I don’t know what she sees at her fathers house. These are the exact behaviours that I was on the receiving end of when we were “together”. I’ve also seen him treat his mother the same way. I had to stand in between the two of them once as it looked like he was going to hit her. The girlfriend wouldn’t be getting that treatment just yet. It’s still early days.

Every second word out of his mouth is the “f word” or “c word”, so I guarantee my child was exposed to that by him (I don’t cuss, ever. I think it’s vile and makes the person look and sound uneducated)

It’s entirely possible that my child is picking up some of this behaviour elsewhere, but this all started developing as an infant, and as a stay at home mom, there wasn’t a lot of opportunity for outside influences (ie. Daycare)

I do think there is a lot of anxiety there and that it’s manifesting as anger and aggression. I have organised therapy, but it hasn’t started yet.

I do my very best to create a calm environment for my child. Anyone who is a parent knows that it’s impossible to maintain 100% of the time. I have been a lot better since withholding contact – and so has my child. I have no doubt my own stress and anxieties are an influence. I have no problem admitting that. Which is part of the reason why things have to change. I’ve done countless parenting classes, counselling sessions, therapy, anything that comes my way to help, I’m grabbing onto with a vice-like grip… Because I want change. I want the very best for my child.

I suppose that’s what I mean. Of course on the flipside, the anxiety of the mediation and pending court case, as well the “unknown” future, and fear of the outcome has replaced the anxiety of dealing with him.

So I’m not really any less anxious. Just a different kind of anxious.

Not that I’ve noticed. Enjoy re reading the saga that is my life lol.

Hi Anita

Yes, I’m using he/she/my child interchangeably to protect my child, and myself.

I still stand by what I said about my cutting ties, and you were spot on when suggesting it yourself. However I’m scared that doing so will eventually bite me. If I were to do so, and he decides to take me to court, I would be frowned upon for not attempting to do everything in my power to ensure my child maintains a relationship with my ex, and being viewed as just a woman scorned. If I were to produce my evidence (or lack there of) of abuse and neglect at that stage, the question would be asked why I didn’t go down the legal path myself, to protect my child.

That said, and in hindsight, I feel that I’ve probably taken the wrong path. It is possibly too late as I’m already in too deep. Can’t exactly pull out now. I’ve already told him that if he completes xyz, he will be able to see his child again. I was hoping that if I put enough obstacles in his way, he would give up. It doesn’t seem like that’s the direction it’s heading though. I think, best case scenario is that I drag it out as long as I possibly can. The process would be much more difficult for him in terms of practicality as I don’t need to take time off work, and don’t need to rely on public transport or other people to get me to mediation, lawyers appointments, court, etc.

As for being too old, to drunk and too busy with his girlfriend to be involved, that’s a possibility. He has already pulled back about 75% by not wanting to have anything to do with our child outside of his visitation since the gf came on the scene. (Heck, he hasn’t even requested to see our child at all since I pulled visitation! Not even for Christmas!)
However, his mother would never allow him to pull out 100%. She adores our child and I’m pretty sure it would kill her if she never got to see her only grandchild again. Might be a different story if he’s gotten his new gf pregnant (which I suspect he may have), and there’s another grandchild to spoil and destroy like she did her own children. I don’t know. I’m just speculating.
I remember having a discussion with a friend of mine back in the days not long after I left him. I said to her “I wish he would just find himself a girlfriend and leave us the hell alone”. Be careful what you wish for, eh?

I would think, as an older male, he would be more likely to want a relationship with his child. I think I’ve said it before; he has absolutely nothing good in his life (in my opinion). He is a lost soul who never experienced the innocent and unconditional love of a child, and not just any child (his gf has children), but his own flesh and blood. He received no love or stability as a child from his own father. He has no education due to dropping out of school at age 15, no life experience due to daily drinking since the age of 15, and completely dependant on others because he has been handed everything to him on a plate and enabled by his mother and siblings, and a defeatist attitude with no desire or drive to fix any of that. My child is the little ray of sunshine that makes his life worth living.

The main reason that I have been pushing so hard for a father-child relationship is because, if it goes to court for whatever reason, I MUST be seen as to be encouraging a meaningful relationship between him and his child. The way I see it, the better I look in the eyes of the law, the worse he looks. I need to give him just enough rope so that he can (metaphorically) hang himself. The other reason is that I don’t want my child to hate me in 10 years because I stopped him from knowing his dad. Everyone has told me from the start; “when the child is old enough, they will see his true colours and come to that conclusion on their own”. I can’t risk that. Because He lives the lifestyle of a teenager, he will be known as the “fun parent”, where as I will be the “strict parent”. As a child, with no concept of responsibility, which would you rather live with?

My dream was for my children to have 2 amazing parents who loved them and each other unconditionally. This is part of the reason I’ve been trying so hard to change him and get him to grow up and see things from my point of view. I have said numerous times that “I only want what’s best for my child”, and I meant it. The problem is, he’s not changing and I have done nothing but make myself sick in the process. Thinking about is, I don’t even think completing XYZ will make a difference. He’ll do it just to tick the boxes, and nothing will change. I would put money on it.

Because, if I don’t, and he takes me to court over it, I could lose my child altogether for parental alienation.

That is part of my problem. What I want, and what is the right thing to do according to the law are 2 completely different things.

I know that going down the legal path will mean that he will still have visitation rights. Unless he’s a mass murderer, he has his rights.
So, when that happens, I need to be prepared. I need to know that he’s all in, or not at all. Also, I need to know my child will be safe in his presence. This wishy-washy “only in when it suits me” attitude has to stop, and what I have been doing over the last 6 years has not been working, so I changed tactics to get him to change. I want my child to have a father figure and a relationship with his extended family. Best case scenario for my child is that he sees the error of his ways and completely changes everything about himself. Is it likely to happen? No way. But, at least then the courts will know who made 110% of the effort, and who made none. I will have a better chance of removing his parental responsibility that way.

Youre right, I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I’m sorry that I’m being so unclear. I know what I’m trying to do, but it’s not coming across that way huh.

Thank you for your input. It is much appreciated.

Ok, so let’s work this from a different angle. Forget my exs behaviour for a moment. He is what he is, and there’s not enough classes in the world to change him. So, how do I stop him from getting to me so much, even with no contact between him and I? I want to Stop being so stressed about it. How do I relax and heal my fragile body and mind?