Dear Unique:

I want to understand the situation better, therefore I ask regarding the beginning of the situation:

You wrote: “When I first meet him I thought he was ugly, disgusting, weird you name it”-

– what about him was ugly, disgusting and weird?

– did you tell him then or at any time later that he was ugly, disgusting, weird (and you name it)?

anita

Dear Unique:

In July 2018 you worked as Security Officer in a mall and C worked as a Loss Prevention Officer in one of the anchor stores in the same mall, day shifts. You often saw him and spoke to him on the phone. This is what you thought of him: “I thought he was ugly, disgusting, weird, you name it“.

I asked you what you mean by ugly, disgusting, weird and you-name-it and you answered that you “didn’t find him attractive at all, and his loud behavior irritated me cause I could barely work”-

– I understand that his loud behavior turned you off, it would have turned me off too. But I want to look at the “ugly, disgusting, weird, you name it” part that has to do with him not being physically attractive: it could be things like.. maybe a gap in between his front teeth.. maybe he was too short..  or his shoulders narrow.. or his nose too long or wide or crooked.. maybe he walked with a bit of a limp.. maybe his eyebrows were too close together.. things like that.

Why think of these and/ or other physical body features which he didn’t choose, imperfections perhaps as ugly, disgusting and weird? I mean, you are imperfect too. Try to be more tolerant and gentle in your thoughts regarding your own physical features and others’. Don’t be quick to judge and crucify people because of how they look.

By January 2019, you left your job at the mall and found a job elsewhere, working the nightshift. You were on Bumble and came across him there and matched with him, first as a gag, a prank, a joke because you still thought he was ugly, disgusting, weird, and you name it. And soon enough, when you first started talking, you told him that you thought that he was ugly, disgusting, weird and you name it.

When you told him that he didn’t like it. Who would like hearing such things. I wouldn’t, you wouldn’t, he didn’t.

You then talked for five months, at one time every day, shared personal details, got to know him, and you were “becoming very close” with each other, sent selfies of each other, there was some sexual talk and pictures and you were “crushing hard”.

All through this he remembers what you told him. It was nothing much for you to say it to him, but it was something for him to hear it. And the words remained in his mind, replaying from time to time. He probably didn’t tell you that it bothered him, it is not manly, many men believe, to express hurt.

April 1, your birthday, you worked an overnight shift and the plan was that he will  visit you at work (throughout the months of talking you saw each other rarely because he worked the day shift and you worked the night shift). He never showed up. The next day he told you that he “wasn’t comfortable talking to” you anymore because people at his work are giving him a hard time for talking to you.

And you “went into a deep depression for about 3 months”.

January 2020 he reached out to you, said he was sorry and “All those feelings” you had before came back. And he told you that he had a girlfriend. A week ago he told you that they broke up because her family didn’t approve of him, the two of you talked daily.

Four nights ago, you went to his apartment and ended up having sex. “it was amazing. All those feelings came back all in one night”. Two nights ago you found out that he is still in a relationship with his girlfriend, and you were “completely devastated”. You tried to talk to him but he didn’t respond, so you confronted him in a group chat and he blocked you and deactivated all his social media.

“Do I tell his girlfriend? How should I handle this situation?”-

My answer: don’t tell his girlfriend and don’t try to reach him anymore. If he ever reaches out to you in the future apologize to him for telling him that he was ugly, disgusting, weird and you name it. Tell him you were rude to him, that you were ignorant to judge him for his physical imperfections while you yourself are physically imperfect, while everyone you know is imperfect. Tell him that you will try to not think this way about people, to be less judgmental about the way they look. Tell him that it is not fair to judge people and shame people for how they look.

I understand that you are in pain, you fell in love with him and he will have nothing to do with you, it hurts especially because you finally had sex with him and it was amazing. But sometimes we suffer the consequences of what we do wrong, and this is one of these times. I think he was hurt about what you told him back in the beginning of 2019 and angry. He put aside his anger some of the time but it came up once in a while.

I hope you learn from this experience. If you do learn, you will not make the same mistake again and you will find yourself in the future in a loving, amazing relationship with .. an imperfectly looking man.

anita