Dear Ashley,

Before you make a decision to end your relationship, I believe that it would be beneficial for you to examine your family dynamic with your parents.

I understand their concern for your well being, but serving you an ultimatum of “either it’s us or him”? That’s troubling. You’re 28 and not living with them therefore I’ll assume that they are not supporting you financially, which means that you’re a grown adult who can make your own decision about any of your relationships. Yes, your parents will have their own opinions about your partners, but that does not mean that they have a vote in who you date. Who you decide to date is entirely your choice, irregardless of the disapprove of anyone. So you need to sit down and discuss the situation with your parents. Let them air their concern but make it apparent that you yourself will be the one to choose who your partner is.

Can you do that? Or is the usual family dynamic one in which your parents disapprove of something then would set down an ultimatum that you feel you cannot not make a choice? Because again, that’s a troubling dynamic for anyone. One of the messages that that send to you might be that they don’t trust you to make your own decisions regarding a significant relationship so they need to step in and “help you” make the correct choice. But that undermines your ability to decide for yourself what your life looks like. It’ll also make you question your ability to make the “correct decision” so you’ll depend on their opinion first, placing your desires second to theirs. That sort of relationship will breed anger and resentment. So deeply examine your relationships and work out the foundation and structure between you and your parents.

And remember, you can always walk away from any relationship for any reasons because it’s about you deciding for yourself what is best for you.