In late 2013, my father was diagnosed with stage IV terminal cancer. He died a few months later. Right before he passed, he had a massive stroke and was brought to the ER. At that time, my father lost the ability to communicate and his motor skills were severely incapacitated. Four separate doctors provided me, as next of kin, with advice on moving forward. They all said that taking him off of chemotherapy/medication was the best, most humane path forward as anything else would be just prolonging him in a painful, degenerative state. My mother (who was wrought with grief) and I made the decision to end treatment.

Two of my aunts didn’t agree with this. We got into very big arguments at the hospital. One of them even fought with a doctor. I was told that the entire family was disappointed and ashamed of my decision, that I wasn’t doing enough for my father. The first of these arguments happened in front of him as he lay in a near vegetative state in his hospital bed. I was repeatedly angrily told “that’s my brother!” … and all I feel is that my role as daughter was non-existent. That I was (and still am) an outsider.

Memories of this have haunted me since. I was/am very angry that certain members of his family have taken away a life-changing moment from me that I should have shared in peace with my father and turned it into something extremely negative that has made me feel like garbage in the years since. I am also angry that my father’s final moments on this planet were left with the sound of his sister instigating a fight with his daughter. I don’t feel that was good for his soul.

I realize this was grief acting on their part but our relationships have never healed because of it. And that is where I need advice. I have not spoken to the two aunts that started this fight since 2014. I have no plans to. I feel my relationships with them have effectively ended because of their actions. I am currently disappointed with his other sisters though (he had five). Only one maintained contact with me since the funeral and that has petered out to one text a year just saying “hello” and informing me how busy they are. Why even bother? There is no effort made whatsoever to get me to feel included—or thought of–on that side of the family. It has made me feel very, very alone especially since I don’t feel that I have done anything whatsoever to merit this. There have been times where I’ve fantasized about changing my name or disappearing completely. It’s ridiculous when you think about it but that’s how much I don’t want association with them. My father would be so hurt by all this. But it is what it is.

They haven’t maintained contact with my mom either. I recall her crying the first few Christmases when she didn’t receive a call (or even a card) from any of them. This hurt me too. But again, we haven’t done anything but look out for my father’s interests in terms of making his passing from this realm to the next in the most comfortable manner possible. I’m actually appalled at how cold these people are. The only rationale I could see for this is that my grandmother died at the age of 49 (also from cancer) in 1980. I’ve been told that at the time, the family left her at the hospital and continued on with their lives as a distraction. I don’t think they got over the guilt of this and feelings of it resurfaced with my father’s situation thus they wanted to take every treatment and exhaust all time so that they could spend as much time as possible with him. That is my theory anyway.

I’m not sure what kind of advice I’m looking for but if anyone has been through anything similar, I would appreciate hearing how you move forward. As I mentioned, it’s the feeling of being very alone and not having family to count on (outside of my mom) that really hurts. I wish I had that in my life. I know I never will though.

• This topic was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Michelle.