.

    No more submitting all of you for a guy in hopes of being approved of or accepted for the position of a girlfriend. Learn who he is, what he wants first.

    anita

    #109176
    John
    Participant

    The fact that you can continually find people who want to invest time in getting to know you and that they allow you to get close to them is a good sign. It’s normal. People want to give you a chance and it’s a good thing when either you or they identify that you aren’t a good fit.

    I assure you it is absolutely natural to fall in and out of love with people. It’s not like you’ve never been in a relationship before at all. You have options. Be thankful and don’t settle for anyone who isn’t the right fit.

    #109178
    pink24
    Participant

    Hey Lexie,

    Maybe it’s not so much about being hurt over this guy but really thinking if this guy fits the bill for you. Just because we are honest about wanting a relationship and someone gets involved with us doesn’t mean a relationship is what they want. Sometimes, guys just don’t mind where they get action from. Seriously. What helps me is this Maya Angelou quote -‘If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time’ Love that.

    So keep your eyes open. The right guy will come. And forget about this guy. Obvie he doesn’t want what you want, he said so. S Take a day of mourning – eat ice cream, watch Lifetime– and MOVE ON! You are SO awesome. And I say that because you actually know what you want, and you’ve done the work to get it. That’s worth celebrating, I tell you that.

    All the best,
    Pink 🙂

    #109270
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Not sure that I would agree that all examples of putting time in are equally good indicators. Same for letting you get close to them. I would think that the quality of time along with the quantity to time and context are important.

    Let’s say that a person just wants sex. They will still put in the time to get what they want. They will allow you to go get close, at least physically.

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